Flying High

By Tonia
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell 

I have a friend who is anxious about flying. On our last trip together she asked the flight attendant to remind the pilot to set the wing flaps. I’m sure her reminder saved our lives. I had to buy her three drinks to calm her down.

Personally I’m not afraid of flying. I’ve been fortunate enough to keep my number of landings equal to my number of take-offs. Flying actually seems safer to me than sex.

I’m more freaked out about getting through security than I am about flying. Worried that I wore thread-bare socks; worried that my pants will hit the ground when I take my belt off; worried that my laptop has run off ahead of me and is looking for a new owner. One time I got so flustered I forgot to zip up my carry-on and sent everything in it on its own air-borne trip across security. Thank God I packed my dildo in the checked luggage….

Once I’m on the plane I’m happy. But I do wonder about some of things flight attendants say. For example, when the flight attendant describes how to use a seat cushion as a flotation device, I wonder if this will be complimentary – or if I am going to be charged extra for it. Or when s/he announces that “In case of emergency keep the oxygen going until a uniformed flight attendant tells you its safe,” I want to know: are there naked flight attendants? Damn, I am on the wrong flight.

And the Sky Mall. OMG. Ya gotta’ love senseless, overpriced, mile high shopping. An Armadillo Beer Can Holder that shits peanuts? Hmm…maybe my son-in-law would like that. Or the All Day Gel Seat – a great gift for someone who is sitting on his ass too much. And the Pillow Tie – for your loved one who must attend those long, boring corporate meetings. 

So, if you have a girlfriend who is moving or is going on a fabulous vacation, consider a Bon Voyage Party. Party ideas:

(1) Invitations can be made to look like boarding passes.

(2) Food, decorations, etc. should be based on the guest of honor’s destination. As background music be sure to include Leaving on a Jet Plane.

(3) Prior to the party provide a small index card to each of the guests and ask them to give opinions/advice about the guest of honor’s destination. For example, if she is going to NYC someone might write, “Be sure your car horn is working well. You’re going to need it!” Or, if she is going to Italy, “Be sure to take a language class in gestures before you leave.” Collect these and assemble them inside of a “passport.” Create the “passport” by making a color copy of the front of a real passport and add a humorous picture of your friend on the inside. Give this to the guest of honor.

(4) Play The Packing Pain Relay. Divide guests into two teams. Each team will be provided a small suitcase and several items that will go inside the suitcase (clothing articles, toothbrush, make-up, shoes, hairbrush, etc.) Prior to the party, however, the hostess will need to tape a penny inside one of the clothing articles so that it is not visible.

Place the items and suitcases several feet away from the teams. Open the suitcases but leave the items scattered around the suitcase. After the hostess says “GO,” one player from each team run to the suitcase and place one item NEATLY inside the suitcase. Then she runs back to her team to tag the next player who does the same. After the last item is placed NEATLY inside the suitcase and the player returns to the team to tag the next team member, the last player (although players may have to go more than one time) must run to suitcase, find the penny for security and place ALL the items back into the suitcase and zip it up. The first team to accomplish this wins.