Jul 30, 2011

Getting Off My Ass

Posted by Tonia at Saturday, July 30, 2011 6 comments
By Tonia

I don’t understand why people drive to the gym simply to get on a treadmill. Do they need the bars to hold on to while they walk? Are they afraid wild animals will attack them if they step outside? Maybe they just want to be close to a defibrillator….

I recently decided I needed to get into shape so I signed up for a yoga class – well, I thought it was yoga. Turned out to be NIA – which is a blend of martial arts, dance, and yoga. Being a person who is exceedingly thankful for the ability to simply walk without falling, this was going to be a challenge – not unlike the horrors of high school gym class where only the written test enabled me to pass.

I was hoping to find an exercise partner. Unfortunately Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt have unlisted numbers.

The first thing I noticed when I arrived alone was that my 25 year old denim shorts and t-shirt looked like an outfit from a White Trash Bash. Everyone had on beautiful, flowing NIA outfits or cute, tight, little exercise clothes. I wouldn't have looked more out of place if I had come dressed in a pumpkin costume and Wonder Woman boots with tampons sticking out of my ears. I should have left in shame but was warmly welcomed by just about everyone.

So, after being greeted on that first traumatic day, I snuck to the back of the class (thank God there was still room) to avoid observation and that damn mirror-on-steroids. But, wouldn’t you know it, the instructor lead the class in a turn so I was then in the front! At least two steps behind, I pigeon-toed my way through the routine with utter bafflement across my sweating, beet-red face doing some kind of jerking, whirling, downward facing dog at the fire hydrant. In fact, if you saw that episode in Seinfeld where Elaine danced, that would be elegant compared to this.

But I’ve continued to go back. For some people practice makes perfect. For me practice makes….well….repetition. But I do feel better and I actually think I’m more balanced – which may ultimately give me more confidence about doing that walking thing without falling.

So, for your next girlfriends’ party, consider some kind of dance or exercise activity. Get a DVD or ask someone to lead. I highly recommend NIA if you don’t know which kind of movement you might be interested in. Check it out at http://nianow.com/

Jul 24, 2011

Flying High

Posted by Tonia at Sunday, July 24, 2011 5 comments
By Tonia
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell 
I have a friend who is anxious about flying. On our last trip together she asked the flight attendant to remind the pilot to set the wing flaps. I’m sure her reminder saved our lives. I had to buy her three drinks to calm her down.
Personally I’m not afraid of flying. I’ve been fortunate enough to keep my number of landings equal to my number of take-offs. Flying actually seems safer to me than sex.
I’m more freaked out about getting through security than I am about flying. Worried that I wore thread-bare socks; worried that my pants will hit the ground when I take my belt off; worried that my laptop has run off ahead of me and is looking for a new owner. One time I got so flustered I forgot to zip up my carry-on and sent everything in it on its own air-borne trip across security. Thank God I packed my dildo in the checked luggage….
Once I’m on the plane I’m happy. But I do wonder about some of things flight attendants say. For example, when the flight attendant describes how to use a seat cushion as a flotation device, I wonder if this will be complimentary – or if I am going to be charged extra for it. Or when s/he announces that “In case of emergency keep the oxygen going until a uniformed flight attendant tells you its safe,” I want to know: are there naked flight attendants? Damn, I am on the wrong flight.
And the Sky Mall. OMG. Ya gotta’ love senseless, overpriced, mile high shopping. An Armadillo Beer Can Holder that shits peanuts? Hmm…maybe my son-in-law would like that. Or the All Day Gel Seat – a great gift for someone who is sitting on his ass too much. And the Pillow Tie – for your loved one who must attend those long, boring corporate meetings. 
So, if you have a girlfriend who is moving or is going on a fabulous vacation, consider a Bon Voyage Party. Party ideas:
(1) Invitations can be made to look like boarding passes.
(2) Food, decorations, etc. should be based on the guest of honor’s destination. As background music be sure to include Leaving on a Jet Plane.
(3) Prior to the party provide a small index card to each of the guests and ask them to give opinions/advice about the guest of honor’s destination. For example, if she is going to NYC someone might write, “Be sure your car horn is working well. You’re going to need it!” Or, if she is going to Italy, “Be sure to take a language class in gestures before you leave.” Collect these and assemble them inside of a “passport.” Create the “passport” by making a color copy of the front of a real passport and add a humorous picture of your friend on the inside. Give this to the guest of honor.
(4) Play The Packing Pain Relay. Divide guests into two teams. Each team will be provided a small suitcase and several items that will go inside the suitcase (clothing articles, toothbrush, make-up, shoes, hairbrush, etc.) Prior to the party, however, the hostess will need to tape a penny inside one of the clothing articles so that it is not visible.
Place the items and suitcases several feet away from the teams. Open the suitcases but leave the items scattered around the suitcase. After the hostess says “GO,” one player from each team run to the suitcase and place one item NEATLY inside the suitcase. Then she runs back to her team to tag the next player who does the same. After the last item is placed NEATLY inside the suitcase and the player returns to the team to tag the next team member, the last player (although players may have to go more than one time) must run to suitcase, find the penny for security and place ALL the items back into the suitcase and zip it up. The first team to accomplish this wins.

Jul 19, 2011

The Wench is a Pirate

Posted by Tonia at Tuesday, July 19, 2011 1 comments
By Tonia

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides the other night. Sigh. Even with gold teeth and dirty fingernails, Johnny Depp is still totally popular in my bed….I mean, in my book.

Even found a website where I could make a baby with him. Here’s what Johnny’s and my baby looks like:


This is probably the only baby I’ll ever make with him given that I’m post-menopausal ….. well, and the fact that it’s a little hard to meet him.

So the movie got me thinking about women pirates.

Lady Mary Killigrew of Cornwall grew up in a family of notorious pirates and led the seizing of a Spanish ship; Charlotte de Berry, pretended to be a man and fought for the Royal Navy along side her husband but later turned to piracy after her husband was killed; Loi Chai-san was known as the Queen of the Macao Pirates and was famous for her raiding and kidnapping. She forbid the pirates on her ship to speak to her directly or to enter her cabin. Now there’s a woman with some power.

You gotta’ love women who can disregard societal norms and live a life of total freedom. Or maybe that’s just me.

So consider a girlfriends’ pirates party. September is actually a great time to do this since September 19th is the official Talk Like a Pirate Day. Decorate your house with nets, coins, ropes, and treasure chests. Paint several styrofoam coolers brown and place brass brads around the sides to look like treasure chests. Then fill with ice and beer. For entertainment, try these games (compliments of Christina, who throws this party annually):

Peg Leg Race
Have participants find a partner. Tie one leg of each partner together for a 3 legged peg leg race to the finish line. 

Pirate Dare or Dare
On index cards write down various pirate dares that participants can read and act on. Here are some suggestions:

1. Pick a skallywag in the group and parrot everything she does or says for the next 5 minutes.
2. Spell yar pirate name with yar booty.
3. Do yar best booty dance.
4. Pick a lass and sing a pirate song together (“Yo ho, yo ho, the pirate life for me...” etc.)
5. Do yar best impression of a barnacle.
6. Look a wench’s boobies and say, “Ahoy Maties.”
7. Put a piece of ice down yar pants and say, “Shiver me timbers!”
8. Take a shot of rum
9. Using only a hook, feed yarself.
10. Pick a sprog (untrained pirate recruit) and give ‘er all yar coin money.

Jul 17, 2011

Toadly Disgusting

Posted by Tonia at Sunday, July 17, 2011 0 comments
By Rachel

According to “experts,” classroom pets teach children responsibility and empathy – and, for some children, pets serve as a friend. Blah, blah, blah…

Well, in one of my delusional states (no other explanation), I offered to keep the classroom pet while the teacher was on vacation for two weeks this summer. It happened at the year-end party. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear her asking for a volunteer but I inadvertently made eye contact and she repeated the request. So, I was stuck with Fire Belly Toads for 2 weeks. My daughter was thrilled!

The teacher nonchalantly mentioned she was out of food so I volunteered get some. Went to the pet store to buy pellets or flakes…. or whatever the hell it is that they eat. After stalking and capturing a store employee I told him I couldn’t find the pellets for Fire Belly Toads. He informed me that they eat live crickets. Now I pay good money to have an exterminator keep bugs out of my house and now I’m purposefully bringing them in?! I told the cashier to double knot the bag as I have a bug phobia.

My husband called and said he had to work late so it would be the kids and me serving crickets to the Fire Belly Toad. I put the cage and box of crickets in the bathroom and went to look for a net or some gadget so I wouldn't have to touch anything. Then I heard my kids screaming like banshees so I charged back to the bathroom. Turns out my 3 year old had opened the box and freed the crickets. Those suckers were EVERYWHERE!!

Did I mention that I have a bug phobia? I imagined them in my hair and all over my body. Couldn't breath. I began to experience an involuntary gag reflex. I almost called 911 but called my husband instead - told him there was an emergency at home. He laughed and refused to come. I told him that if he didn’t come home right that minute I’d be serving him crickets in his next meal. He wisely came home and spent the next 2 hours spraying every inch of the house. I bribed the neighbor kid to keep and feed the toads for the next two weeks.

Make these cute and easy Frog/Toad cupcakes the next time you get together with girlfriends and are talking about the “toads” in your lives…or are hopping into a new venture…

Frog/Toad Cupcakes
1 (18.25 ounce) package chocolate cake mix
1 (16 ounce) can prepared vanilla frosting
6 drips green food coloring, or as needed
¼ cup green decorator sugar
12 large marshmallows
Wilton Black Decorating Gel
Wilton Red Decorating Gel

Bake cupcakes according to the directions on the package. Allow them to cool completely. Mix the frosting with green food coloring. Frost the cupcakes and then sprinkle the green sugar over the tops. Cut the marshmallows in half (width to width) to make two circles. Dip half of each marshmallow into water and then dip it into the green sugar to make the eye lids. Place on the cupcakes using a little icing to secure into place. Use a small amount of icing to glue a chocolate chip into the center of each eye for the pupil. Use the Wilton Black Decorating Gel to draw the smiling mouths and the Wilton Red Decorating Gel to make the red tongues.
NOTE: My daughter helped decorate the cupcakes. She said she wanted to make them look like they were eating crickets. I told her we wanted people to want to eat them not hurl on them.

Jul 11, 2011

Witchy Womyn

Posted by Tonia at Monday, July 11, 2011 3 comments
Estrofests is thrilled to have guest blogger, Eliza Fayle, this week – especially as she kicks off her newly published Developing Our Intuitive Self. Read more about Eliza and her guide.

“Women are angels And when someone breaks our wings,
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick.
We're flexible like that.” - Anon

By Eliza Fayle

Conjure up an image of a Tarot card reader. What comes to mind? A beautiful dark woman at the back of a voodoo shop greeting you with a slightly ominous c'om in chil'? A silk scarf draped gypsy wrapping her long beringed fingers around a crystal ball? A shriveled old crone with missing teeth?

Whoa! Back the Hollywood bus up.

Tarot cards are simply tools for tapping into your innate intuition. That's it, that's all. No mystery, no special powers required, and certainly no doom and gloom predications. They are merely a tool - and a simple one at that.

I read my own cards all the time, but sometimes if one intuitive head is good, two intuitive heads are better. I have a soul sister, let’s call her Jill, um, because that is her name. We work in the same building, so at any given moment one of us can put out a distress call.

CARDS!

This means we drop whatever we are doing. Yes, even work, because a soul sister in trouble is top priority. Every woman knows that. We meet in a boardroom, and Jill pulls out her oracle cards.

Whoever is in distress starts on a rant while shuffling and selecting the cards with her eyes closed. For the sake of argument, we'll say that Jill is in distress. After all, I'm holding the pen on this story, so I get to decide who is trouble.

As Jill is selecting her cards, I am making annoying statements like "Oooohhhh, that's a good one!" or "Bwhahahahahaha, you are going to hate that one!" For the record, Jill hates the black cards and I do not think she is all that fond of the green ones either. They are the 'bad boys' of her oracle cards.

The cards are turned over to reveal their story, and Jill starts interpreting them. I watch, trying my utmost to be quiet, because I am bursting with insight that Jill, in her distress, cannot see. Finally she shuts up ... um, is done ... and it's my turn.

I start off with "Well, you know ..." and then I move onto to telling her exactly what she didn't want to hear.

"Shut uuuuuppppp!" she says with a rueful smile. "I hate it when you and the cards are right."

Actually, she already had the answer. Just as I always have the answers when we read my cards. Just as you have the answers! To every single challenge in your life. It's all there inside all of us in the form of our intuition. Tarot and oracle cards are designed to help focus our energy and attention on our intuition - bringing the answers up to the surface.

So go ahead. Buy yourself a deck. You will know which one to buy when you see it on the store shelf. It will call to you. Then sit down with a cup of tea and play with the cards. The more you work with them, the more you will get from them.

Have fun with it! Then invite a friend over to help you. Or invite over a whole gaggle of girlfriends for an Estrofest Party to read each other's cards. After all, soul sisters will tell you exactly what you need to hear ... whether you like it or not.

Estrofests LOVES the idea of a “Witchy Woman” party. Hang beaded curtains and zodiac signs; set out candles and lava lamps; use dry ice to put off mysterious vapors; dress in gypsy-type garb and ….. use Eliza’s guide to find out more about what the cards (and your own intuition) have to say!

Estrofests’ Review of Developing Our Intuitive Self

In a beautifully designed guide, Eliza dispels the myth of cards as fortune-telling devices and illustrates how they can be used for developing self-awareness and enhancing intuition. She gives us the nuts and bolts of how to use the cards but emphasizes that deeper meanings come from within us. Her guide is a wonderful tool to help us examine our blockages, reawaken our dreams, and strengthen our connections. It is for sale (and immediate download as a .pdf file) at http://silverandgrace.com/elizas-books

Eliza Fayle is an international intuitive mentor. She believes that all women can be fun, sexy, intelligent and real. When life gets in the way of these qualities, she  provides women with the skills and tools to get past the negative energy and radiate with positive energy. Join Eliza at Silver & Grace (http://silverandgrace.com/)
and Facebook (http://facebook.com/eliza.fayle).

Jul 8, 2011

Torn About Porn

Posted by Tonia at Friday, July 08, 2011 3 comments

By Tonia

"Do you have any idea what its like when you try to make home porn? My husband and I tried it. We looked like charging hippos. Best to leave it to the pros." -Alisha Tyler

I recently took an interest in pornography. You know, tryin’ to spice things up a bit. It seemed like a better idea than peeking in my neighbors’ windows. I used to think porn was for those creepy male masturbators in raincoats -- but then I found out how many women watch porn - supposedly 50-66% of all adult women watch porn. So I watched some movies on Pay per View and on the internet.

OMG. Someone should have warned me about the hokeyness factor. I couldn’t quit laughing. It was like a freak show on silicone. Not that I was expecting the cinematography of Gone with the Wind – but the lighting, the dialogue, the story lines were as fake as the orgasms. And those poor starlets – they sounded like injured animals. It was about as arousing as the weather channel.
Someone suggested I make my own tape. Awhahahahahahahaha. **catching my breath** Here are the reasons why that’s NOT going to happen:
1. If I stay on my back my boobs are going to disappear; if I get on top my stomach is going to hang. No, sireee, we are NOT making When Hairy Met Saggy.
2. I don’t want to see my face in the middle of an orgasm. All contorted with my mouth gaping open – the agony/ecstasy of le petit morte … or a difficult bowel movement. No making of True Grimace with this middle-aged babe.
3. I also don’t want to hear myself in the middle of an orgasm. No repeats of The Howling, thank you very much.
4. Finally, not sure that after I’m dead my children and grandchildren will appreciate seeing naked Mom/Mimi doing it. In fact, my children have already warned me to mark any such tapes. They've threatened to use my cremains as cat litter if I don’t.
But, why not invite some girlfriends over to laugh at some goofy porn flick? Or have a sexy lingerie party? CLICK HERE for a fun Sex Quiz that we created. And, in keeping with the sex theme, why not fix sugar cookies decorated to look like Thongs Gone Wrong?
(P.S. I’ve not lost porn hope – I actually found some pretty steamy non-hokey porn made for women. To learn more about porn for women, check America’s leading sexologist, Violet Blue’s website HERE)
Tonia’s Special Sugar Cookie Recipe

Go to the grocery store and purchase refrigerated sugar cookie dough.
  
Directions:
  
Roll out the dough 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick on a floured surface. Using a heart shaped cookie cutter, cut into hearts (duh!) and then cut off the points of the hearts. Place cookies on ungreased cookie sheets and bake according to directions. I like using the timer. Otherwise, I have to use the fire extinguisher. Cool completely before icing. 

Tonia’s Special Icing Recipe

While you are at the grocery store purchasing refrigerated sugar cookie dough, pick up different colored icing in those small tubes – you won’t need much. If you want to get really fancy buy some sprinkles as well.
  
Directions:
  
Look at the picture. I think you can figure it out. Be creative!

Jul 5, 2011

Germs on the Run

Posted by Tonia at Tuesday, July 05, 2011
By Tonia

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely." – P.J. O’Rourke

Some women are paranoid about germs – one of my daughters to be exact. I can’t say her name - but her first initial is R (see bio tab).

My own whitey-tidy fairy godmother died from syphilis years ago. Too bad for her but, personally, I like a few germs. I think a little dirt is good for you. And a little clutter. And a little chaos (see my car).

I do like showers, though - I like to turn my back to the showerhead (well, after I’ve directed it between my legs) and hold my arm out so that it looks like the water is shooting out of my fingertips like a Superhero. I just don’t like to overdo the cleanliness thing around me.

I went on a cruise once where there had been a gastrointestinal bug that went around. Extra health precautions were in place - like being hosed down with chlorox every time we reentered the ship. I actually think my hair got lighter. Everything was wrapped in cellophane. It was bizarre. I tried to wrap myself in cellophane but you could still tell that I was naked underneath.

There was absolutely no way in hell that we were going to catch any germs on that ship - not even our own germs. I was worried that my healthy bacteria might not survive. Thank God the chlorox/cellophane alert only lasted a few days - - and we were allowed to touch ourselves - oops, I mean, touch things again.

Girlfriends’ party idea: invite girlfriends over to paint a room or to clean your house before relatives come to visit (at least tell them that). Promise great food and this fabulous Blue Lemon Drop Martini from the Martini Diva. (Don't give them too many, though, if you want to get any work out of them.) Check out the Martini Diva’s website HERE.
 

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