Jun 26, 2013

Of Fucking and Farting

Posted by Tonia at Wednesday, June 26, 2013 0 comments
By Tonia

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

As an older woman who dates and tries to get laid as frequently as she can find a willing victim….I mean, partner….I have run into yet another problem. It’s not like cellulite, leg cramps, saggy breasts, urinary tract infections and vaginal atrophy aren’t enough. I now fart when I have intercourse. For the record, these are not sweet little vaginal queefs. These are real life, out-your-ass, blow-the-horn farts. 

The first time it happened I was humiliated. Women aren’t supposed to fart (but they DO - approximately 14 times a day - just like men). I hoped my partner would be momentarily confused andthink that an intruder had crept into the room and smashed a giant piece of bubble wrap. Not sure that was his first thought but he did politely ignore the wind flying from my anus.

Most of my partners are clearly familiar with the sound of a fart so I really can't hide them. They KNOW. One partner farted back to make me feel better. Sensitive guy.

I used to pull the pillow over my head and say that I was never having sex again, but no one believed that. I’ve tried telling my partners that farting is just another kind of blow job. Ahhahaha. OK, not funny. I’ve considered sticking a cork in my ass but I’m afraid it could shoot off my partner’s balls (a REAL Ball Buster!). Recently I told a partner that farting is really a high compliment – that I’ve been able to achieve a high degree of anal relaxation with him. He couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. Asshole.

Maybe I just need to find someone with flatulophilia – a flatulence fetish. That way it can be part of our foreplay. I’m wondering - do people state this on an online dating profile?

And FYI for you scholarly types - Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay on farts. He suggested that scientists develop a drug “with the effect of rendering flatulence not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes." Here, here, Benjy! Although excluded from his published works after his death, you can now find this essay in Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, a 1990 collection of Franklin's humorous writings. No need to thank me. Just tell us your experiences with farting in bed.

So whether you break wind, cut the cheese, rip one, wilt flowers, flap cheeks, or simply pass gas, try our chocolate martini at your next girlfriends’ get together. We’re calling it The Relaxed Anus.  Cheers!

The Relaxed Anus

.5 oz. Godiva chocolate cream liqueur
.5 oz. Godiva white chocolate liqueur
1 oz. vanilla vodka
1.5 oz. milk
Sprinkle of cinnamon

Put the liquid ingredients in a shaker. Shake, shake, shake. Pour into a martini glass and sprinkle with cinnamon. This drink definitely registers 4.5 on the Rectum Scale!

Jun 24, 2013

I May Not Be An Expert But.....

Posted by Tonia at Monday, June 24, 2013 0 comments
by Anna

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." - Rita Rudner

I may not be an expert in dating but I do play one on the internet. And, despite my long and mostly unsuccessful dating history, I'm convinced that chivalry should not be dead - although it does need Viagra at times. I’ve learned that when a man is into a woman he will actively pursue her. Period.

Here are some clues that he’s digging YOU and not just digging at your clothes:

-- He used 3 types of lettuce in the salad he prepared for you.
-- He bought you a fabulous bottle of wine instead of jager shots.
-- He compliments you so much that you feel like you’re worthy of a Nobel prize.
-- He wants to meet your friends and family – and its not because he’s selling anything. 

-- He pretends to be interested in your interests. Bonus points for acting skills.

On the other hand, here are some red flags to keep your Dud Dating Ratio down. Let him go if: 
-- He’s at his local bar more nights a week than he's with you. He’s chosen his favorite dive and it’s not your vagina.
-- He doesn't call/text when he says he will. No, he didn't forget; no, your number didn’t blow away in the May tornado. He’s blowing YOU off. 

-- He goes on and on for hours about himself - his job, his band, his fantasy football, his childhood, his ear infection, his Athlete’s Foot…. Send him to On and On Anon.
-- He won't commit. He won't commit to plans for your next date, much less a relationship!

So many communication breakdowns in dating.
 Is it me? Is it you? Are we both commitment phobes?
 Is he too picky? Am I too picky?
 I vote for exit interviews when it comes to parting ways. Get together with your girlfriends and draft some exit interview questions. Guaranteed good time and lots of laughs for all. And sip on these:

Failure to Launch
3 oz freshly squeezed tangerine juice
1.5 oz vodka
1 tsp Cointreau

 Shake it up with ice like Beyonce.

Jun 18, 2013

Sibling Terror

Posted by Tonia at Tuesday, June 18, 2013 0 comments

By Rachel

“Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, "where the heck's the toilet plunger gone?” – Shel Silverstein

My daughter had a performance at her school a few days ago. OMG. Almost on cue, the moment the curtain rose, parents rose - with cameras, cell phones, video recorders, etc. Fewer people get to their feet for the national anthem!

My daughter was on stage trying to hide behind the other kids. I whispered to my husband that I could tell she hadn’t practiced as she didn’t know the words to the songs. I had to repeat this 3 times as he was too busy playing on his new iPhone5. (Who are the kids here??) Well, my 5 year old overheard me and yelled so everyone could hear, “Sis, Mom said you didn’t practice. Why didn’t you practice?” My daughter was horrified. I saw her crouch down and try to hide. Siblings: the only people who pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.

Supposedly sibling relationships are where we learn sharing and cooperation. Really? Not sure how THAT happens! My own memories of sibling drama include my brother telling the neighborhood boys that I had boobs, and my sister tackling me one New Years’ Eve because she had had too much to drink.

My aunt tells a story of how my mother took HER Chatty Cathy doll for a bicycle ride – not her OWN doll, mind you, her SISTER’s doll. Of course she dropped the doll so instead of talking like a sweet girlie doll, she sounded like Darth Vader. I don’t think my aunt has ever recovered.

So, if your kids are driving you crazy with their arguing and competition for attention, leave them with their father (or anyone else you can find) and get together with your girlfriends. Have a couple of our Estro-tinis. They're delish!


2 oz. Pineapple juice
1 oz. Vanilla flavored Vodka      
1 tbsp of Grenadine syrup
Garnish: Cherry

Pour liquid ingredients into a martini shaker full of ice. Shake well and pour into a martini glass. Garnish with a cherry. No need to add estrogen!

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