The Mammering Mammogram

by Tonia

"I love my annual mammogram. If I'm drinking, it's like Mardi Gras without the beads!" - Someecard

OK, true confession: I haven’t had a mammogram in 5 years. Bad, bad Tonia. Time flies, ya know? So my doctor threatened if I didn’t get a mammogram she’d discontinue my estrogen prescription. It was like a terrorist threat! No estrogen = vaginal atrophy = painful intercourse = TERROR! Isn’t terrorizing a patient disallowed in the Hippocratic Oath? Geez.

So I made the *^#* appointment. I arrived early and, after filling out paperwork with my entire life story (yawn), I waited for an hour distracting myself with Rash and Hives Quarterly and Boring Health Now. When I FINALLY got called back the technician handed me a cropped-top hospital gown and told me to strip from the waist up. I’m no fashionista but that gown was a major wardrobe malfunction. Anna would NOT be pleased. 

After donning the Gown of Shame, I followed the tech into the Chamber of Torture, hoping for a safe word. But I was pleasantly surprised that the titty-squashing device had a little pink cushion on it! My ta-tas were like special princesses sitting on a little pink cushioned throne – Princess Lefty and Princess Righty. But all my titty royalty fantasies came to an abrupt end as the tech started her boob wrestling.  Getting the little princesses positioned correctly turned out to be a wrestling match. My hooters hadn’t had that kind of maneuvering since jr. high when I used to stuff toilet paper around them to fill out the bra!

After the whole thing was over I asked if there would be any professional retouching of the photos (I wanted to make sure that the princesses look good). But I guess that’s not allowed in medical settings….

So, like a good glass of orange juice, my boobs have now been freshly squeezed and feel quite kneaded. 

For one of your next girlfriends’ get-togethers, have a Booby Squashing Event. Plan all of your mammograms at the same time and go as a group. It’ll make that hour wait go by WAY faster! Afterwards head off to a bar and order a Boob Grabber! If the bartender hasn’t had a recent mammogram, give him the recipe:

Boob Grabber

½ oz. Irish Cream

½ oz. Scotch

Whipped Cream

Mix together with crushed ice, pour into a shot glass and then dot with a tiny blob of whipped cream (for the nipple).