Holiday Conversations with the Dog

by Tonia

Even though my sister lives with me, she and I have very different work schedules so Remington (aka the Dog) and I spend a lot of time alone together. We have frequent discussions and he often tries to give me advice. He's told me to invest my money in tennis balls; he's given me his critique of the various toilet water at friends' houses; he's even tried to tell me who to date based on their smell. He's mostly right - although I've not confirmed the toilet water thing. Recently we've had several conversations about the holidays.

After the tree was up and decorated…..

Remington: “You bought a tree for me?!! Thank you soooo much! You know how I hate going outside in the cold!”

Me: “Oh, no, no, no, no! This tree is not for peeing.”

Remington: “What kind of worthless tree is THAT?”

Me: “A Christmas tree.”

Remington, wagging his tail near the Christmas tree….

Me: “Don’t wag your tail so close to the tree!”

Remington: “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

Me: “Of course I want you to be happy. I just don’t want you to be happy around the tree.”

Remington: “I can’t believe my own maid is trying to sabotage my happiness.”

Me: “I’m NOT your maid!”

Remington: “I hope to God you’re not going to put those ridiculous reindeer antlers on me again this year.”
Me: “But you look so CUTE in them! And I LOVE to dress you up!”

Remington: “I oughta’ dress YOU up! Maybe I’ll dress you up as a street walker…..oh, wait, that would be your everyday attire.”

Remington: “I think that Christmas is scarier than Halloween.”

Me: “Really? Why?”

Remington: “Because of that fat white guy that stalks us in the front yard and that fat red guy who tries to break in the house through the chimney.”

Me: “That’s Snowman and Santa Claus, goofy!”

Remington: "Maybe Snowman is cool, but I can feel Santa’s presents when he’s in the chimney."  

Me: <groan>

Remington: “Why are you putting up mistletoe? Don’t I greet you with enough kisses?”

Me: “Yes, but I may want to snatch a few human kisses.”
Remington: “It’s so disgusting how you humans suck on each others’ mouths!”

Me: “HEY! We’re not the ones who sniff butts to introduce ourselves!”

Remington: “You need to butt out of that! Get it!? Get it!? God, I sleigh myself…..”

You may not have a talking dog (maybe I forgot to take my medication.....), but you'll  definitely be talking up a storm with your girlfriends this Holiday season after you try the Tipsy Bartender's THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE. It's YUMMY! Check it out HERE.

THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE

Peppermint Schnapps
Creme de Cacao
Cream
Grenadine
7up
Candy Cane

The Mammering Mammogram

by Tonia

"I love my annual mammogram. If I'm drinking, it's like Mardi Gras without the beads!" - Someecard

OK, true confession: I haven’t had a mammogram in 5 years. Bad, bad Tonia. Time flies, ya know? So my doctor threatened if I didn’t get a mammogram she’d discontinue my estrogen prescription. It was like a terrorist threat! No estrogen = vaginal atrophy = painful intercourse = TERROR! Isn’t terrorizing a patient disallowed in the Hippocratic Oath? Geez.

So I made the *^#* appointment. I arrived early and, after filling out paperwork with my entire life story (yawn), I waited for an hour distracting myself with Rash and Hives Quarterly and Boring Health Now. When I FINALLY got called back the technician handed me a cropped-top hospital gown and told me to strip from the waist up. I’m no fashionista but that gown was a major wardrobe malfunction. Anna would NOT be pleased. 

After donning the Gown of Shame, I followed the tech into the Chamber of Torture, hoping for a safe word. But I was pleasantly surprised that the titty-squashing device had a little pink cushion on it! My ta-tas were like special princesses sitting on a little pink cushioned throne – Princess Lefty and Princess Righty. But all my titty royalty fantasies came to an abrupt end as the tech started her boob wrestling.  Getting the little princesses positioned correctly turned out to be a wrestling match. My hooters hadn’t had that kind of maneuvering since jr. high when I used to stuff toilet paper around them to fill out the bra!

After the whole thing was over I asked if there would be any professional retouching of the photos (I wanted to make sure that the princesses look good). But I guess that’s not allowed in medical settings….

So, like a good glass of orange juice, my boobs have now been freshly squeezed and feel quite kneaded. 

For one of your next girlfriends’ get-togethers, have a Booby Squashing Event. Plan all of your mammograms at the same time and go as a group. It’ll make that hour wait go by WAY faster! Afterwards head off to a bar and order a Boob Grabber! If the bartender hasn’t had a recent mammogram, give him the recipe:

Boob Grabber

½ oz. Irish Cream

½ oz. Scotch

Whipped Cream

Mix together with crushed ice, pour into a shot glass and then dot with a tiny blob of whipped cream (for the nipple).