tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19553047577527253172024-02-20T22:25:52.213-06:00Estrofests:Party ideas for women of ALL
estrogen levelsToniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.comBlogger240125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-66043113280029853562023-05-07T14:38:00.001-05:002023-05-07T15:16:01.486-05:00Tonia and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day<p>by Tonia</p><p><span face="Arial, sans-serif">After spending a month in Rosarito, Mexico, with two girlfriends and our five dogs, the day came to drive home. I crammed all my personal belongings, house-keeping items, dog bedding, souvenirs and two gooberhead dogs into my overfilled car and headed to Tecate where I hoped for an uneventful border crossing and drive home. The month had had its challenges so I didn’t need an exciting trek to add to my life story.</span><span face="Arial, sans-serif"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif">Thirty minutes into my drive I got pulled over for a “random” search by the Mexican police (Fun Fact: that’s the kind of police they have in Mexico). Terrified, my stifled nervous giggle wanted to turn into crazed laughter when one of the policemen leaned into my car with his butt in the air. My contorted facial expressions somehow drew suspicions and I ended up also getting my purse searched. Satisfied I wasn’t an aging American drug lord, they waved me on my way.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif">Using my GPS, I continued my journey and arrived in the town of Tecate where I hoped to find the line for the border crossing. Now, let me say, GPS and I have not always had the best relationship. I don’t like her nagging and bossing. And, on this day, Hansel and Gretel could have done a better job navigating. She demanded I turn down a one-way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION where I was IMMEDIATELY met by yes, again, the Mexican police. In my panic, I started to flash my boobs to escape trouble and infuse some humor, but was boob-blocked by the damn seatbelt. They said I owed a $125 fine and had to go to the police station. I objected and the dogs nodded their heads in agreement with me. The police didn’t speak English or canine but they knew they were outnumbered and finally waved me on my way. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKO0tqzPKPsLFTnr73Mc1aJWsvSouJGlcQbYIxPCCqhABDHkVAsasSdqBjRQi1ph2CopzMETYEVSiDLTD2TvBpJoC5rL4dPSuH3mLMY9vn_dOmUgJEdNnGKO-dAvSjobdntgh7rnwv_OV3sDsqJIn8G9ULPE2ioNzduIo1EtJCx_TIFYvABSDeRLrWVA/s2253/IMG_8398.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1488" data-original-width="2253" height="164" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKO0tqzPKPsLFTnr73Mc1aJWsvSouJGlcQbYIxPCCqhABDHkVAsasSdqBjRQi1ph2CopzMETYEVSiDLTD2TvBpJoC5rL4dPSuH3mLMY9vn_dOmUgJEdNnGKO-dAvSjobdntgh7rnwv_OV3sDsqJIn8G9ULPE2ioNzduIo1EtJCx_TIFYvABSDeRLrWVA/w232-h164/IMG_8398.jpg" width="232" /></a></div><span face="Arial, sans-serif">I crossed the border into the USA thinking my worries were over. Wrong. I drove through a blinding snow/sleet storm in the mountains, blustering, car-shaking winds in the desert, and five lanes of hellish you’re-never-going-to-get-home-in-time-for-dinner traffic. That bumper-to-bumper traffic became my bumper ON bumper. The driver in front of me slammed on his brakes so fast that I crashed into him and then the driver behind me crashed into me. Our three-car pile-up left my RAV4 like an accordion. When the Arizona police arrived (yet ANOTHER run-in with the law) I realized the damages were more than duct tape could fix. <o:p></o:p></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwWi6NOimNH0q48k0NC31NUxuf7Le7JOWgGceBsqs3KoGRXjeggSk4OE7dML3SgyAOcDnCuBbbd5kY7hvOJJ_-ZcLGRvonQjD93EDUJg7goqxWYrV8udkVRHIAtIkQXh9XU24A01ZQl7TXzHYHqUh27aJDhtx_RJfaXUfiI0RVK1KFz4MfWcRtXR9Hcg/s601/IMG_8583-2.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="601" data-original-width="476" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwWi6NOimNH0q48k0NC31NUxuf7Le7JOWgGceBsqs3KoGRXjeggSk4OE7dML3SgyAOcDnCuBbbd5kY7hvOJJ_-ZcLGRvonQjD93EDUJg7goqxWYrV8udkVRHIAtIkQXh9XU24A01ZQl7TXzHYHqUh27aJDhtx_RJfaXUfiI0RVK1KFz4MfWcRtXR9Hcg/w173-h220/IMG_8583-2.jpg" width="173" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif">Enter the tow truck driver who loaded us up and dropped us off on the curb of a car rental lot - me, the dogs, a mountain of suitcases, sacks, blankets, dog beds, dog food, metal art, cleaning supplies and ….. my VACUUM. Waiting for my rental, I resembled a homeless woman looking for a janitorial job. <br /><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif">It was then when the dogs did their intervention. They looked me square in the eyes and told me this day had been my odyssey (they’re familiar with great works of literature); I had survived twenty-first century cyclops, lotus-eaters, shipwrecks, and whirlpools. They said I had passed the Universe’s tests and it was time to GO HOME. So I waved myself on my own damn way and drove that rental car like a motherfucker ‘til I arrived in Ithaca ….. otherwise known as Santa Fe (home). <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif">For your next girlfriends' get together I'd suggest an Amtrak trip.</span></p>Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-29005875040465538812020-04-14T16:35:00.001-05:002020-04-14T16:35:27.466-05:00Swiping Right, Right, Right<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">By Tonia<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #1c2022; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Is it hot in here or is it just our fevers and shortness of breath?”- Twitter @ThunderFerret</span></i><i style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I'm single. Really single. So, over the years, I've been on a few (OK......<b>TONS</b> of) dating websites, swiping a little to the right and a <b>lot</b> to the left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">But, in these times of perpetual boredom, I've found myself stalking the sites, swiping myself into a case of severe carpal tunnel. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2c2d30; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">While I'm generally pretty selective in my right-swiping,desperate times call for outrageous measures. </span><span style="background: rgb(252 , 253 , 254); color: #232b2b; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0.1pt;">I mean, it’s such a weird time for all of us, I might as well make it weirder, right?</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> So I've been swiping right just to get a little ….. uh ….. social interaction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Doesn't look homeless? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">No crotch pictures? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Background doesn’t look like he lives in his mother’s basement? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Doesn’t have a crazed, psychotic look in his eyes? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Spelled more words correctly than incorrectly? Swipe right. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Doesn’t have a pic of himself with 6 kids in the back seat of the car? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Smiles in at least one of his pictures? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Looks like he has survival skills for the Apocalypse? Swipe right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Of course there’s no meeting. I mean, I’m not even supposed to touch my <b>own</b> face, much less someone else’s ….. or any other body parts for that matter. Not that the guys aren’t trying to meet! Offers during quarantine:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="background: rgb(252 , 253 , 254); color: #232b2b; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: 0.1pt;">“Can’t spell quarantine without u,r,a,q,t, Wanna meet?”</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #1c2022; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">“Hey, do you need toilet paper? Because I could be your Prince Charmin.”</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #1c2022; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">“Let’s do drinks at my place before we all get the Rona.”</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #1c2022; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">“Whose flat screen is better for a little mutual confinement?”</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP_jbb4KwHAZYw-D_yA-7jidYGZ2pQd9b2DfKOuw_aiv5aoXjbcE3t1Aj5aT4-hdM3TvnKaBfog5k42ZK1txEQ4L7ndJpDycFr6NwabOV5vrO90F4Isk5tG7LPmkqwhI7rnquWUKUpBIN_/s1600/IMG_3694.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="958" data-original-width="960" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP_jbb4KwHAZYw-D_yA-7jidYGZ2pQd9b2DfKOuw_aiv5aoXjbcE3t1Aj5aT4-hdM3TvnKaBfog5k42ZK1txEQ4L7ndJpDycFr6NwabOV5vrO90F4Isk5tG7LPmkqwhI7rnquWUKUpBIN_/s200/IMG_3694.JPG" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Since carnal knowledge with new people doesn’t flatten the curve, sexting has become my entire love life now. But, let me tell you, if autocorrect doesn’t spoil the mood, my own ineptness does. Several years ago I accidentally texted a super risqué picture of myself to my daughter. I think she may still be in therapy…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I also tend to poke fun at the wrong times. An “I want to kiss you all over” text gets “Like all over the house? All over the yard? All over the neighborhood?” as a response. When asked for pics, I can't seem to stop myself from sending the nude meme above and the pic you see here. I truly suck at this (and <b>not</b> in a fun way). Is there a class I can take somewhere? Sexting for Dummies?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">But, I guess I’ll keep swiping (should I be wearing gloves?) and see how many men I can continue to terrorize. Ya gotta do <b>some</b>thing when under house arrest!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">So, or your next girlfriends’ party, consider sharing the cheesiest pick-up lines you’ve ever heard. Then maybe admit to your own romantic faux-pas. That may take a few drinks, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-62560558025552664922020-04-07T21:27:00.001-05:002020-04-08T21:17:43.174-05:00Bonjour from Quarantaine<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">By Tonia<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">Anyone who knows me knows I love to travel. I love to see new places; I love to meet new people; I love to have adventures and tell stories about them afterwards. I recently went to Panama and was planning a trip to Spain and Morocco but…..well…..The Rona.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">Living alone and being housebound is kind of the antithesis of all that I love. But I’ve tried to make the best of it. I’ve now counted all the change in my change jar, removed the dog hair from every piece of clothing in my closet, exfoliated my face and feet, read the backs of all my canned goods, plucked all the hair within an inch of my eyebrows…......<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">So I decided to take a trip. In…my…own…house. Destination: HME<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">I put on one of those dog hair-free outfits, grabbed my backpack and told Remington to get ready for our vacation (which, by the way, meant that my dog hair-free outfit now had dog hair). We headed straight to the museum (living room) for a viewing of the art.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">It wasn’t exactly the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. Hell, it wasn’t even like the Dog Collar Museum in England. It’s theme was more like Affordable Art for the social worker on a budget. As we strolled around the room, I found myself more fascinated by the new cracks in my walls than the art. Remington wanted to know if the pictures of trees were available for peeing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">Next we went to the beach (bathroom). I put on my bathing suit and went for a swim. I couldn’t really swim very far out but Remington kept an eye on me from the beach (bathroom rug). Fortunately I didn’t get my hair wet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgem_mQRITUJx6T1khzZQftqZ-WMgM7HUv9Y4lZa00iXzxEzC_l7PKQWL_Vq487D7Qc4BUZ2fl1UxxyqT40JKFTRRrQjWiKPj8_w8eaDEzyoZqPVQqVLNu-XNZFk7PPaEC6zBHG26WXjlcP/s1600/IMG_7038.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="482" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgem_mQRITUJx6T1khzZQftqZ-WMgM7HUv9Y4lZa00iXzxEzC_l7PKQWL_Vq487D7Qc4BUZ2fl1UxxyqT40JKFTRRrQjWiKPj8_w8eaDEzyoZqPVQqVLNu-XNZFk7PPaEC6zBHG26WXjlcP/s200/IMG_7038.jpg" width="150" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">After all that activity we were pretty hungry so we stopped by a little bistro (back yard) and had a snack and some wine. Remington doesn’t usually drink wine (especially out of a glass) but he did don his French beret and try to bark in French. It was a fabulous ending to a very constricted vacation. But, hey, I’m doin’ the best I can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">For your next girlfriends’ get together, hop on Zoom and share your most hilarious vacation experiences!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 13pt;">And don’t forget to wash your hands and clean your keyboard before logging in……<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-76086576426654430652020-03-30T12:51:00.001-05:002020-03-30T12:51:52.190-05:00Isolation Madness<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
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Like everyone else right now, I’m living the Corona Life. But I live alone so it’s just me, myself and I. For short spurts, me, myself and I get along pretty well but, as an extrovert, this ongoing social distancing thing isn’t working too well for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Being ALONE so much, I’ve become poignantly aware that:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>My tongue doesn’t know exactly where to rest inside my mouth<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I blink every 6 seconds <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>My fingernail beds are lop-sided<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>Crossing my left leg over my right leg isn’t as comfortable as crossing my right leg over my left<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "symbol";">·<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>One nostril is different from the other<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Y26ROwRcBtdg1AfuPmrZjWAy8RXJcmHBqz49qPL7vr_SJSP8F2ZoCK6Zsyk_2dIxvCpNeY0QL7MLi6BplP9NFyj9iluMvzTjeSpHgxr8AkdZRi17pxdsvY1FwutBRS0RucCj60Ch4T1t/s1600/IMG_6902.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5Y26ROwRcBtdg1AfuPmrZjWAy8RXJcmHBqz49qPL7vr_SJSP8F2ZoCK6Zsyk_2dIxvCpNeY0QL7MLi6BplP9NFyj9iluMvzTjeSpHgxr8AkdZRi17pxdsvY1FwutBRS0RucCj60Ch4T1t/s200/IMG_6902.jpg" width="200" /></a>I’m also noticing some technical difficulties with my brain. Not having ANYONE to talk to, I’ve begun obsessing about every little twitch, itch, bump, spot, ache, pang, cramp, irritation, and tingle (and, hey, I’m 65 so I get a LOT of these). Yep. Pretty convinced I’ve developed several frightening and repulsive diseases in the last two weeks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I felt a tickle in my throat the other day so I spent hours swallowing every three seconds to see if it really did hurt because, you know, that’s how the dreaded virus starts! Then I worried that all that saliva in my stomach was going to cause stomach cancer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Later I felt a heaviness in my chest. OMG! Heart attacks run in my family! I immediately ran around the house leaving post-it notes on all my crap and shit for after my death.<o:p></o:p></div>
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All of this would be great fun in a doctor-patient role-play fantasy where I get to be the patient, but I’M IN ISOLATION!!! So I don’t have anyone to play doctor! Maybe I could pretend that my grocery delivery guy is making a <ahem> medical house call…..<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk31Xy1RXHK9azPKCDt9MRpPRcs1B2dCw02_rQ3DGjEpbWpeL1jlE_K74HLDuIyFjc7YSKmXYQLA0Poslhx90BR3Xrk-_pievQOlyPzGL6AP64pHRZbfx5bVhF7bI07NjMNCR-I28cE4dw/s1600/IMG_6909.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk31Xy1RXHK9azPKCDt9MRpPRcs1B2dCw02_rQ3DGjEpbWpeL1jlE_K74HLDuIyFjc7YSKmXYQLA0Poslhx90BR3Xrk-_pievQOlyPzGL6AP64pHRZbfx5bVhF7bI07NjMNCR-I28cE4dw/s200/IMG_6909.jpg" width="190" /></a>But I digress. Back to my social distancing-induced hypochondria. Even my poor dog isn’t immune from my disease delusions. We were cuddling in bed (don’t judge) and his stomach starting growling. My mind immediately jumped to how he caught stomach cancer from me after my overzealous saliva episode. I then had a weepy talk with him about how much he has meant to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This is just not going well. My brain:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Hypochondriac Me: </b>This is bad.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Reasonable Me:</b> You’re fine.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Hypochondriac Me: </b>But I have all these symptoms.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Reasonable Me:</b> You’re fine. It’s all in your head.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Hypochondriac Me:</b> I’d better google this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Reasonable Me:</b> DO NOT google! Get off Web MD. GET OFF! For the love of all that is good and decent, back away from the computer! Don’t do it!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Hypochondriac Me:</b> I’m gonna’ die….<o:p></o:p></div>
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A very old recommendation for the treatment of hypochondria (from the 1600s – yes, I’ve been doing my research) is: Do not be solitary or idle. So basically, I’m fucked.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For your girlfriends get-together while we’re all in quarantine, get on ZOOM so you can chat and go <span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://playingcards.io/game/cards-against-humanity" target="_blank">HERE</a></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"> to play Cards Against Humanity online. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">And stay well!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-42464370625364047482018-05-09T16:55:00.001-05:002018-05-12T09:11:33.992-05:00Grading Hell<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’m a teacher – a college
professor, to be exact. And this last semester I took on a record number of
courses because of a colleague’s illness (when did I start being so damn
nice??? Grrrrr…..). All was fine until the end of the semester when I entered …..
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><insert menacing music> </i>….. the
Five Circles of Grading Hell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpC7uYUhlVbUrV9WNZUxQfGu2X_GvmOLHaBLhMfG6vdfVYBF_1vJDdSQRG7UXT3RKUN71W-WIKaxCCmrdNpLw9Q3rreyp5f38mYAQlK3Cpq5JiZPpFG-xb57LDqRA6C480Uppgjoub9wzE/s1600/IMG_4707.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="412" data-original-width="562" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpC7uYUhlVbUrV9WNZUxQfGu2X_GvmOLHaBLhMfG6vdfVYBF_1vJDdSQRG7UXT3RKUN71W-WIKaxCCmrdNpLw9Q3rreyp5f38mYAQlK3Cpq5JiZPpFG-xb57LDqRA6C480Uppgjoub9wzE/s200/IMG_4707.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the First Circle of Grading Hell,
I was greeted by an old enemy, Procrastination. With over 150 papers and exams shadowing
me like a stalker, all I could do was log on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
Words with Friends and watch Netflix. I even answered 2 year old emails in my
inbox. My house was never cleaner, my tax receipts never so organized and my
eyebrows never so meticulously plucked. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the Second Circle of Grading
Hell, I was met by the twins, Drudgery and Tedium. I corrected the same
mistakes over and over and over….and over again, until I wanted to tear my eyes
out and hang them like giant dice from my car’s rearview mirror. Here, at the
edge of the abyss, I could feel my brain atrophying. If only I could be a bit
snarky on a paper or two – THAT would entertain me – but nooooo, I think there’s
a policy against irritable snarcasm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the Third Circle of Grading Hell,
I was overpowered by Drowsiness (can one “catch” narcolepsy?). </span><span style="background: white; color: #4d4d4d; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Words spiraled around in my head, disassociated
from their sentences, hanging somewhere between caffeine-addled consciousness
and sedation – THIS is </span><span style="background: #fffefa; color: #212121; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">academia’s
replacement for Ambien. Got insomnia? Grade! </span><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">They
say that 3 am is the hour of writers, painters, poets and other creative people. Uh.....did you notice that teachers/graders didn’t make the list?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiVhScEA_M4M6VC_paJra5lmpqVDUjjSCuDLRUE-FyvR9wfl2A3TU7ZzPuhREdKDqaOcF5ijx9zP_GUj2ASC7-FKBkkUN9p8e1z_YqgU3qNdyq6SplBMuClmPs0hX4iz7eAyKOTA4Xwdgk/s1600/FullSizeRender-7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="500" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiVhScEA_M4M6VC_paJra5lmpqVDUjjSCuDLRUE-FyvR9wfl2A3TU7ZzPuhREdKDqaOcF5ijx9zP_GUj2ASC7-FKBkkUN9p8e1z_YqgU3qNdyq6SplBMuClmPs0hX4iz7eAyKOTA4Xwdgk/s200/FullSizeRender-7.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the Fourth Circle of Grading
Hell, I was engulfed by Disheveledness. Bloodshot eyes, greasy, matted hair
stuck to my scalp, and a 3-day old, coffee-stained shirt - I made zombies look
like Ms. Universe contestants. Colleagues who saw me would simply say, “Grading,
huh?” </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">There’s just not enough make-up to cover up this
kind of ugly. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the Fifth (and FINAL) Circle of
Hell I was strangled by Self-doubt. As I read final exam essays I swung wildly
between, “OMG, these exams are awful. I’m a terrible teacher. The students got
nothing from me. I suck” and “OMG, these final exam essays are fabulous. I’ve
made this far too easy. I’m a terrible teacher. I guess I REALLY suck."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And just when I thought I had made
it through Grading Hell, there was yet a new degree of agony waiting for me …… a
faculty meeting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For your
next girlfriends’ party be sure to make this fabulous Lemon Meringue Pie
Martini. I give it an A.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">LEMON MERINGUE PIE MARTINI</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglqi4OzxrwmZwGxIyHBN87Ilg1LCLbrVJ-U62XAl75k74jOsEhWZTkpAYNn7B0G7CmX06Qyf_Uvy8DFPVLtCRgrejAykJYxYFcgSItVgKO7GgRK2Of9ryZZFzJYHhRL7dPKIE09z-HxMEC/s1600/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="592" data-original-width="454" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglqi4OzxrwmZwGxIyHBN87Ilg1LCLbrVJ-U62XAl75k74jOsEhWZTkpAYNn7B0G7CmX06Qyf_Uvy8DFPVLtCRgrejAykJYxYFcgSItVgKO7GgRK2Of9ryZZFzJYHhRL7dPKIE09z-HxMEC/s200/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" width="153" /></span></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">1 ounce vodka</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">2 ounces Triple Sec</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">3 ounces half-n-half</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">1 <span style="background-color: white;">ounce powdered yellow lemonade </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Extra yellow lemonade powder to rim the glass</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Whipped cream and lemon slice to garnish</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Rim the glass with powdered yellow lemonade. Shake up the first 3 ingredients in a shaker. Pour into glass and top with whipped cream and a lemon slice.</span></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-63904002005301353092017-06-12T01:35:00.000-05:002017-06-12T11:57:16.911-05:00My Spanish Dildo<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">By Tonia<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“It can hardly be a coincidence that no
language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.’”
</span></i><b><i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">- </span></i></b><i><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Douglas Adams<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">I recently went to Spain and Morocco with my Boy Toy<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(OK, he’s only 5 months younger than me, but we like to call him that). We had a great time sight-seeing while gluttonizing on tapas, paella, Iberian ham, grilled sardines and gazpacho - and drinking more Sangria than our combined weights. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span style="font-size: small;"></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXaF7ImTEoDYHRmZ9ugVvSG0tdxoKpPXQc3pa-YwZUP8Wk89bJBoYLjBts0kZuDZy6LtYJWceDCRmL84qW8e3Wd2eMhf4bPZemnDMsj7Np32TH_5Kgynmj7PSOtMADU4uGo8Pv7Ys7syVA/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="854" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXaF7ImTEoDYHRmZ9ugVvSG0tdxoKpPXQc3pa-YwZUP8Wk89bJBoYLjBts0kZuDZy6LtYJWceDCRmL84qW8e3Wd2eMhf4bPZemnDMsj7Np32TH_5Kgynmj7PSOtMADU4uGo8Pv7Ys7syVA/s200/unnamed.jpg" width="177" /></a><span style="font-size: small;">There were, of course, a few hick-ups along the way.
International travel is never without them. For example, there were unmanned highway
toll booths every friggin’ 10 miles with more slits, buttons and levers than an
Apollo control panel. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two advanced-degreed
brains working together couldn’t figure them out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other drivers had to stop and get out of their
cars to assist us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">And the ferry that I was SURE only took 30 minutes to get to
Tangier took <b>90</b> minutes – mostly because we were off-course from our intended
destination. We ended up at a Moroccan industrial port that looked like a thriller movie
scene where creepy things happen. Boy Toy casually remarked we would
probably end up kidnapped, stripped naked, chained and beaten (and not in a
good way) on a cold cement floor in a Turkish prison. I reminded him we were in
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">MOROCCO</i> – not Turkey. And, fortunately,
after one shuttle, one hike to the highway and 2 taxi rides, we made it to our
hotel with our clothes on and no bruises or chains (we saved that for later).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">But we really did have a wonderful time. One of our favorite
destinations was the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love Stop Sex Shop</i>
– not really listed in Rick Steve’s travel guide, but definitely worth
visiting. Unlike the seedy, dark places I.…ahem….have accidentally fallen upon,
this place was well-lit, well-staffed and tastefully decorated. Ya gotta' love an elegant,
sophisticated store in debauchery – kinda’ like an Apple Store of sex shops - a
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sex Fifth Avenue.</i> Of course, I wanted
a souvenir! Tired of using my electric toothbrush as a vibrator, I decided something
new and exotic was in order. And I discovered <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Delight</i>. Not only did it vibrate, it SUCKED. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t pay for my shiny new Spanish dildo
fast enough. After all, it certainly doesn’t suck to get sucked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgttjQ-UzaiAdjdb4v5SU8W-hYXQG6TuhI4seQl7tMc5vqvJiu67nYRRNUuP0aCDDHAXJ4_0cZebuAq34vDLVyaj_LzQHt-CuFuqZYMlmBkmFL3ee5dQpwe-PpkWLPkbQ1oCDFIU_j1KZJH/s1600/unnamed-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1376" data-original-width="606" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgttjQ-UzaiAdjdb4v5SU8W-hYXQG6TuhI4seQl7tMc5vqvJiu67nYRRNUuP0aCDDHAXJ4_0cZebuAq34vDLVyaj_LzQHt-CuFuqZYMlmBkmFL3ee5dQpwe-PpkWLPkbQ1oCDFIU_j1KZJH/s320/unnamed-2.jpg" width="139" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">But all good things must come to an end and the time to fly
home arrived. Looking forward to a good groping (pat down) from a handsome
Spanish airport security guard, I instead found my carry-on bag getting all of the
attention. After its ride through x-ray, the guard angrily pulled me and my bag aside and dug through its contents like a Gestapo on a 1944 train. He<span style="color: #548dd4; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-themetint: 153;"> </span>threw out
some argon oil and kept excavating until he discovered….you guessed it….<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Delight</i>. Waving it high in the air
like a sword in battle and shrieking Spanish accusations at me, it seemed he
thought it was some kind of taser…..or weapon of mass destruction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">To avoid getting arrested and going to that Turkish prison
Boy Toy warned me about I needed to explain myself. I didn’t know how to say
“dildo” in Spanish and I was pretty sure it wasn’t in mini Spanish-English
dictionary. Under other circumstances, I would have used charades and gestures to communicate,
but I was afraid this kind of charade/gesture might be interpreted as a
feminist-foreign-fuck you. I thought, “I’m fucked. And, worse yet, this thing
is never gonna’ fuck me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">While all this was going on in my head, a female
security guard approached <span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dickomero (I’m pretty
sure that’s Spanish for “male security guy”) and muttered something to him out
of the side of her mouth and, though I can only imagine what she said, she had
a knowing look on her face and a little twinkle in her eye. He slowly lowered <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Delight</i> and gently put it back in my bag. I think he may have even zipped it for me. And, like that, we were on our way back home – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Delight</i>, the Boy Toy and me. But,
somewhere in Spain that night, I bet there was a wife getting a LOT of
questions…..<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">If you can't get to Spain this year, at least enjoy some Sangria with your girlfriends. It’s
a fabulous beverage for your next girlfriends’ get-together. Maybe after a few glasses you'll want to practice flamengo! Here’s the recipe we love. Cheers!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmdTYuedZ5hjOlgxMfk35LrbfUAzjIp8fhbIh11Knfy-rd0K-RV-OR4JtR4aabz-FCZeioxe6EYI5aENcP7PQtYbjIjl74XYVSqKXp3_n4xvT54iV7E_y-Vh9CVf_nuWHkNU4YJQ5Ivhw6/s1600/18342775_1471918272858874_7167789170173538303_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-size: small;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmdTYuedZ5hjOlgxMfk35LrbfUAzjIp8fhbIh11Knfy-rd0K-RV-OR4JtR4aabz-FCZeioxe6EYI5aENcP7PQtYbjIjl74XYVSqKXp3_n4xvT54iV7E_y-Vh9CVf_nuWHkNU4YJQ5Ivhw6/s200/18342775_1471918272858874_7167789170173538303_n.jpg" width="139" /></span></a><span style="color: #333333; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">INGREDIENTS:</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1 750 ml of red wine<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1 lemon, sliced<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">2 oranges, sliced<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1 apple, sliced<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1 squirt Stevia<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1/4 cup brandy<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;">1/4 cup lemon cello<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2 cups ginger ale, club
soda </span><span style="color: #333333;">or sparkling water</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>DIRECTIONS:</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: black; letter-spacing: -0.1pt;"><span style="font-size: small;">Pour the wine into a pitcher and toss in the fruit wedges
(leaving out seeds if possible) along with the Stevia, brandy and lemon cello. Stir and chill
overnight; add ginger ale, club soda or sparkling water just before serving.
Poor over ice into glasses. Don't worry if some of the fruit drops into the glasses. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-82338012390819349302016-08-03T13:52:00.001-05:002016-08-03T13:52:39.036-05:00Plunged into Plucking<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">By Tonia</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 11.0pt;">"No, no, not by the hair on my chinny
chin chin." – the three little pigs<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">At 62, my bad hair days no longer have anything
to do with my hairdo. That happened in the ‘80s …. every …. single …. day. No, my
bad hair days are when the multiple hairs on my chin have grown over night like
they were fertilized and I don’t have tweezers. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That</i> is my new bad hair day. So while the hair on my head is
thinning, my eyebrows are thinning and, hell, even my pubic hairs are thinning,
I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">growing </i>chin hairs! Mother Nature
and Father Time are fucking with me – and not in a kinky, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fun </i>way. I’m starting to remind myself of a 14 year old boy
sprouting his first beard. New dating rule: No dating anyone with less chin
hair than me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGZhUxwSt5TFVlPcuNDAMdDF_sUXwcJsD7LA3CB7dCK-HZbgcvGVFoiw5wWc9eUIFLMic9Ws-wNdpisq_UBI-1AR4ScIeJXUwVJmZNcENDc99jEvDLqRwc0O62OPJt0v6z0baHSf09bSC6/s1600/photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGZhUxwSt5TFVlPcuNDAMdDF_sUXwcJsD7LA3CB7dCK-HZbgcvGVFoiw5wWc9eUIFLMic9Ws-wNdpisq_UBI-1AR4ScIeJXUwVJmZNcENDc99jEvDLqRwc0O62OPJt0v6z0baHSf09bSC6/s200/photo.jpg" width="185" /></a><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I mean, just as my eyesight is going, I have
single, dark hairs emerging all over my chin that I can’t see. Is this some kind
of cruel joke? How am I supposed to fix this??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">So I’ve purchased a 1000x
magnifying mirror for my Search and Destroy missions. And I carry tweezers with
me everywhere. Tweezers are no longer just for the bathroom any more. I have
them in my purse, in my desk drawer at work, in the glove compartment of my car
and even outside with the gardening tools. The second I feel one of those tiny
little stiff hairs trying to poke itself out of my skin, I rip it out. </span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But
sometimes the hair isn't long enough to pluck, so I just have to sit and rub it,
trying to get it ready to pluck (Hopefully, I just look like I’m rubbing my chin in deep
contemplation).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0bgDw-oMvRQfo0EWeRhTANo95xlBMxje2pG8HldAHBGX_iH4dPoNRcIn10-UCxOof6iytMtRFj5dq3JslqdMjiyAh089eqy_rioKxfj9tQtMvJImihdq9eYaD05NA84tuaD2MQLXIkQ3C/s1600/body+hair.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0bgDw-oMvRQfo0EWeRhTANo95xlBMxje2pG8HldAHBGX_iH4dPoNRcIn10-UCxOof6iytMtRFj5dq3JslqdMjiyAh089eqy_rioKxfj9tQtMvJImihdq9eYaD05NA84tuaD2MQLXIkQ3C/s200/body+hair.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes I’m driving along in my car and I see one that I’ve
missed. Then I start to panic. How many people have seen it? Did they simply
think it was a stray hair from my make-up brush? Did my make-up camouflage it
enough? WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME??? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I’ve thought about shaving them but, if I shave
my chin like I shave my legs, I’ll end up bleeding like I’ve amputated
something. And those tiny pieces of toilet paper stuck to the bleeding spots don’t
always match my eye shadow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBMS6rHXO3VUwq4ioVr1YczJEwbN5_w8oY4Sisfp6EDbkHOQCul0cCLjAvJtilI8ZiiIwojMvvER4qRNZk_W7x2cRcwgN0DVLkO7tRgPslPrVsVNp-iKIiBHR-qhD-Oz1pxbuF-6KCEg4s/s1600/the_amazing_bearded_lady_cartel_by_akriel-d7ga2ti.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBMS6rHXO3VUwq4ioVr1YczJEwbN5_w8oY4Sisfp6EDbkHOQCul0cCLjAvJtilI8ZiiIwojMvvER4qRNZk_W7x2cRcwgN0DVLkO7tRgPslPrVsVNp-iKIiBHR-qhD-Oz1pxbuF-6KCEg4s/s200/the_amazing_bearded_lady_cartel_by_akriel-d7ga2ti.jpg" width="129" /></a><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I’ve also considered the over-the-counter
creams. They dissolve hair but they don’t always work on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">coarse</i> hair and, if you leave it on too long, it can dissolve your
skin. Great. Melting skin. Just blend it in with the wrinkles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">Then there’s waxing - hot sticky wax that rips
hairs out by their roots leaving scarlet, angry skin behind. The trouble here (besides
the angry skin) is that you have to let the hair grow out ¼ of an inch before
you can remove it. Uh…..no.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I guess I may look into laser or electrolysis……..or just join the circus.</span><br />
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">For your next girlfriends’ get together,
consider checking out your area’s Groupons for spa deals! Smuggle in some white
wine in your water bottles! And to those unruly chin hairs, I say,</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
“Well, <i>pluck it.”</i></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-9836287405252341902016-06-14T10:53:00.002-05:002021-09-10T14:38:40.386-05:00Jacking with Packing<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica";">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">"Home may be where the heart is but don’t ask me which box it’s
in.” – me</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">
I’m relocating to Santa Fe in a few weeks. Moving was such great idea ….. until
I started packing. Holy Hoarder! For every one box I pack, 3 more boxes worth of
crap appear. My moving date is approaching faster than a speeding
bullet and there’s no Superman here to save me from this cardboard crisis. I guess I’m going
to have to quickly make a LOT of new friends before my moving date (preferably really buff ones from a gym). Then I can have a packing party. I'll serve
alcohol but it will have to be BYC (Bring Your Own Cups) because I can’t find
mine.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeA348zuUCgOpMyJiNs_lzvmUu4iP8Fsgj3bly9s_ss9ZkmmvXgI3NC0B_1xbXCF4OUyxlpDMtV4fQQUOGMKn0qWC9v68QLTi6Pa9xlEvurTI6X6MqjoV7_U9EnedoeBc2XIrser2Oh8P_/s1600/photo+14.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeA348zuUCgOpMyJiNs_lzvmUu4iP8Fsgj3bly9s_ss9ZkmmvXgI3NC0B_1xbXCF4OUyxlpDMtV4fQQUOGMKn0qWC9v68QLTi6Pa9xlEvurTI6X6MqjoV7_U9EnedoeBc2XIrser2Oh8P_/s200/photo+14.JPG" width="220" /></a><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I tried to get rid of some of this crap at a Yard Sale a few weeks ago but every time a friend dropped by to see how I
was doing, I had to grab an item she had given me and hide it. I ended up with
a huge pile of gifted crap in my shed. People can be so touchy, ya know?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">A few years ago I had a house fire and lost most
of my possessions. Frankly, that sounds pretty damn good about now. Maybe when I get just a
little more tired of packing I’ll convince myself that I really don’t like the
rest of my things and just leave them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKA_kgroX75Gg0eYW1-jHb5a2AQ9Zma65NYJZntVjWwqdbfeEBlm5aS74jfAsjvNDsd3fyhI0JMeB8mlyCAdXupQtCS-2SBtaotmlzPwJCI1SXDnysUg8iedbok_LbN1k8yufB8eTQyssS/s1600/7994619123d43e1e4fe0f09cf578f15b.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKA_kgroX75Gg0eYW1-jHb5a2AQ9Zma65NYJZntVjWwqdbfeEBlm5aS74jfAsjvNDsd3fyhI0JMeB8mlyCAdXupQtCS-2SBtaotmlzPwJCI1SXDnysUg8iedbok_LbN1k8yufB8eTQyssS/s200/7994619123d43e1e4fe0f09cf578f15b.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">The other day I was packing up some of the crap and heard my cell phone ring from inside a box. It took me 30 minutes to figure
out WHICH box because ….. of course ….. it quit ringing after a few seconds. And god only knows where I’ve packed the dog’s leash. I had to improvise with packing
tape wrapped around his collar…..even made myself a cute little handle. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I think I’m
developing symptoms of Relocation Psychosis (RP – not RIP…..yet): auditory
hallucinations of popping bubble wrap; nightmares of boxes climbing in the
windows to entrap me; complete disorganization; difficulty staying on task. Is there medicine for this?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 12.0pt; margin: 12pt 0in; mso-line-height-alt: 10.95pt;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica";">For your next girlfriends’ get-together……well,
crap, I have no ideas. I’m too busy trying to stay away from the creepy boxes trying to get me........</span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-56635895450231266202016-06-02T18:04:00.003-05:002016-06-02T22:51:35.914-05:00The Selling of the Yard<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 16.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 16.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I’m getting ready to move out of state so I needed to get rid of
some crap and shit. And, since its Yard Sale season (when entire neighborhoods
have the opportunity to judge you for your belongings), I
decided to join the ranks of the Yard Sale entrepreneurs. Not that I’m any kind
of sales person, mind you. Hell, I couldn’t sell a bra to cross dresser. Or
sunscreen to a nudist. But I needed the cash…..</span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha-aFYJ1zZp-BIXjYtnw6Aazk8lNOxPTp9va4_kRzypQI5KSfXiMLKnpOdAXHGTKg_b_WynmaK9CrZxlanMsaSvtygizX-Vp2Jas6oe4grujZJtdwqkbSUL9u_0otE-k22FhbZ_QFrHj5v/s1600/search.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha-aFYJ1zZp-BIXjYtnw6Aazk8lNOxPTp9va4_kRzypQI5KSfXiMLKnpOdAXHGTKg_b_WynmaK9CrZxlanMsaSvtygizX-Vp2Jas6oe4grujZJtdwqkbSUL9u_0otE-k22FhbZ_QFrHj5v/s200/search.jpg" width="220" /></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">STEP 1</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> was the
terrorizing task of actually going through all my crap and shit. Instead of
DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE, it was separate piles of CHUCK, CHUCK, SELL – through every
drawer and every closet. I even ventured into the attic….which requires a
ladder….which got knocked over when I threw down some crap and shit. And, even
though I was <i>physically</i> above it all, the expletives coming out of my
mouth were definitely <i>beneath</i> even me. Motherf^*ker! So I sat and sat up
there until my sister happened by. She laughed hysterically and threatened to
leave me up there ….. until she saw the stuck-in-the-attic-crazy-eyed look on
my face.</span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">STEP 2</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> was pricing everything.
Ugh. What dilemmas! I couldn’t decide whether to price things according to my
emotional attachment to them or to get them the hell out of my sight. I mean,
how do I price Japanese toothpicks decorated as Geisha? </span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjajeyMiSAfXeJjztuILoS660w5yWa7X4wO7L4xqTppXOU1t6y2nfsc_MB-qW7zh1BzKromBKFoW0poPV7eCjkEULK2pn4CA4-cYl2NLZONpxabAlFtnylURT-xic5BhFNthlVO7S6kuMdz/s1600/photo+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjajeyMiSAfXeJjztuILoS660w5yWa7X4wO7L4xqTppXOU1t6y2nfsc_MB-qW7zh1BzKromBKFoW0poPV7eCjkEULK2pn4CA4-cYl2NLZONpxabAlFtnylURT-xic5BhFNthlVO7S6kuMdz/s200/photo+5.JPG" width="161" /></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">STEP 3</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> (well, not really
STEP 3 but it really happened) was my girlfriend coming over the night before
the sale with food to cook on the grill. Since we might or might not have had
too much to drink, we ended up with some of her singed bangs on the meat.
Later, when she went into the bathroom and found a pair of scissors, I heard
her yell to me, “I guess it’s not a great idea to cut my bangs when I’ve been
drinking!” Step away from the scissors, my friend. Just slowly back
away…… And THAT was a Bangs Rescue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">STEP 4</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> (or 3 or whatever)
was getting up at 5:00 a.m. for an 8:00 a.m. Yard Sale - and that awkward first
meeting of the neighbors when your best friend shoos them away for being too
early. Anna and her boyfriend ducked out of that scene to hang signs, but they
either took a Tour of Tulsa or went to breakfast. She’s not telling. We didn’t
see them for hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">As we set stuff out, I considered throwing a sex toy in the mix
just to see people’s reactions, but decided that the 2 blow-up men and kinky board
games were probably enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg00ZXhg_REkVl6XoIoFFVrJkEwW_JT8KpV2PQ-HbHRue7w1EPhUdF6I2QpRLKy9PWNLcIcDgcj9apb3KGVTeTfioRoqJs4P8gSvI8pDCbbYMDdv8WH9ZpFkk7gUSOJCVGg1mxF6M2SMIxj/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg00ZXhg_REkVl6XoIoFFVrJkEwW_JT8KpV2PQ-HbHRue7w1EPhUdF6I2QpRLKy9PWNLcIcDgcj9apb3KGVTeTfioRoqJs4P8gSvI8pDCbbYMDdv8WH9ZpFkk7gUSOJCVGg1mxF6M2SMIxj/s200/photo.JPG" width="220" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">STEP ??</span></b><span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> was the actual
sale. Lots of interesting people came by, including my 90 year old neighbor who
bought shelves and talked a total stranger (another Yard Sale shopper) into
carrying it to her house for her. (I took notes on THAT pick-up!) She also told
us that the best thing about being 90 was that no one asked her for a ride or
babysitting any more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">As the day worn on, Anna got into the Spirit of Selling
(otherwise known Poverty’s Desperation). She started selling homemade cupcakes
and a Dollar Store12-pack of water for $1 each. She proposed that I advertise
$20 lap dances, but one really can’t do a decent lap dance with a Yard Sale
money apron on. </span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica"; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">What I REALLY wanted to sell were the bags under my eyes, the
hairs on my chin, and the flaps under my arms, but I may have to PAY to get rid
of those!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">For your next
girlfriends’ get together, try a <b>Lavender & Ginger Vodka Spritzer: </b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">Put lots of ice in a highball glass. Add:</span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVfLCCShdO3T5qLmVvrSMQ-8H9RZOjNsydAevhkmknFkfQMWWX6YRnd4nQ-JCHhQFeffGc5zIN51WUf7Qvkdc0Lms7x1YvAnYQzF_QWRRj3lptJvVqwfRUfgLhdMqundmJ51srti3CSTvd/s1600/image1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVfLCCShdO3T5qLmVvrSMQ-8H9RZOjNsydAevhkmknFkfQMWWX6YRnd4nQ-JCHhQFeffGc5zIN51WUf7Qvkdc0Lms7x1YvAnYQzF_QWRRj3lptJvVqwfRUfgLhdMqundmJ51srti3CSTvd/s320/image1.JPG" width="144" /></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">3 oz. vodka</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">5 oz. soda water</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">1 drop of lavender oil or 2 sprigs of fresh lavender</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">1 slice of fresh ginger</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #535353; font-family: "helvetica";">Stir and drink!</span><br />
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-11422477695318284322016-04-18T09:30:00.001-05:002016-04-18T09:58:50.023-05:00My Mammogram Call Back<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "verdana"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">by Tonia</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;"><i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid." - Dave Barry</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "verdana"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I got a call back
after my mammogram this year. That’s like an encore, right? Because the girls
did so well? Not exactly. There had been a “change” in my right breast since my
last mammogram and an ultrasound was needed in order to rule out…you know….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "verdana"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All kinds of things
started to run through my mind. My mammogram tech and I had previously
negotiated a safe word: could I use the same one with the ultrasound tech,
would I have to create a new one or would I even need one at all? After all,
rubbing my tit with some kind of object just seemed like kinky foreplay. Would
there be handcuffs or ties on the table, too? Would I have to remove my glitter
pasties? I just had so many questions!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVKXSAbJDWd8gzDv3pwiYUY-WCRAoOZUYpRH0u-f1BPkkNDT5hshQ5vQvsHgsl3FnX00HFRclAswmAJrOKMzmrkHm9-UBkTQjd2qucb0szgd671gt52OXxfzm-UHFELVVNUCGfyL271r2/s1600/mammography-obamacare-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMVKXSAbJDWd8gzDv3pwiYUY-WCRAoOZUYpRH0u-f1BPkkNDT5hshQ5vQvsHgsl3FnX00HFRclAswmAJrOKMzmrkHm9-UBkTQjd2qucb0szgd671gt52OXxfzm-UHFELVVNUCGfyL271r2/s320/mammography-obamacare-cartoon.jpg" width="290" /></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "verdana"; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was supposed
to make an appointment. </span><span style="background: white; color: #525252; font-family: "verdana";">But
first I had to check my calendar to make sure there weren’t any big events
coming up I wanted to be in a good mood for. Geez! I didn’t want bad news
about my ta-tas to ruin a good time! So I checked my calendar and made
the GD appointment. </span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #525252; font-family: "verdana";">As I was laying on the table
flashing the ceiling, I started making promises to the Universe. “If this ultrasound
is OK, I promise I’ll quit fantasizing about the lawn boy. I’ll quit texting
and driving. I’ll stop posting inappropriate things on Facebook.” I’m not sure
which promise worked but it turned out that the “change” was only a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">cyst</i> – according to the dictionary, “</span><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";">a membranous sac or
cavity of abnormal character containing fluid.” </span><span style="background: white; color: #525252; font-family: "verdana";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh28BTt4p-pgH6ZSsdXkjI-G5pYZEyLyvlHhTNGCPwHE_8NI1apPg-339Ffx9nv9s4IlH6Q07KqGC4DDXDGnHubwQNdTKo0szrdDICiMo5e9GabyRG33FfmWHzQNFJhUAOzcYg6zG7cr7si/s1600/support_group_2525655.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh28BTt4p-pgH6ZSsdXkjI-G5pYZEyLyvlHhTNGCPwHE_8NI1apPg-339Ffx9nv9s4IlH6Q07KqGC4DDXDGnHubwQNdTKo0szrdDICiMo5e9GabyRG33FfmWHzQNFJhUAOzcYg6zG7cr7si/s200/support_group_2525655.jpg" width="198" /></a></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";">“Abnormal
character,” huh? Bahahahaha! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";">Extra
“fluid”? Woo hoo! Fill me up! I just need a cyst on the other side now so I can
save myself some money on implants!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";">Soooooo for
your next girlfriends’ get together (great for breast cancer awareness month or
if a girlfriend is going thru breast cancer treatment), play <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>FREEING THE TA-TAS.</b></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";">Directions:
divide your guests into two (2) teams. Have one member from each team put on
the exact number of bras as she has teammates – on the OUTSIDE of her clothing
(for example, if there are 3 teammates besides her, she will put on 3 bras).
Have the Bra Wearers stand about 20 feet away from their lined up teammates.
When someone shouts “GO!” one of the teammates from each team runs to her
team’s Bra Wearer, unhooks one of the bras with only ONE hand, takes it off and
outs it on herself (using 2 hands this time) and runs back to her other
teammates. The next woman in line then runs to the Bra Wearer and does the same
thing. Continue until the one of the original Bra Wearers no longer has any
bras on and the last team member has returned to her teammates. First team to
accomplish this wins!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "verdana";"><br /></span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-82778568424501171982016-03-14T14:36:00.001-05:002016-03-14T14:36:55.899-05:00Colonoscopies: Giving a Shit<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525;">by Tonia</span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #252525;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #252525;">I finally decided to get a colonoscopy. Eleven years overdue, I’d
run out of excuses. I know what you’re thinking – </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">how come she has all the fun? Ugh. </span><span style="background: white; color: #252525;">I’ve
been looking forward to this about as much as a root canal or an IRS audit - even being buried alive in sand with ants crawling all over my head somehow
seemed less dreadful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #252525;">But I did my research and found the cutest…..I mean, most <b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">competent </i></b>gastroenterologist I could
find. He had excellent reviews. Too bad he was just going to see me as an
asshole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">I told
some of my girlfriends I was going (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">BIG</i></b> mistake). They joked that they
couldn’t tell the doctor to go boldly where no man had ever gone before because
that just wasn’t true. Dammit! I tell them <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">WAY</i></b> too much……<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZZtyirDsG4Uyntl_GIzHd-1X-vjvskpLPow4zsEIOFZqtQoCFhAVzP7OQRNRakBLRYpUURRXFUHIKdA9H5ijejYhj8vFyfq79olWBFyJTm1QV36mF1lf9Q-tUitt3hW3tMsk2HM9hfXNo/s1600/photo+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZZtyirDsG4Uyntl_GIzHd-1X-vjvskpLPow4zsEIOFZqtQoCFhAVzP7OQRNRakBLRYpUURRXFUHIKdA9H5ijejYhj8vFyfq79olWBFyJTm1QV36mF1lf9Q-tUitt3hW3tMsk2HM9hfXNo/s200/photo+2.JPG" width="131" /></a><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">So the
time got close and I started on my day of clear liquids. Chicken broth, tea,
apple juice. Vodka. (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">KIDDING!</i></b>) I can’t tell you the
number of times I went to the pantry and ‘frig to get something to eat and then
remembered that I was grounded. Grrrrrr…. Anyone who says fasting </span><span style="background: white; color: #181818;">draws attention away from physical needs to
spiritual concerns didn’t have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">MY</i></b> growling stomach! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818;">Then came
the time to drink my first prep. Holy Mother of God, that shit was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DISGUSTING</i></b>!
It tasted like some kind of salty, fermented cyanide……except that I didn’t die.
I only wished I could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">And it was
about then that I realized something was wrong with my car and I needed to call
a tow truck. It took the guy awhile to arrive and during that “while” my
intestines began to explode. Seriously. It made my most urgent urine stream
seem like cute little dribbles. I can only describe it as the kind of force
that one sees when testing fire hydrants. If I had been outside and bent over,
it would have knocked down large pets and small children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJGefc4iWNmyVMf8wChJ7ABOykBLPOEtkmtoh7A4r8nTlOHuWrQxoRx5D2PwYzabNUnZ2koasXM3J3JWZJ8Cpqw-xSehVXaMWi4d12OteMAdKNQjniP_ljNuFkb1du3VSB5-2PTi3n-R6y/s1600/photo+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJGefc4iWNmyVMf8wChJ7ABOykBLPOEtkmtoh7A4r8nTlOHuWrQxoRx5D2PwYzabNUnZ2koasXM3J3JWZJ8Cpqw-xSehVXaMWi4d12OteMAdKNQjniP_ljNuFkb1du3VSB5-2PTi3n-R6y/s200/photo+1.jpg" width="133" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #181818;">But the tow
truck guy was knocking at my door. As soon as I could, I got up from the toilet
and explained where I wanted my car to go. I said I would not be accompanying
him, however, because I had to stay close to the bathroom. </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">And <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">THAT </i></b>understatement, my friends, ranks
right up there with Astronaut Jim Lovell’s, “Houston, we’ve got a problem” when
Apollo 13’s oxygen tank exploded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">I’ll
spare you the description of the next 14 hours but, let’s just say that at the
end of it, no one could tell me I was full of shit. It just wasn’t true. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">Anna
drove me to the procedure. I wanted to draw a bull’s-eye around the target so
the cute doctor wouldn’t mistake one of my cellulite dimples for my asshole. Or,
at the very least, I wanted to write a message on my ass, “This isn’t my best
side.” But, alas, it all happened so quickly that I had no time. I woke up and
it was over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGUoLQ_W024WcBFH7qhERWJzcXl_8q22UfCYVldyonRw8dhy3Rc0ffnzaYItBcex2wxJldkaO14QzxGC74OmgDEpXIcXO-jxNhWigBmEB9s7ONNg83GpujdB8FbJrbUQFriPBg_Fpi4qbL/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="89" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGUoLQ_W024WcBFH7qhERWJzcXl_8q22UfCYVldyonRw8dhy3Rc0ffnzaYItBcex2wxJldkaO14QzxGC74OmgDEpXIcXO-jxNhWigBmEB9s7ONNg83GpujdB8FbJrbUQFriPBg_Fpi4qbL/s200/photo.JPG" width="200" /></a>So I did
it. My results were good. Now everyone can get off my ass about it!</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";">And, in
honor of colonoscopies, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a Healthy
Gut potluck. Ask everyone to bring fiber-rich foods, citrus fruits, and foods
that contain probiotics (yogurt, miso, etc). Then honor the wisdom of your “gut”
by talking about times when your gut feelings were accurate despite evidence to
the contrary! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande";"><br /></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-35997921151428673112016-03-07T23:59:00.001-06:002016-03-08T09:47:28.120-06:00Don't Eat Me<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "cambria";">“I would not drink bottles of water at my mom's house because I never
knew how long she'd been refilling them from the sink and putting them back in
the refrigerator.” – Dan Fogelman</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">Instead
of a boyfriend I have a refrigerator. I have romantic moonlit walks to meet up
with it secretly in the middle of the night. We understand one another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">But
sometimes relationships have their ups and downs, ya know? Like boyfriends, the ‘frig looks cute
and clean from the outside…….but, after awhile, deep within its compartments,
it's just <i>bad</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">So
the day I was fasting for my colonoscopy I decided to clean the fucker </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">(cleaning out the insides of </span><i style="color: #252525; font-family: 'american typewriter';">both</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"> of us). </span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">I would do a little more than just wipe off the front of the shelves. And,
for the record, </span><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "american typewriter";">I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i> try to clean my ‘frig occasionally…..well,
maybe 2-3x a year…..OK, maybe less. I don’t know. Let’s not get hung
up on the details.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">I actually have a theory about what happens to food in </span><span style="background: white; font-family: "american typewriter";">refrigerators - it</span><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "american typewriter"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"> gets sucked into a parallel refrigerator universe, not to be
seen again for months…..or, in my case, years. Then it gets dropped out of that
alternate universe and left for dead in the very back corner of the lower
shelf.....and the middle shelf.....and sometimes the upper shelf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjpMYpg0OudL_TByIAtjMJBBgqMVmaTBhadwlSfUUp4lEeYv5QzbY3lvktHto7QS3sLoBUhwc5cEVJE3WqcJpEv6RyNLeAJpgf14_jSMokZvT-oOuuquN1Ugo_MLyelo3dsIOF_mXGGbzg/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjpMYpg0OudL_TByIAtjMJBBgqMVmaTBhadwlSfUUp4lEeYv5QzbY3lvktHto7QS3sLoBUhwc5cEVJE3WqcJpEv6RyNLeAJpgf14_jSMokZvT-oOuuquN1Ugo_MLyelo3dsIOF_mXGGbzg/s200/photo.JPG" width="200" /></a><span style="background: white; font-family: "american typewriter";">So,
as I was cleaning and playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What’s That
Vegetable</i>, I wondered: when exactly does the edible become the inedible? When it changes colors</span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"> or when it grows things or when it starts to smell?
And at what point does a single woman’s refrigerator start to look like a frat
house’s refrigerator? And why hasn’t someone invented disposable refrigerators? I pondered these things as I pulled my arm off some sticky stuff on the
‘frig walls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "american typewriter"; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">In my cleaning, I discovered things from 2003 (threw those away).
There were also Tupperware containers I wisely decided <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to open because I had no gas mask readily available. I just pitched
them, containers and all. I can buy more Tupperware later. </span><span style="background: white; font-family: "american typewriter";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">How does one know when it's time to clean the frig? Here are some clues (you're welcome!):<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #252525; font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> -----</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">No light escapes when
you open the door at night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #252525; font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> -----</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">You’d rather be hit
by car than open the refrigerator door<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #252525; font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> -----</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">You think you had an
Elvis sighting in there<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #252525; font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> -----</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">The vegetable drawer
looks like an undiscovered rain forest<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #252525; font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> -----</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">Something pulls the
door shut from the inside<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWsp7W7NogN51RqjPhEs_amh5K_TZiISilZLw7L0VpXE0xT1fb6v7YHf5Cf455eN1y24diG50402Y0ChxmjMSjRgYI7443bNYDu7cW_PfspWNys0OUmhbuKcRi_gQxiyrKGAY8BNZmDG1I/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWsp7W7NogN51RqjPhEs_amh5K_TZiISilZLw7L0VpXE0xT1fb6v7YHf5Cf455eN1y24diG50402Y0ChxmjMSjRgYI7443bNYDu7cW_PfspWNys0OUmhbuKcRi_gQxiyrKGAY8BNZmDG1I/s200/photo.JPG" width="143" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "american typewriter";">And, now that I'm finished cleaning the 'frig, I like to go into the kitchen just to open the door and see the brilliance! </span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">Maybe I’ll tackle the
oven next……….uh..........well........nah!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";">And, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a tacky left-over dinner party.
Ask girlfriends to bring their left-overs or any food with the word “product” on the
label (i.e. “pasteurized prepared cheese product”). Set out foods in aerosol
cans (i.e. whipped cream, Cheez Whiz, etc.) and serve some kind of potted meat. Drink
heavily!!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "american typewriter";"><br /></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-6942905386317619002016-02-25T19:09:00.002-06:002016-02-26T08:22:34.473-06:00Angry Birds<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">For
several years sparrows have been nesting under the eaves of my roof. This “home
inside my home” may be home-grown but it is NOT homey! It
is an intrusive declaration of war - a survival of the fittest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgzhd6VPZRFel1Bdlnbul8kk7lZBac8L3nkjGXeA8E5nF48OSjRq0yXW-plg5rtk3t4HPmT0qjx_UQIoLT-YQjwNLwcC00lWyZZ3JeHrzdj3wsAhrZTLP5eB5yI82nwMnB4JPaFe8J4R3h/s1600/photo+5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgzhd6VPZRFel1Bdlnbul8kk7lZBac8L3nkjGXeA8E5nF48OSjRq0yXW-plg5rtk3t4HPmT0qjx_UQIoLT-YQjwNLwcC00lWyZZ3JeHrzdj3wsAhrZTLP5eB5yI82nwMnB4JPaFe8J4R3h/s200/photo+5.JPG" width="200" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">Those
fucking birds are like dive bombers coming through the patio. I’ve had injuries
trying to take cover. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">And
the incessant chirping of hungry baby birds at 4:00 a.m. is enough to make me
want to be a gun owner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">And
did I mention the bird poop all over my patio furniture? It’s like my patio table is
an avian shit magnet! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">And,
my favorite fowl remnant - the occasional “dumping” (splatting) of a least-favored
newly hatched naked baby onto the patio – usually in the early morning hours - so
that I can step on it as I start my day. Yes, I’m a bird hater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">I’ve
tried to keep those birds from nesting. Really. I’ve tried - <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">--
I’ve stuffed tubular inserts into the cracks of the eaves. RESULT: tubular
inserts removed<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">and tossed on my doorstep as humiliating
evidence of my defeat.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">-- I’ve
taped reflective psychedelic flapping-in-the breeze ribbons to the eaves to scare them. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">RESULT: wild dance parties with a disco ball
and loud music.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">--
I’ve put garlic and other bird-repelling herbs under the eaves. RESULT:
garlic-belching </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">birds flying by thanking me for the new bird
food recipe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">-- I’ve
tacked wire mesh over favorite nesting spots. RESULT: wire mesh reconfigured as
a </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">barbed wire fence to keep ME out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">-- I’ve
left them notes that they are going to have to start paying rent if they don’t
leave. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">RESULT: shredded notes as part of the nest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Y2F0YO-3KD5WWuyjC2OQjAFHHa6DtPUaluuso6S0bKfQNGfMGGXq_mazk-WyBQnNrd8J9f2C-fo25H1KXrtmpfUokCG5fqOTbIgWdWJxpWzLCJ0DxPCCG1wTHmPoTkX5VlNyqMUgRBAS/s1600/photo+9.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5Y2F0YO-3KD5WWuyjC2OQjAFHHa6DtPUaluuso6S0bKfQNGfMGGXq_mazk-WyBQnNrd8J9f2C-fo25H1KXrtmpfUokCG5fqOTbIgWdWJxpWzLCJ0DxPCCG1wTHmPoTkX5VlNyqMUgRBAS/s200/photo+9.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">But
this year, with unseasonable warm weather for February, I decided I’d better declare
war early. With just a few pieces of straw protruding from the eaves, I climbed
up on my shaky ladder and caulked every single tiny GD space I could find under
those eaves. It now looks like my roof has been glued to the house by a 2 year
old. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">After my caulking frenzy, I looked up to admire my handiwork
and there were two birds sitting on the guttering near their former
nesting spots. Glaring. No, SERIOUSLY glaring. I mean, PLOTTING REVENGE
glaring. I ran into the house as fast as I could. I’ve created my very own
angry birds. God help me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";">For
your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a slumber party and, in the middle of
the night, instead of TPing someone’s house, move those bird nests to your arch-enemy neighbor’s eaves!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-83795725492161065352016-02-16T22:06:00.000-06:002016-02-16T22:20:00.582-06:00Overlay<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">Estrofests is thrilled and privileged to host guest blogger, Meg Myers Morgan. Meg is author of </span></i></span></span><i style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;">"</span></i><i style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia";">Harebrained: It Seemed Like a Good Idea
at the Time<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">." </span>She recently gave
an inspirational Tedx Talk "Negotiating for your Life." </span></i><br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">by Meg Myers Morgan</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">When my
husband and I first started dating, Jim planned a romantic evening out for us.
This included dinner at a restaurant I had promised myself I’d never patronize
again. While Jim’s default is to always let me have my way, that night he refused.
He drove us to the restaurant with me protesting the entire way. When we pulled
into the lot, he put the car in park, shut off the engine, turned to me and
said, “I’m about to give you an overlay experience.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
blushed at his forwardness, but he then explained what he meant by “overlay.”
He believed that all bad experiences can be redone, with the hopes of having a
better experience the second time. So by taking me to a restaurant in which I’d
had a bad experience, he was determined to overlay it with a good one.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">And it
worked.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">We had
such a fantastic date that night, the restaurant is now one of our favorite
spots.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">While
this seemed small, Jim’s overlay idea became a substantial component of our
relationship. We re-experienced numerous restaurants, trips, and movies
together. But it also became somewhat of a philosophy of our life together: no
bad experience is the final word. Sometimes the overlays were small: Jim
re-watching<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Annie Hall</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>with me
and finally agreeing it had merit. And sometimes they were significant: the
birth of our second child overlaying the experience of our first.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
experience birthing our first child was a bad one. Incredibly long labor,
hours of pushing, extreme tearing (men, your life is a cake walk), excruciating
PUPPS rash <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">after </i>delivery (Google
image this, but not before dinner), no milk supply leading to my daughter’s
severe dehydration and readmission into the hospital, the horror of trying to
defecate after a vaginal delivery (seriously, as a gender we need to talk about
this more), and postpartum depression.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
gamut of horrible experiences.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">But on
the eve of our second daughter’s birth, my husband assured me the experience
would overlay the first. He even argued the more horrible the first experience,
the greater the overlay.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">And
dammit if he wasn’t right again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
hardly even noticed I’d delivered London. Short labor, only a handful of
pushes, no tearing, no rash, no dehydration issues, and I didn’t even bat an
eye taking a shit after birth. I came home with a quiet, sweet, sleepy baby who
politely existed in our lives the first few weeks as if she didn’t want to
bother anyone. This made me believe I was ready to take on one of life’s
greatest challenges:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The family vacation.</span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></b>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj67DtN2ORU9-GiWwrjEVT3zecqasrwc-bbBK49kxQKACpzI_HraTKbcol56m8COGPtpFcSu8w66nSsGWU4pAW7725LPhsAKvAmVuoAVtO-yU-wb2Zjg6rTz9rX8UQyoj1eraW2d70VvFOp/s1600/FamilyThanksgiving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj67DtN2ORU9-GiWwrjEVT3zecqasrwc-bbBK49kxQKACpzI_HraTKbcol56m8COGPtpFcSu8w66nSsGWU4pAW7725LPhsAKvAmVuoAVtO-yU-wb2Zjg6rTz9rX8UQyoj1eraW2d70VvFOp/s200/FamilyThanksgiving.jpg" width="200" /></a>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
decided that an overnight stay somewhere close would be the perfect way to
spend our first vacation as a family of four. The night before we left, I
packed more brilliantly than I’d ever packed before. I had all the baby’s gear;
I had all the toddler gear; I had swimsuits; I had sunscreen. I had the double
stroller. I had chargers for all electronic devices. I even had the fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frozen </i>soundtrack.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
morning we got on the road at the exact time for which we had aimed and
synchronized our watches. During the drive, the uninterrupted conversation and
peacefully sleeping children lured us into a false sense of security.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">And the
first destination—the science museum—was a huge success. But before dinner, things
started to unravel. It began with a slight burning in my right eye. My husband
joked that I had pink eye. I laughed, until I looked over at Lowery and
noticed her left eye was gunky. And pink. Luckily, my brilliant packing
included every single medication in our bathroom, even a half empty bottle of
antibiotic eye drops.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>I’m not
implying that trying to get eye drops into an uncooperative preschooler ruined
the trip. But it sure worked up a nice sweat before dinner.</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Once
all infected eyes were treated, we decided to walk to a nearby restaurant. I
had London strapped to my chest, and Lowery held my husband’s hand as we
strolled out of the hotel to discover it was sprinkling. Slightly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">As we
walked, however, the slight sprinkle turned into a deluge. By the time we got
to the restaurant door, rain was falling in a manner most often seen during
hurricanes. Or movies about shipwrecks.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>I’m not
implying that getting drenched with rainwater on our walk to the restaurant
ruined our trip. But it sure cooled us off from all the eye-drop wrestling.</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">When we
were safely inside the restaurant, we were told there would be a thirty-minute
wait for a table. This didn’t worry me. In my brilliant packing I had managed
to bring a small backpack filled with coloring books and stickers to occupy my
three-year-old. But after we had been waiting more than an hour, all the
stickers were placed and all the pages were colored. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>I’m not
implying that waiting more than an hour for a table when there were clearly no
other people occupying it ruined our trip. But it certainly allowed us time to
work up an appetite.</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Another
hour passed before our meal was delivered. The only bright spot of the meal was
a balloon artist who came to our table. Lowery was so excited that she leapt
out of her seat to come show me her new animal, tripped over the balloon
artist’s foot and collided with the concrete floor. She screamed a scream not
normally possible from such small lungs. This awoke our infant, who promptly
tried to rival her sister’s volume. I scooped up my three-year-old and headed
to the lobby with both children screaming uncontrollably. With no option, I sat
down on the floor to feed the baby while using my one free arm to wipe the
blood off of my other child’s knees, all while my husband finished paying the
bill.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
screaming from both children lasted the entire walk back to the hotel.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>I’m not
implying that the extremely awful restaurant experience ruined our trip. But I
do think it was responsible for putting all four of us in a pretty foul mood.</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgzZMe2AWK6qjn4zMCKOjYSjtswn324R3RBQy4kI2vJNoeIO63Ij4x0VeNXKUpjTOivTXqZxK5AY4vHIwdDfaw0akvbNu-1I086RR72V7qDsuNUobyWHbSb99F5GiD1XmQHA76Q3ZfadH/s1600/screaming-kid-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgzZMe2AWK6qjn4zMCKOjYSjtswn324R3RBQy4kI2vJNoeIO63Ij4x0VeNXKUpjTOivTXqZxK5AY4vHIwdDfaw0akvbNu-1I086RR72V7qDsuNUobyWHbSb99F5GiD1XmQHA76Q3ZfadH/s200/screaming-kid-1.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Back in
our hotel room and in dry clothes, Lowery was beginning to exhibit signs of
mental instability. She pulled everything out of every bag, all the pillows off
the bed and then ran to the bathroom and attempted to lock herself in. I tried
to help my husband with her antics, but I was occupied by our inconsolable
infant.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">For
over an hour I worked to calm my inexplicably crying baby, while my husband resorted
to every disciplinary tactic ever invented to try to calm down our wound-up
child. Lowery is strong-willed and independent. But this night was like
nothing we’d ever seen. She had gone full-on Linda Blair. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Meanwhile,
our infant, who had barely uttered a peep in her first few weeks of life, was
screaming as though she’d just realized she had exited the womb. At one point,
the front desk called our room to raise concerns about the noise level. We
could barely hear each other over the two screaming girls.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I don’t
negotiate with terrorists!” my husband screamed at one point as our
three-year-old attempted to stick her head through a coat hanger.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">“When
is your vasectomy scheduled?!” I yelled over the high-pitched screech of our
infant.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lowery,
who had opened the two complimentary bottles of water and poured them in the
toilet, fought our demands that she get on the bed and go to sleep. She cried
and screamed and pouted and, to my complete horror, spit. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Watching
my child—my sweet, typically well-behaved child—literally spit at us made
something inside of me snap. And I yelled. I yelled louder than the screaming
children. Louder than I’d ever yelled. And when I stopped, Lowery looked at me,
completely unfazed by my outburst, and yelled back, “I’m<span class="apple-converted-space"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span>just<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>tired!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">With
that pronouncement, she threw herself dramatically on the bed. And as her head
hit the pillow, even before the rest of her body had landed, she was completely
asleep. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">My
husband and I looked at each other in shock, not even realizing that London had
miraculously stopped crying as well and had passed out asleep in my arms. Jim
tip toed over to Lowery’s bed and covered her with a blanket. I laid the baby
gently down in the crib. And we silently crawled into bed together, trembling
while we held each other like Leo and Kate in the icy waters.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>I’m not
implying that our three-year-old ruined our family vacation, but she totally
did.</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWgqIlp2x5uHzKChYPQTuuB2WREISeab-jIWFuXK7uyCqClo6tLrmgBo7GEyHz3IyJOZFn4QlACOhmMY1oxpsIQjC13wjHpm2FeTtVGotORnvRSSK9Kab4dl2q1EchL4qxYL6jMgiIRTAZ/s1600/bad-vacation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWgqIlp2x5uHzKChYPQTuuB2WREISeab-jIWFuXK7uyCqClo6tLrmgBo7GEyHz3IyJOZFn4QlACOhmMY1oxpsIQjC13wjHpm2FeTtVGotORnvRSSK9Kab4dl2q1EchL4qxYL6jMgiIRTAZ/s320/bad-vacation.jpg" width="270" /></a><span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next morning, Lowery popped up looking refreshed and happy. She bounced over to
our bed to give us kisses. We rose up like two hung over frat boys to kiss her
back. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Ten
minutes into our journey home, a mere 18 hours after the trip began, Lowery
said she needed to use the bathroom. The last sign we passed said the next rest
stop was 30 miles ahead. Lowery began to cry, yelling that she really needed to
go and couldn’t hold it. We sped up, promising Lowery candy if she could hold
it. (I wasn’t going up for Mother of the Year this trip.) <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">When we
finally made it to the rest stop, Lowery bounced out of the car and ran next to
me holding her crotch. She perched herself on the toilet, but I heard nothing.
Pure silence.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
don’t have to go any more,” she smiled up at me.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Rather
than leave her there on the toilet, get back in the car and drive away, I’ll
always praise myself for deciding to take her with us.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Back in
the car and ten more minutes down the road, London began screaming. Loudly. We
contemplated our options. Me crawling in the back seat while the car went 90
down the highway, or pulling off to the side of the road. Neither was
advisable, so we drove another 20 solid minutes with our infant screaming in
the dog octave. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">When we
finally stopped, I jumped in the back seat, and the moment I placed the
pacifier in her mouth, before her lips could even seal around it, she fell
asleep.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">Back on
the road again, Lowery softly said, “Okay, I really do have to go this time.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">What
seemed like hours later, we pulled into our driveway and sat there with the
engine still running and rain beating down on the hood. Both children were finally
sleeping in the back seat. Tears began rolling down my cheeks. When my gentle
crying became audible sobbing, Jim turned to look at me. At first his face was
twisted with concern, but then it morphed into an enormous grin.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Why
are you smiling?” I said, as snot started to collect on my upper lip.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Because,”
he said with a laugh, “just imagine the overlay.”</span> <o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;">
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<!--EndFragment--></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">For your next girlfriends' get
together, play <i>When I Say/My Kids Hear. </i>Take several
long sheets of paper and write a different "When I say...."
sentence-starter on the top of each sheet. (Examples: "When I say 'Go to bed,' my kids
hear _________" or "When I say 'Pick up your room,' my kids hear
________.") Pass the sheets around so everyone can write on each
paper. After everyone has written on all of the sheets, read them out loud. </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-7Iwm-4hBSmrFdwbutwC5EXsu_g0k3f1PAFJc357TLlvvYLXcmCrrbCCuAebMwVfAPQbx3JmagLR46YlaA8SouuDCefhvFwqP-Wii3GFaIAxCncoFT8sQcHjFPqw8YEjknPVLIe3t9sHL/s1600/MEG_Headshot6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-7Iwm-4hBSmrFdwbutwC5EXsu_g0k3f1PAFJc357TLlvvYLXcmCrrbCCuAebMwVfAPQbx3JmagLR46YlaA8SouuDCefhvFwqP-Wii3GFaIAxCncoFT8sQcHjFPqw8YEjknPVLIe3t9sHL/s200/MEG_Headshot6.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>Meg is a woman with too little time on her hands to write as though she's got nothing but time. Even still, she's written a humorous blog since 2010 and she has been published in print and syndicated online. Her book </i></span>Harebrained: It seemed like a good idea at the time<i>, came out in 2015 and ranked in the top ten humorous books on Amazon. She recently gave a Tedx Talk "Negotiating for your Life" (available online in March of 2016). An Oklahoma native, Meg received her undergraduate degree in English and Creative Writing from Drury University, and her MPA and PhD from the University of Oklahoma. Meg lives in Tulsa with her husband and two daughters. She works as an assistant professor of political science and writes feverishly in the minuscule time after her children go to bed and before her nightcap. </i><br />
<i>Buy her book <a href="http://amzn.to/1FyI6FA" target="_blank">HERE </a></i><br />
<a href="x-webdoc://3166AB24-EFBC-4E93-AF61-863E61742EF4/%22"><span class="s3"><br /></span></a>
<a href="x-webdoc://3166AB24-EFBC-4E93-AF61-863E61742EF4/%22"><span class="s3"><br /></span></a></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-14368048597515841102016-01-10T22:48:00.000-06:002020-03-31T17:30:45.179-05:00It's Music to My Vagina<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
by Tonia<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJvzZdu2-dzP6kB1Zjg9XTExKrkZSf1EvZMVBTigG8hJujU8JjkVBxmjiem86i4Bxjda7ve0ugkOutokbhZrflneaLAfwYqpz9l9i9MALUMB356GEMvJ33LEKaNsCMAZ6vFHy_dD9BoeMC/s1600/568c2a4f190000c90178b1d6.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJvzZdu2-dzP6kB1Zjg9XTExKrkZSf1EvZMVBTigG8hJujU8JjkVBxmjiem86i4Bxjda7ve0ugkOutokbhZrflneaLAfwYqpz9l9i9MALUMB356GEMvJ33LEKaNsCMAZ6vFHy_dD9BoeMC/s200/568c2a4f190000c90178b1d6.jpeg" width="200" /></a>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Have you heard about Babypod? It's a small
speaker inserted into the vagina so pregnant women’s little uterine
occupants can listen to music. Yep. A musical tampon. (I thought one of joys of
pregnancy was </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NOT</i><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> having to use tampons!) I know lots of women who </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">GOT</i><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
pregnant with music, but I’ve not known any to stick music up their va-jays-jays AFTER
they got knocked up.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But it’s nice to know that the vagina can be
so functional …. since it’s mostly an unused, empty space - and so conveniently
located. Just jam a couple of speakers up there and turn up the muzak! Maybe it
could also be used for other kinds of storage as well. Snacks. Household items.
Cleaning supplies. How about a pez dispenser to reward a partner for a little
cunnilingus? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-n9WhiCuq_Rj0f4U7z0xm-9GKtH_7rkNBkLsVcQQ_TyA6C5FBVIx7lTPtClJbY3_Ue4OycHNLdrNvI590UJ1GJ6u_C3Snn0uigXtm7sJwBahx_FPLqozfQTpgrPQ6dqcgYsZK7OGImKlg/s1600/images-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-n9WhiCuq_Rj0f4U7z0xm-9GKtH_7rkNBkLsVcQQ_TyA6C5FBVIx7lTPtClJbY3_Ue4OycHNLdrNvI590UJ1GJ6u_C3Snn0uigXtm7sJwBahx_FPLqozfQTpgrPQ6dqcgYsZK7OGImKlg/s200/images-1.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Supposedly Babypod was invented after several ultrasounds
showed fetuses responding to music by moving their mouths and tongues – you
know, like fetus lip syncing. Can’t wait for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> new show. The makers of Babypod also assert that music
improves in vitro fertilization (no vagina needed for that, BTW). You know, cuz
sperm like to try their best dance moves as they move to the beat of the music while approaching the ovum.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #444444;">A definite <i>advantage</i> of the Babypod
would be to get a little vibration going in the ol’ hoo-ha. Kind of like
those hands-free vibrators. Which I guess means staying out of the public eye
while playing Beethoven to </span><span style="color: #191919; font-family: "arial"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Cletus the Fetus. But it would be kind of fun
to walk around Walmart and confuse people about the faint music sound. If
anyone asked where the music was coming from, I’d simply say, “Yea, its my vagina.”</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For your next girlfriends’ get together,
forget the Babypod and just have a sex toy party. You’ll especially like the
hands-free remote-operated vibrator! You’re welcome!</span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-63042053310161877392016-01-03T09:18:00.000-06:002016-01-04T20:59:50.471-06:00Eat the Turkey - Don't BE a Turkey<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">by Anna</span><br />
<br />
My mother has fully resigned from the holidays. At first, she
just did nontraditional holiday meals. Now, she is completely moving out of the
state to avoid any holiday expectations.</div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">So, after a few years of turkey/dressing deprivation, she
finally heard my cry and randomly dumped a 25 pound frozen bird in my ‘fridge.
WTF? At first I was totally intimidated by the bitch’s huge ass (the turkey’s –
not my mother’s). (And, by the way, are turkeys male or female? I didn’t see
any of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">those</i> body parts in the giblet
sack.) But I decided to face my fears - my intimidation turned to
interest and then to excitement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6NfaJEhOx0TqRrg3hDHC0kygRpIH71z25R3HVxqoOsuUkAlCzxvvierB3ry_WUS-Jiw5nT_qGq9UkeC_0oV42lpB1KMN-x3PQNHj6epKtr6Rxx1Ii3NRvf1kKLL1GdN1YFU__waoAfx2M/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6NfaJEhOx0TqRrg3hDHC0kygRpIH71z25R3HVxqoOsuUkAlCzxvvierB3ry_WUS-Jiw5nT_qGq9UkeC_0oV42lpB1KMN-x3PQNHj6epKtr6Rxx1Ii3NRvf1kKLL1GdN1YFU__waoAfx2M/s200/images.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">I googled some recipes, set a date and invited some close
buddies over for "Friendsgiving."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought for sure this thing would be thawed in 4 days. NOPE! Six hours
before showtime the bitch was still frozen solid. So I threw her in some water,
gave her a pep talk, and called my guests to let them know that we’d be having
hor d’oeuvres before dinner (trying to buy some time). Two hours into her hot
tub soak I slapped her on the ass and said, “Time to face the heat!” </span><br />
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">Of course
she still hadn't warmed up to me so I ended up wrestling her to the floor
trying to undo that plastic thing that held her legs together. Good god! It was
like a chastity belt for slutty birds! I decided that I would just have
to cut it off. I tried scissors; I tried knives; I tried chewing on it. I considered melting it with a lighter but finally got it off and scooped out
her frozen innards. I found an old paint brush (other DIY tips to follow) and lathered
her down with a mixture of warm butter, parsley, sage and rosemary. I like to
call it my "Scarborough Af-Fair."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOlg_r694YakxSG9jeuzrxkmYYnsodcu2LuxBtUrPO2IPGoU9eqyXPzZM7AiGtierJdVKv8cg81-lMIHmIfQMRiMxnZsUFyoybPqAPj0stYJrhFapjO8f8kRCcPpTG5KLSqtv1t-TzP0vX/s1600/IMG_2059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOlg_r694YakxSG9jeuzrxkmYYnsodcu2LuxBtUrPO2IPGoU9eqyXPzZM7AiGtierJdVKv8cg81-lMIHmIfQMRiMxnZsUFyoybPqAPj0stYJrhFapjO8f8kRCcPpTG5KLSqtv1t-TzP0vX/s200/IMG_2059.jpg" width="166" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">After I snuggled her in my tiny oven, I felt all warm inside. I started to wash some
dishes and BAM! A wine glass exploded and made a huge gash on my hand. Blood
flew everywhere. My apartment now looked like I had killed the bird myself. So
off I went to the ER to get stitches. As karma would have it, my mother now had
to monitor the very thing she hates to cook. (Sometimes the Universe has a
sense of humor, don’t you think?) But, by the time she made it over, my smoke
alarm was going off and it wasn’t to cheer me on - my whole apartment had
filled with smoke. SHIT! Did I leave that towel inside the bird? Did l leave
the giblet wrapper in the pan? Was the bitch mad about how I treated her and was letting off steam? WTF happened? I accused my mother of setting it
on fire so she could get firemen to come over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">Despite all the travails the turkey was delicious and we
learned that my smoke detector works and that the wait time in the ER is as long
as it ever was.</span></div>
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<span style="color: windowtext; font-family: Helvetica;">So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, DON’T cook but
definitely drink. This is what we like to serve on a cold winter’s night - a mixture of peppermint mocha with vodka in a peppermint cup. Cheers! (OUCH! My hand hurts!)</span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-81039163008647374102015-12-16T23:45:00.001-06:002015-12-16T23:45:33.833-06:00A Ski Spree<div class="MsoNormal">
By Tonia<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Skiing: the art of
catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal
risk.” <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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I need to endanger myself now and then - so I go snow skiing.
At my age I’d just as soon break a hip on the slopes as break it on my kitchen
floor. And, if I’m in a sexual dry spell (more like a parched/dehydrated/almost
dead spell), I can get my dopamine rush speeding precariously down a mountain
on two skinny boards with people waving pointy poles all around me. So I
suckered a girlfriend into driving to Pagosa Springs, Co. to ski Wolf Creek with
me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn9JI3Uqu5bEphe61xTTeK2UVh_jmRizlENXU_Jl99HBHqfuHujXyJ24Mr_3WxsCCiMAAHCKukpgHJFeoZvVx6vkDMkA02tWOMV7qdJJ35n3f6fDe-t5CcGE-G-LzWbeLqub15UHJFGJCe/s1600/photo+9.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn9JI3Uqu5bEphe61xTTeK2UVh_jmRizlENXU_Jl99HBHqfuHujXyJ24Mr_3WxsCCiMAAHCKukpgHJFeoZvVx6vkDMkA02tWOMV7qdJJ35n3f6fDe-t5CcGE-G-LzWbeLqub15UHJFGJCe/s200/photo+9.JPG" width="134" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
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I also took Remington (aka Dog) so, before being cooped up
in the car, I took him to the dog park to play. As we were traveling happily down HWY 44 I started to smell something gross. Nothing says road trip like the aroma of dog shit on your shoe for 600 miles! And after only 10-12 pee stops (remember: two <i>women</i> on this road
trip!) we finally made it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkNC3LKv16yGZraz6fU5diVFr02os7sJ56uAa3d4N6rOcn_aEs_DXV6ztS5irinklY6H92mVrlhFNAex13LTbh5FMUdZElqLmM9MJZqTXfyRk7QBAJFLo3Rd2zh2po2xyyAQLWCrKLuXGW/s1600/photo+13.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkNC3LKv16yGZraz6fU5diVFr02os7sJ56uAa3d4N6rOcn_aEs_DXV6ztS5irinklY6H92mVrlhFNAex13LTbh5FMUdZElqLmM9MJZqTXfyRk7QBAJFLo3Rd2zh2po2xyyAQLWCrKLuXGW/s200/photo+13.JPG" width="132" /></a></div>
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Now I love to ski but it’s not pretty. Sometimes I just pray
not to get hurt getting fitted at the ski rentals. This year I successfully got
through the fitting but, when I was standing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">perfectly still</i> on the slopes, one of my legs went AWOL and my other
body parts protested by throwing themselves in every direction. If you’ve skied
before, you know there are levels: GREEN is easy; BLUE is intermediate and
BLACK is difficult. I skied mostly greens but I still ended up black and blue….<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjQdstyADXXajmv1EYVEhI715F5tnt93LBYjflbBQd8FNiMOgc8chZjVht8CcrYN16Dng78XzEzMqxAs4MEzmVV4_Byh-4iGxSM5fh3de3yds5ohhqX3KniqpEPdQ-bwAXTLcov-9HkyZ6/s1600/photo+14.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="157" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjQdstyADXXajmv1EYVEhI715F5tnt93LBYjflbBQd8FNiMOgc8chZjVht8CcrYN16Dng78XzEzMqxAs4MEzmVV4_Byh-4iGxSM5fh3de3yds5ohhqX3KniqpEPdQ-bwAXTLcov-9HkyZ6/s200/photo+14.JPG" width="150" /></a>On our last day there was a blizzard. Yes, an honest-to-god,
hand-numbing, bone-chilling, nose-freezing, face-biting blizzard. I’d like to
say that the cold never bothered me anyway but IT DOES, Goddamnit! Snowmen
gained weight, lifts blew sideways and, worst of all, hot ski instructors grew
into misshapen, grotesque Yetis. No ski instructor fantasies <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> night with the toys!<o:p></o:p></div>
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But we returned with no broken bones – and an intact
friendship. In fact, we’re planning our next adventure!<br />
<br />
So, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, get out of town
and start a blizzard of memories with lots of shenanigans!<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-23923412466015766162015-11-18T12:17:00.000-06:002015-11-18T12:17:00.218-06:00Enjoy the Trip Down South<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">by Tonia</span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt;">Always the
scientist, I ran across some research recently that suggests cunnilingus may be
an evolutionary adaptation used by men to prevent infidelity. Meditate on that for a
moment…..</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Does that mean a
va-jay-jay is like food - if you lick it, no one else wants to eat it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Or maybe it’s as
simple as the fact that his head cock-blocks the entrance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Or maybe it’s cuz if
you really know how to pleasure me, I don’t want to go anywhere else! </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVpC6hS47FxNGmhRRjpRpWtudEesM7xYO8eSdmLRU03_GQx6Q6lscWi_3QwzFjMQTXLAPSrVdARFHFHc7wOueyjj-7ui_etlldwq-OLFOR_920nXnauijUmWIjyW-CmDiIbWTMI591Rze4/s1600/vagitarian_oval_decal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="103" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVpC6hS47FxNGmhRRjpRpWtudEesM7xYO8eSdmLRU03_GQx6Q6lscWi_3QwzFjMQTXLAPSrVdARFHFHc7wOueyjj-7ui_etlldwq-OLFOR_920nXnauijUmWIjyW-CmDiIbWTMI591Rze4/s200/vagitarian_oval_decal.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div>
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hmmmm…….<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
</div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I’ve been pondering
cunnilingus. And I want to give some lip service to this important genitalese.
Yes, I’ll be your cunning linguist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjydqg28hdr1QTVxb0GWQ0mlBuaIHBl7HezOamTKsDXKJJwrtAefUoglWz83jxV0bSHNgcOXreryXv_95DVftdSmCmImQP3G60Fvf1wGcxCvKyUXPB6P2N42xnAZuLwujfViIzDAVx_piVI/s1600/its_not_going_to_lick_itself_sticker_rectangular.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjydqg28hdr1QTVxb0GWQ0mlBuaIHBl7HezOamTKsDXKJJwrtAefUoglWz83jxV0bSHNgcOXreryXv_95DVftdSmCmImQP3G60Fvf1wGcxCvKyUXPB6P2N42xnAZuLwujfViIzDAVx_piVI/s200/its_not_going_to_lick_itself_sticker_rectangular.jpg" width="125" /></a><span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">While some partners
go south simply to ingratiate themselves (like helping move furniture or
programming the DVR), anyone who’s going to earn a diving certificate from me needs
to show some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">enthusiasm </i>for the pussy!
This shouldn’t be a perfunctory task, boys. It should be a celebration! You’re
getting up close and personal to the Area 51 of my body! And it’s awesome!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In fact, it’s so
awesome that Taoism considers cunnilingus a revered and spiritual practice. (Is
it too late for me to convert?) It believes that partaking of women’s juices from
the “peak of the purple mushroom” (the mons veneris) is great medicine,
contributing to longevity. Well, that certainly explains “kneeling at the
altar.” Line up, Lovers! I’m going to help you live a long life!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH04rX2Zu8wAeUBm1FLUgX4rYJicpO1bm6k215qpbtRN7KKcZi0sI2t-L1GpUuZVjTvwc8nWFqlVGIJgMjfRP_gnEzctlyyg2h2R0RXdmIzaTawS9LpXZa8VfXeBmb5yR_xin12bR24gQS/s1600/wet_beaver_happy_beaver_oval_decal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH04rX2Zu8wAeUBm1FLUgX4rYJicpO1bm6k215qpbtRN7KKcZi0sI2t-L1GpUuZVjTvwc8nWFqlVGIJgMjfRP_gnEzctlyyg2h2R0RXdmIzaTawS9LpXZa8VfXeBmb5yR_xin12bR24gQS/s200/wet_beaver_happy_beaver_oval_decal.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And, for the
record, if you (or your lover) think pussies are dirty, a freshly washed
vulva is </span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt;">way cleaner than the human mouth! So PLEASE no more vulgar cunnilingus expressions. You can “lick the slit” or “growl at the badger” or
“yodel in the canyon of love” but no more tuna references.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt;">And, to add to your
cunnilingus experience, you might want to consider getting your partner the
Snorkel O Vibrating Muff Dive Gear for the holidays. It allows her/him to go
down and stay down! Woo hoo! Click <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Snorkel-Vibrating-Muff-Dive-Gear/dp/B00UK6MNM2/ref=pd_sim_sbs_121_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=51rOkWjxHbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR160%2C160_&refRID=0P8T5YPVGD2Z1B9X8Y2K" target="_blank">HERE</a> to order (no, I haven’t bought stock in
the company but that may not be a bad idea!). You’re welcome!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfdXs5lTZidknVI7XeOzYOJ3EnuDojQCUP-KERHWCoMLIwdJenojgYINFibll_q5I329ctR2cME97E5WdoYTjLX7mXPgS6-32WktJsHFZpM0nK5FCS7iuQIFIZrYCclme7dCans7U_eAeR/s1600/71SHGMCMjgL._SX522_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfdXs5lTZidknVI7XeOzYOJ3EnuDojQCUP-KERHWCoMLIwdJenojgYINFibll_q5I329ctR2cME97E5WdoYTjLX7mXPgS6-32WktJsHFZpM0nK5FCS7iuQIFIZrYCclme7dCans7U_eAeR/s320/71SHGMCMjgL._SX522_.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-65820566777773506782015-11-04T12:02:00.000-06:002015-11-04T12:02:35.299-06:00YES, I'm Thankful!<div class="MsoNormal">
By Tonia<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody,
even one's own relations.”<span class="apple-converted-space"> – Oscar Wilde</span></span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanksgiving is approaching and I’ve been seeing all the 30-day
thankfulness posts on Facebook. While some of them are a bit cheesy, I
certainly subscribe to a gratitude attitude. After all, the best things in life
are free, right? I just don’t understand why I don’t have a bigger savings
account then. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh60AhmNxSJGarun3iKWr5Bh97pNIToEm5l5PfCUvcz2L-GPmssyAksyh7bJisna02Orf0swkOevZFuwU9K-TmEAAsrxJZkDtzFMtzcWPkyOqZ2F-COeDP33rqiIJbPiSNzdmpH0Zn6DvYk/s1600/be-thankful_o_951255.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh60AhmNxSJGarun3iKWr5Bh97pNIToEm5l5PfCUvcz2L-GPmssyAksyh7bJisna02Orf0swkOevZFuwU9K-TmEAAsrxJZkDtzFMtzcWPkyOqZ2F-COeDP33rqiIJbPiSNzdmpH0Zn6DvYk/s200/be-thankful_o_951255.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve also seen the meme that says to be thankful that
spiders can’t fly. But, personally, I’m glad cows can’t fly. Bird shit on my
car is bad enough. But I digress…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the history of Thanksgiving, only half of the Mayflower pilgrims survived, so I guess Thanksgiving is really a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Holy Shit – I’m Happy to Be Alive Day</i>. I
can get behind that. Despite my complaints about aging, it’s better than the
alternative. So here’s my thankfulness list.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am thankful that –<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- I don’t get what I deserve<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- I’m not a turkey ….. at least not literally<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- At this age, my farts are still just farts ….. nothing
extra<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- I’ve peed before I’ve laughed ….. it saves laundry<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- Anna wouldn’t let me trim my bangs after 4 Margaritas the
other night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- Sex is free ….. usually<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- Science has discovered sex is good for the brain ….. I
need the neuron growth!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- Viagra is available for my sex partners ….. even if some
of them put it in Pez dispensers! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- Among all the sex scandals in the media this year, my
name wasn’t mentioned<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-- I have wonderful family and friends…..some even with benefits<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, if you’re having a girlfriends’ get together before
Thanksgiving, serve Pumpkin Martinis and brainstorm ideas for creating a
THANKSGIVING BINGO CARD for Thanksgiving Day (i.e. “Someone talking shit about
another family member in the other room” or “A sibling rivalry moment among
adults” or “Someone gets drunk,” etc).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pumpkin Martini<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mix the
following ingredients in a martini shaker filled with ice:</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYdcFXk6zYWr5HR-B2EbKOtmwGFNazyKLkt56o58obAkokm1Zagw8qovD8AK-5hdeT_X-GvMejJkKRoMms7el2UGlbBa4J0Y3OtVB8xrAOkocNA4OGmOf7pufj99Tbp1PYV4GswYTnFNXH/s1600/Pumpkin-Tini..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYdcFXk6zYWr5HR-B2EbKOtmwGFNazyKLkt56o58obAkokm1Zagw8qovD8AK-5hdeT_X-GvMejJkKRoMms7el2UGlbBa4J0Y3OtVB8xrAOkocNA4OGmOf7pufj99Tbp1PYV4GswYTnFNXH/s200/Pumpkin-Tini..jpg" width="151" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3 TBSP
vodka<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2 TBSP
half and half<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 TBSP
canned pumpkin puree<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 TBSP
maple syrup<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">¼ tsp
vanilla extract<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shake (DUH!).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you
like a rimmer, mix sugar and pumpkin pie spice on a plate. Wet the rim of a
cold martini glass and dip it in the sugar and pumpkin pie mix.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #383838; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or add a
bit of whipped cream on top! Cheers!</span></span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; mso-bidi-font-family: "Lucida Grande"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-69936366393462185462015-10-27T10:41:00.000-05:002020-01-01T11:17:47.205-06:00Datesasterous<div class="MsoNormal">
By Tonia<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "times";">“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.”<span class="apple-converted-space"> – Rita
Rudner</span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #181818; font-family: "times"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: "times";"><span class="apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFZLAiMm8hh0bf1leUw2CrfAnX0pV8ApHHoddB65Dz9nhNjsHDZW4mJgjaiCdRYw_Z-YlglAw3LjIu4HAi_qRt0uOTJpNVFbo8P8fu1n5PBR7YaKro606hRercnLJgS-CRcOey02_yhSTM/s1600/blind-date-jitters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFZLAiMm8hh0bf1leUw2CrfAnX0pV8ApHHoddB65Dz9nhNjsHDZW4mJgjaiCdRYw_Z-YlglAw3LjIu4HAi_qRt0uOTJpNVFbo8P8fu1n5PBR7YaKro606hRercnLJgS-CRcOey02_yhSTM/s200/blind-date-jitters.jpg" width="198" /></a>Well, I’m back on the market – yep, the online dating
market/arcade/<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bazaar</i></b>. And it’s no coincidence that ‘dating’ rhymes with
‘hating.’ If it weren’t for the great dating stories I get to tell afterwards I’d
probably give it up. But my girlfriends expect to be entertained - they love
hearing how I’ve wasted yet another hour of my life in some idiotic
meet-and-greet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So let me tell you about two different first dates I
recently had. I’ve learned over the years to plan these things at coffee shops.
Some people think this is for safety reasons – but it’s actually for the extra caffeine I usually need.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieRnwK4HRUcu_cG-a_6wTVY2nXgGVy8dk8TpItBWi6dW0KCBpWJDGQZdmolpW12eApifUqbYAQ1wZZwEKxHxZ2NKBMaVOrtWSjcXs_R8wrSZ92YuWDnDozW_0rByyMefrCbzWDyerXlQmf/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieRnwK4HRUcu_cG-a_6wTVY2nXgGVy8dk8TpItBWi6dW0KCBpWJDGQZdmolpW12eApifUqbYAQ1wZZwEKxHxZ2NKBMaVOrtWSjcXs_R8wrSZ92YuWDnDozW_0rByyMefrCbzWDyerXlQmf/s200/unnamed.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First Date #1 could hardly introduce himself before starting
a caustic and relentless rampage about the evils of suburbanization and
car-dependency. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is how you’re
flirting with me? </i>He had some kind of grudge against modernity and told me
how big cities were doomed to collapse. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I
may be doomed to collapse during this date!</i> Every time I tried to change
the subject he took me back to the impending Dark Ages. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is there no light at the end of this date? </i>“Call me,” he said as we
parted – but that would be like staying in touch with my kidnappers after they
let me go….<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First Date #2 at least waited 5-10 minutes before divulging
his complete medical history and recent bout with Diverticulitis. I got a
detailed report of his surgeries and stay in ICU – complete with a description
of his open surgical site and his current problems with a hernia. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is this guy hoping for sympathy sex?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if that wasn’t enough medical information
he continued to tell me about his multiple sports injuries. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This date is more torturous than being
flogged at a BDSM Club – and not nearly as kinky or fun.</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I needed more than coffee here – I needed
antacids. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe I need to give up the online dating and go back to
traditional dating – you know, picking up guys in bars!</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So I really do need a girlfriends’ get together…..with
alcohol. Who’s buying?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-41633339366662873832015-10-10T17:33:00.000-05:002015-10-10T17:33:04.234-05:00My Footnote about Football<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Football combines the
two worst things about America: violence punctuated by committee meetings.” –
George F. Will<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3vBChFzr5f-2IVTHGnoiRudTBcLJkdwsUS0woV86446uv7CEB6-_i587OCKNbabl_X-GQT86sQtHRcetx96oK-_va65U1hk3w_J_xW1UY_wA6a4hmZvl_CV3eMAWBTnWYnWKILlPMD7o/s1600/anti_football_humor_sticker-race776da213f4961b9bc6af9db6cdfd1_v9wf3_8byvr_324.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3vBChFzr5f-2IVTHGnoiRudTBcLJkdwsUS0woV86446uv7CEB6-_i587OCKNbabl_X-GQT86sQtHRcetx96oK-_va65U1hk3w_J_xW1UY_wA6a4hmZvl_CV3eMAWBTnWYnWKILlPMD7o/s200/anti_football_humor_sticker-race776da213f4961b9bc6af9db6cdfd1_v9wf3_8byvr_324.jpg" width="200" /></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ugh.
It’s football season - professional football, college football, high school
football, pee wee football, prenatal football (OK…..maybe I went too far).
There’s Sunday nights, Monday nights, Thursday nights, Thanksgiving, Christmas,
New Years and all of January – and, of course, the motherload of football, the
Super Bowl. I know that there are women who like football but, frankly, I would
prefer the zombie apocalypse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">How
is it that a 60 minute game can take over 3 hours??? And, </span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">if running and passing are
the primary ways to advance the ball, why is it called FOOTball?? And why do
tackles look more like collisions? Maybe I’d like football more
if the players wore Chippendales outfits as uniforms and danced the ball to the goal line.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
looked up the history of football (can always find humor in history!) and discovered
that when the snap was first introduced players were allowed to </span><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">hold on to the ball
indefinitely. In a game between Yale-Princeton each team held the ball for an
entire half, resulting in a 0-0 tie. Needless to say, spectators were NOT
happy. Reminds me of the kind of action I get on some of my dates. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQlj0FM31lm7lKJ_yN4iz6Scp4uHKs-jP93f-D9Bzp4LuPSNUWRqdPr2p9yv4QYFTkMfHWtTItWFXWzUnS59uu5iU5mqgOJmnWgrjXle2ozgTP-I-0DNTzHAQyw4WNOs53kbI8ehAsSDIY/s1600/url.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQlj0FM31lm7lKJ_yN4iz6Scp4uHKs-jP93f-D9Bzp4LuPSNUWRqdPr2p9yv4QYFTkMfHWtTItWFXWzUnS59uu5iU5mqgOJmnWgrjXle2ozgTP-I-0DNTzHAQyw4WNOs53kbI8ehAsSDIY/s200/url.jpg" width="164" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So here
are some things I would rather do than watch football –<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">--
Rearrange the items in my frig in alphabetical order<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- Pluck
the hair from my armpit<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- Clean
out the 3 years of clogged hair from the bathtub drain <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- Pick
up the mountains of dog poop in the back yard<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- Complete
FAFSA forms for all of my granddaughter’s senior class<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #252525; font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So if
you and your girlfriends are avoiding football, have an anti-football party by cheering
for your girlfriends. Decorate with pom-poms. Serve champagne and finger
sandwiches. Dedicate songs to each other. Have each guest write her name and a
goal on a poster board; then have everyone write on each poster why they think
that girlfriend will be successful in accomplishing her goal. And, most of all,
hug – don’t tackle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-61539087678751087772015-09-29T16:30:00.000-05:002015-09-29T16:30:42.825-05:00Unlatched<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Estrofests
is thrilled to host guest blogger, Rachel Reedy. Rachel is a party
thrower/party attender extraordinaire. She is an inspiration to Estrofests as
you’ll see from the many party awards in her bio. </span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px; white-space: pre-wrap;">by Rachel Reedy</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Whoever said ‘there’s no use crying over spilled milk’ obviously never pumped six ounces, then accidentally dumped it.” - Unknown</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After 14 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 9 hours, my son was weaned! He quit the tit! FREEDOM!! Now I can be gone for a whole afternoon ... or a whole day ... even an entire weekend! I'm pretty sure my husband was afraid I might run away. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xS8PoBNY6JdAQyN_1xS5RcFvpfDAEcgzV_o-wZ_9LkXaDHFMapNrmjDzU3yFJvefrSYrY6R8uLzrqwhGGNZYsIz-AaWm38NEP4568zZuWIOYNRTftV_exOJF9Me-IE9ap-yQ1h6L0Mwq/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-xS8PoBNY6JdAQyN_1xS5RcFvpfDAEcgzV_o-wZ_9LkXaDHFMapNrmjDzU3yFJvefrSYrY6R8uLzrqwhGGNZYsIz-AaWm38NEP4568zZuWIOYNRTftV_exOJF9Me-IE9ap-yQ1h6L0Mwq/s200/images.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But instead of running away, I decided breastfeeding deserved a celebration, so I threw myself a girlfriends’ party - "Unlatched: A Weaning Celebration." I wanted to celebrate being able to wear outfits that look good instead of outfits I can pull my boobs out of (and, BTW, what I mean by "look good" is something clean and wearable while chasing a toddler). </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don't have to constantly have a clock running in my head of "he ate at 1:00 and will be hungry in 3 hours so I need to be home by 4:00." I can wear a regular bra with no nursing pads inside. Someone else can put him to bed, so I can actually go somewhere after 8:00 pm! Drinking! I can drink whenever and however much I want! Well, I guess I still need to be a responsible mother, but I don't have to wait to drink that 1 glass of wine right after nursing. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCmXQGDOED8AKWUfW8V6BBvqdDtQ9bCKnTaENzDvhQJrtcH7EpVFR7SKFI5KgkyvhErlTfnrgGRi4JwN110Q2WAQv3_VhXt3m8riBLusi-jG_rfMbf_rDkLN38KQk0LYCF1wDrihE_2jq7/s1600/IMG_2477.webp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCmXQGDOED8AKWUfW8V6BBvqdDtQ9bCKnTaENzDvhQJrtcH7EpVFR7SKFI5KgkyvhErlTfnrgGRi4JwN110Q2WAQv3_VhXt3m8riBLusi-jG_rfMbf_rDkLN38KQk0LYCF1wDrihE_2jq7/s200/IMG_2477.webp" width="150" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For my celebration I invited my girlfriends to brunch since most of my friends are very much still "latched." I handed out goodie bags made out of my unused breast milk storage bags. Each bag had a breast pad and candy inside. What better way to use up the rest of my breastfeeding supplies! At the brunch I toasted my achievement and the support of my friends for not only letting me whip out my boobs in their house, but also for holding a conversation with me while discreetly looking away from my nipple. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I asked my sister how will I know when my milk has dried up. She compared it to blowing up a balloon, letting it go, and after flying around the living room it lands on your chest. Awesome. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While there are things I miss about nursing - especially being able to eat 500 calories of Oreos -</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ll also miss starting the day leisurely nursing and ending the day quietly nursing. I’ll miss having the boob to settle him down if nothing else works. I'm proud of my achievement. I mean I literally grew this person! Me! My body produced the substance to literally grow him into this trotting, screaming, cat tail pulling little person! My sweet husband bought me an unlatched gift. I think a gift should be mandatory for all breastfeeding mothers. If breastfeeding doesn't call for a new electronic tea kettle, I just don't know what does. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm looking forward to being able to see my girlfriends on a more regular basis and in longer intervals and very excited to celebrate when they are finally unlatched! I hope I have started a new tradition among my friends! </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2_4aQNUOSzpwrC8iaxfmB8ZDthzTIRB59YfqVmoVbsGveDCOhewefzYN8jRdqF1fvfYOSofCqVrzHwZZZVVzqX9vb5BQS2PQgvn5f9oiYW9LS747Ti0PRTaIuz9LO-SBYHbcea0bFxmUd/s1600/bra3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2_4aQNUOSzpwrC8iaxfmB8ZDthzTIRB59YfqVmoVbsGveDCOhewefzYN8jRdqF1fvfYOSofCqVrzHwZZZVVzqX9vb5BQS2PQgvn5f9oiYW9LS747Ti0PRTaIuz9LO-SBYHbcea0bFxmUd/s200/bra3.jpg" width="160" /></a></div>
<div class="p1">
Rachel lives for themed parties, costume creations, & relay games. Her favorite costumes include, The Artist, formerly known as Prince, Tonya Harding, Hulk Hogan, and every 80’s outfit! Her awards (of which she is MOST proud) include First Place in <i>Get that Man Off My Back</i> relay race, Best Pirate Name (Captain Hammer Toe), and Champion 80’s hair! In her non-party life Rachel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker & is currently staying home to take care of her 15 month old son. She resides in Houston, TX.</div>
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</span>Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-72475087150887154212015-09-08T18:31:00.001-05:002015-09-09T13:01:05.277-05:00Toast or Roast?<div class="MsoNormal">
By Tonia</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find
someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall
into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.” – Robert Fulghum</span><b><o:p></o:p></b></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I recently attended the wedding of two dear friends. It was
history-making - the first gay wedding performed by a minister in their
denomination. And it was absolutely beautiful - not a dry eye in the place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSuHYk9QX2QI68W0sIL1G-pY2hPpY4OhNXUIkC_CF-8ZRuL1Y7IxHVT0qm2P0CD3APZ1Fa_V2ZmOnPZUwlEM1xByzy4i3qzyIYK6YEXCefMZASD78HEfHvelncQ9JttW4e9yRrbpFEGnE/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTSuHYk9QX2QI68W0sIL1G-pY2hPpY4OhNXUIkC_CF-8ZRuL1Y7IxHVT0qm2P0CD3APZ1Fa_V2ZmOnPZUwlEM1xByzy4i3qzyIYK6YEXCefMZASD78HEfHvelncQ9JttW4e9yRrbpFEGnE/s200/photo.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dagobert (not his real name<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>…. seriously, who has a name like that?) asked me to give a toast at the
reception. This was definitely not one of his smartest decisions. Later he
accused me of doing a roast instead of a toast. Some people are just so damn
sensitive…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I thought I would share it here and let you decide. Toast
or roast?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dagobert and I met 25
yrs ago working at a hospice. It was good to share an office with someone who
wasn’t stiff ….. although Raymond <husband> might disagree. While working there
death seemed better than the loooong, boring interdisciplinary team meetings we
had to attend. I would stick pencils up my nose and he would lean back in his
chair and flick his nipples. Somehow I always got caught but he never did.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5C0vIxRdKmYgHTFEHTnh-TV63no9cf8GK6G4xVsc_PRAt1GDU631P7WSMKS2eM_9I-jaHSHSfgEz2Z51XQXMx-ziIfnShcNg54Ok68VwxicdQzZaHaomdwlfusouEtPYr0d36TemMxibe/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5C0vIxRdKmYgHTFEHTnh-TV63no9cf8GK6G4xVsc_PRAt1GDU631P7WSMKS2eM_9I-jaHSHSfgEz2Z51XQXMx-ziIfnShcNg54Ok68VwxicdQzZaHaomdwlfusouEtPYr0d36TemMxibe/s200/photo.JPG" width="200" /></a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There was also a time
when Dagobert called my practice and, thinking he was talking to me,
opened the conversation with, “Given any good blow jobs lately?” Five
secretaries later, he’s finally learned to ask to whom he is speaking.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over the years we lost
touch, but 4 years ago we found each other again. I was so excited to catch up.
But all Dagobert could talk about was this new guy. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><think nasally whine></span>.</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Raymond this and Raymond that. Geez.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But then I met Raymond.
I instantly recognized in him, as in Dagobert, the same warmth, the same
generosity, the same kindness, the same obnoxious humor …. and, of course, the
same stupid fart jokes. Like one sang to the other, “You are the wind beneath
my sheets.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t know if love
is all you need but, if it is, Dagobert and Raymond are rich beyond measure. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also don’t know what
souls are made of, but theirs are surely made of the same stuff (partly farts, no
doubt). <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So raise your glasses because today love wins. Dagobert and Raymond, may your love feed each other’s souls with
strength, laughter and a lifetime of happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ1e3ibxl6rD7Fjz-eJE7_KWAGzYiB4nR_TTQHx1ROes7plUVBtjfUCF_HF-t2O50-6TKyzsajfJzHbgkafOgc0oNPByzhO1ydmzPzkYZBy63VmSUPqxcbuSIdXYTHn4PqeyJ3aO-d9oHU/s1600/champagne-bottle-vector-50057.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ1e3ibxl6rD7Fjz-eJE7_KWAGzYiB4nR_TTQHx1ROes7plUVBtjfUCF_HF-t2O50-6TKyzsajfJzHbgkafOgc0oNPByzhO1ydmzPzkYZBy63VmSUPqxcbuSIdXYTHn4PqeyJ3aO-d9oHU/s200/champagne-bottle-vector-50057.jpg" width="190" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For your next girlfriends’ get-together, grab a bottle of
champagne and celebrate one another! Create toasts for each other. We all need the laughs and the affirmations! </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-21891509795218051002015-08-28T12:50:00.001-05:002016-05-09T18:29:31.819-05:00Tennis Menace<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">by Tonia</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div id="qt_131584" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." - Mitch Hedberg</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My granddaughter
started taking tennis lessons this summer. Watching her brought back fond
memories of my own tennis attempts in childhood. So I decided – what the hell –
I like raising a racket – I should take it up again. Never mind that I’m 61
years old, uncoordinated and out of shape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqn_wfMUC1Pmkn6oWo_-nmSG-ek7-5k5KKh0_kke6wbZoDU2KkofVI4eLN5EL8avA30ZOcYYEzKFnNeie9ELtJLkjYsM_UMvJxj4Belo8f1Z8rGiE2hMwFunmjou-kaYuFKDcxF0hBnBT_/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="101" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqn_wfMUC1Pmkn6oWo_-nmSG-ek7-5k5KKh0_kke6wbZoDU2KkofVI4eLN5EL8avA30ZOcYYEzKFnNeie9ELtJLkjYsM_UMvJxj4Belo8f1Z8rGiE2hMwFunmjou-kaYuFKDcxF0hBnBT_/s200/photo+1.JPG" width="190" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So, my first
attempt was with Rachel (daughter) who also hasn’t played in years. Her first
words to me were to take it easy - she didn’t want me to fall and break a hip
because she’d have to take care of me the rest of my life. Grrrrrr ….. I raised
brats.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is what
it looked like: both of us chasing balls on our court, on other courts, over
the fence, in the parking lot and down the street. And this is what it sounded
like: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit9DVgyppCJeSP30F7GKy71T9t43KxreSzX7NtPROJXPYB9RDFaAB91GMKjZ78qBtw9lO75pZIPSTkk15bdkQWOPxm7zw-FCYraR7S0TIGVV7p2Z70ghCnyv-W5JXHDiz2u1jSUWFfKLN0/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “F**k!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit9DVgyppCJeSP30F7GKy71T9t43KxreSzX7NtPROJXPYB9RDFaAB91GMKjZ78qBtw9lO75pZIPSTkk15bdkQWOPxm7zw-FCYraR7S0TIGVV7p2Z70ghCnyv-W5JXHDiz2u1jSUWFfKLN0/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit9DVgyppCJeSP30F7GKy71T9t43KxreSzX7NtPROJXPYB9RDFaAB91GMKjZ78qBtw9lO75pZIPSTkk15bdkQWOPxm7zw-FCYraR7S0TIGVV7p2Z70ghCnyv-W5JXHDiz2u1jSUWFfKLN0/s200/photo+4.JPG" width="200" /></span></a><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “S**t!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “God d****t!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Along with:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “Where’s the
ball?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “Just
kidding!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “Was that your
Protect-My-Boobs shot?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-- “Do you do all
your own stunts?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The grandkids
went with us but, after a short time, they both hid in the car - they didn’t want
their friends to see them with us. I didn't come home with tennis elbow – I came
home with tennis body. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My next attempt
was with the boyfriend where Love means nothing. Trying to look cute and sexy, I
ran up on the ball to smack it and *<b>WHACK!</b>* it bounced off my forehead
and took my hat with it. My stupefied look was not …. well …. sexy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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give up just because I should, I have continued to play with some girlfriends
(where looking stupefied is well accepted). The last time we played I ran to
make a shot, knocked over the ball hopper and sent 70 balls into the
neighboring court where GOOD players were playing. Yes, it was epic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "georgia"; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, for some
great exercise, lots of laughs and LOTS of personal growth in frustration
tolerance, take some girlfriends to play tennis. Then go get a drink – or four.</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "georgia"; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "georgia"; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1955304757752725317.post-65482748826524543822015-08-14T11:49:00.001-05:002015-08-14T11:49:52.259-05:00Driving Others Crazy<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">by Tonia</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i>"Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned to swear." - Robert Paul</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">For
the record, </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">just because I’m
sober doesn’t mean I’m a good driver. </span><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My friends
remind me that they exhibit great courage when they ride with me. Recently, as I
was driving with a friend down a mountain, I scraped the passenger’s door on
the barrier that keeps cars from falling off the side of the road. He started
to pale. Then, when we got into town I ran a STOP sign. That imaginary brake on
the passenger's side went right through the floor. Geez. Some people just want
to play it so safe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgBFwt00D2e9NOxL546x630WSuy11qKGb_pqKcLxa-a_PH1KUVAMQcf5fqo-0yF9VKP7GClNGD_fiR3_6QaxdcF1qB04KlvYb1ZTouTSVuni1nXqwtNOO6W-N88MocV7u448M69Nyb1qW/s1600/photo+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtgBFwt00D2e9NOxL546x630WSuy11qKGb_pqKcLxa-a_PH1KUVAMQcf5fqo-0yF9VKP7GClNGD_fiR3_6QaxdcF1qB04KlvYb1ZTouTSVuni1nXqwtNOO6W-N88MocV7u448M69Nyb1qW/s200/photo+1.JPG" width="145" /></a><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A few
months ago the boyfriend was following me in his car since he was unfamiliar
with the area. I forgot which side of the road my exit was on and crossed three
lanes of traffic in a single lane change. I thought this was a terrific feat ….
except …. I. Lost. The. Boyfriend. Oops! Should have tried that with the ex!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes
people do honk at me – but since my bumper sticker says, “Honk if you’re
horny,” I’m never really sure if I’m getting hit on or if someone almost got hit.
Maybe I need a new bumper sticker. Do any of these work?</span><br />
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWrU1X9Ob8-tuety8cNYhOu01dlZ4ihVsrinJpqktQ1rzSubc896Wefzfm9GqK7E2wLyX-zDpLHyW0IPKBeAXFyG2tw6ulgicd0tM9NGm0P36pABa_FxTXL2fJ8D6Q02rseIH06kwx3bdh/s1600/photo+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWrU1X9Ob8-tuety8cNYhOu01dlZ4ihVsrinJpqktQ1rzSubc896Wefzfm9GqK7E2wLyX-zDpLHyW0IPKBeAXFyG2tw6ulgicd0tM9NGm0P36pABa_FxTXL2fJ8D6Q02rseIH06kwx3bdh/s200/photo+3.JPG" width="145" /></a></div>
<span style="text-align: center;">--
“Friends don’t let friends ride with me”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">--
“Don’t blame me; the dog is learning to drive”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">--
”If you think my driving is bad, you should see me dance”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">--
“My bumper has been around ….. around a rock ….. around a tree ….. around a
fence post” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">--
“Sure, the cassis has a few dents and dings, but so does the car”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I really
should give some consideration to safer driving. It’s starting to cost me. This
summer I ripped the bottom off of my little Prius – TWICE! And had to pay for
it. Guess a Prius isn’t a jeep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">For
your next girlfriends’ get-together, try this cocktail. It’s one of Anna’s
creations and we’re calling it the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ambulance
Chaser.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5BzTfQA-O6M-HAYKaqs76wYqThyVVLmnaYmTKVpv40qR6i_-m0e_JQlgG0EjMJLOugFkN21XvmyQ17s6NmpTDV21tJ6H198irQfQIMG70j4fRy6mpZbNc5YQfvNMUJVeMbnvP7WBiyk9p/s1600/IMG_1141.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5BzTfQA-O6M-HAYKaqs76wYqThyVVLmnaYmTKVpv40qR6i_-m0e_JQlgG0EjMJLOugFkN21XvmyQ17s6NmpTDV21tJ6H198irQfQIMG70j4fRy6mpZbNc5YQfvNMUJVeMbnvP7WBiyk9p/s200/IMG_1141.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ambulance Chaser<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2 oz
vodka<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4 oz
t-Up<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">½
tsp. ginger<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">OPTIONAL:
¼ tsp chopped jalapeno</span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Shake
and serve over ice<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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Toniahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13391691628036042087noreply@blogger.com0