Of Fucking and Farting

By Tonia

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

As an older woman who dates and tries to get laid as frequently as she can find a willing victim….I mean, partner….I have run into yet another problem. It’s not like cellulite, leg cramps, saggy breasts, urinary tract infections and vaginal atrophy aren’t enough. I now fart when I have intercourse. For the record, these are not sweet little vaginal queefs. These are real life, out-your-ass, blow-the-horn farts. 

The first time it happened I was humiliated. Women aren’t supposed to fart (but they DO - approximately 14 times a day - just like men). I hoped my partner would be momentarily confused andthink that an intruder had crept into the room and smashed a giant piece of bubble wrap. Not sure that was his first thought but he did politely ignore the wind flying from my anus.

Most of my partners are clearly familiar with the sound of a fart so I really can't hide them. They KNOW. One partner farted back to make me feel better. Sensitive guy.

I used to pull the pillow over my head and say that I was never having sex again, but no one believed that. I’ve tried telling my partners that farting is just another kind of blow job. Ahhahaha. OK, not funny. I’ve considered sticking a cork in my ass but I’m afraid it could shoot off my partner’s balls (a REAL Ball Buster!). Recently I told a partner that farting is really a high compliment – that I’ve been able to achieve a high degree of anal relaxation with him. He couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. Asshole.

Maybe I just need to find someone with flatulophilia – a flatulence fetish. That way it can be part of our foreplay. I’m wondering - do people state this on an online dating profile?

And FYI for you scholarly types - Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay on farts. He suggested that scientists develop a drug “with the effect of rendering flatulence not only inoffensive, but agreeable as perfumes." Here, here, Benjy! Although excluded from his published works after his death, you can now find this essay in Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School, a 1990 collection of Franklin's humorous writings. No need to thank me. Just tell us your experiences with farting in bed.

So whether you break wind, cut the cheese, rip one, wilt flowers, flap cheeks, or simply pass gas, try our chocolate martini at your next girlfriends’ get together. We’re calling it The Relaxed Anus.  Cheers!

The Relaxed Anus

.5 oz. Godiva chocolate cream liqueur

.5 oz. Godiva white chocolate liqueur

1 oz. vanilla vodka

1.5 oz. milk

Sprinkle of cinnamon

Put the liquid ingredients in a shaker. Shake, shake, shake. Pour into a martini glass and sprinkle with cinnamon. This drink definitely registers 4.5 on the Rectum Scale!