Nov 18, 2015

Enjoy the Trip Down South

Posted by Tonia at Wednesday, November 18, 2015 1 comments
by Tonia

Always the scientist, I ran across some research recently that suggests cunnilingus may be an evolutionary adaptation used by men to prevent infidelity. Meditate on that for a moment…..

Does that mean a va-jay-jay is like food - if you lick it, no one else wants to eat it?

Or maybe it’s as simple as the fact that his head cock-blocks the entrance.

Or maybe it’s cuz if you really know how to pleasure me, I don’t want to go anywhere else!

So I’ve been pondering cunnilingus. And I want to give some lip service to this important genitalese. Yes, I’ll be your cunning linguist.
While some partners go south simply to ingratiate themselves (like helping move furniture or programming the DVR), anyone who’s going to earn a diving certificate from me needs to show some enthusiasm for the pussy! This shouldn’t be a perfunctory task, boys. It should be a celebration! You’re getting up close and personal to the Area 51 of my body! And it’s awesome!

In fact, it’s so awesome that Taoism considers cunnilingus a revered and spiritual practice. (Is it too late for me to convert?) It believes that partaking of women’s juices from the “peak of the purple mushroom” (the mons veneris) is great medicine, contributing to longevity. Well, that certainly explains “kneeling at the altar.” Line up, Lovers! I’m going to help you live a long life!

And, for the record, if you (or your lover) think pussies are dirty, a freshly washed vulva is way cleaner than the human mouth! So PLEASE no more vulgar cunnilingus expressions. You can “lick the slit” or “growl at the badger” or “yodel in the canyon of love” but no more tuna references.

And, to add to your cunnilingus experience, you might want to consider getting your partner the Snorkel O Vibrating Muff Dive Gear for the holidays. It allows her/him to go down and stay down! Woo hoo! Click HERE to order (no, I haven’t bought stock in the company but that may not be a bad idea!). You’re welcome!

Nov 4, 2015

YES, I'm Thankful!

Posted by Tonia at Wednesday, November 04, 2015 1 comments
By Tonia

“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.” – Oscar Wilde

Thanksgiving is approaching and I’ve been seeing all the 30-day thankfulness posts on Facebook. While some of them are a bit cheesy, I certainly subscribe to a gratitude attitude. After all, the best things in life are free, right? I just don’t understand why I don’t have a bigger savings account then.

I’ve also seen the meme that says to be thankful that spiders can’t fly. But, personally, I’m glad cows can’t fly. Bird shit on my car is bad enough. But I digress…

In the history of Thanksgiving, only half of the Mayflower pilgrims survived, so I guess Thanksgiving is really a Holy Shit – I’m Happy to Be Alive Day. I can get behind that. Despite my complaints about aging, it’s better than the alternative. So here’s my thankfulness list.
I am thankful that –

-- I don’t get what I deserve
-- I’m not a turkey ….. at least not literally
-- At this age, my farts are still just farts ….. nothing extra
-- I’ve peed before I’ve laughed ….. it saves laundry
-- Anna wouldn’t let me trim my bangs after 4 Margaritas the other night
-- Sex is free ….. usually
-- Science has discovered sex is good for the brain ….. I need the neuron growth!
-- Viagra is available for my sex partners ….. even if some of them put it in Pez dispensers!
-- Among all the sex scandals in the media this year, my name wasn’t mentioned
-- I have wonderful family and friends…..some even with benefits

So, if you’re having a girlfriends’ get together before Thanksgiving, serve Pumpkin Martinis and brainstorm ideas for creating a THANKSGIVING BINGO CARD for Thanksgiving Day (i.e. “Someone talking shit about another family member in the other room” or “A sibling rivalry moment among adults” or “Someone gets drunk,” etc).

Pumpkin Martini

Mix the following ingredients in a martini shaker filled with ice:

3 TBSP vodka
2 TBSP half and half
1 TBSP canned pumpkin puree
1 TBSP maple syrup
¼ tsp vanilla extract

Shake (DUH!).
If you like a rimmer, mix sugar and pumpkin pie spice on a plate. Wet the rim of a cold martini glass and dip it in the sugar and pumpkin pie mix.

Or add a bit of whipped cream on top! Cheers!

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