Footnotes

by Tonia

"When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands." - George Carlin

Recently I attended my 40 year high school reunion - yes, <groan> I’m old. After all the dieting, Botox and shopping for just the right outfit, I thought I was all ready to go …. until …. the night before .... when I noticed my feet. Holy Shit! I had added an inch to my height from all the dead skin build up.

I couldn’t go to my reunion with scare-small-children-ugly feet! What if I got lucky and managed to get laid by some old boyfriend? My feet would scrape the skin right off his legs.

I know. I know. Its all a part of aging - like chin hair and vaginal atrophy. But, by golly, I was going to fight it! Drastic situations called for drastic measures. I had just read about the scalpel facial (actually called derma planing) so I decided I could shave the dead skin off my feet with a razor.

To my credit, I DID use a clean disposable razor .... but that was the last sane decision in this escapade. I shaved with obsessive enthusiasm. OOPS! Some intense redness …. OOPS! A bleeding cut ….

The following conversation ensued between my feet and me –

FEET – “Are you out of your fucking mind? You’re never supposed to shave foot skin.”

ME – <trying to think on my feet> “Oh, don’t be such babies.”

FEET – “Babies? BABIES? Who drags your ass around all day? And in HIGH HEELS?”

ME – “I guess this means I’ll be dragging my feet at the reunion?”

FEET – “You’re a heel.”

I walked like a 90 year old woman the entire reunion week-end. AND no one hot-footed it into my bed to feel my smooth but battered feet. Damn. Oh well.

For your next girlfriend’s get-together have a foot spa party with foot baths for each guest (but keep the razors away). Use customized baths that plug in and heat up (purchased at department stores) or create baths by using small plastic basins. Add oils such as lavender and mint to the water. 

And, for fun, make some of these cute chocolate and peanut butter foot candies. Simply buy the mold, melt the candy (I like the microwaveable kind), and pour into the mold. Stick it in the freezer for a couple of minutes and then pop them out! Voila!