Holiday Conversations with the Dog

by Tonia

Even though my sister lives with me, she and I have very different work schedules so Remington (aka the Dog) and I spend a lot of time alone together. We have frequent discussions and he often tries to give me advice. He's told me to invest my money in tennis balls; he's given me his critique of the various toilet water at friends' houses; he's even tried to tell me who to date based on their smell. He's mostly right - although I've not confirmed the toilet water thing. Recently we've had several conversations about the holidays.

After the tree was up and decorated…..

Remington: “You bought a tree for me?!! Thank you soooo much! You know how I hate going outside in the cold!”

Me: “Oh, no, no, no, no! This tree is not for peeing.”

Remington: “What kind of worthless tree is THAT?”

Me: “A Christmas tree.”

Remington, wagging his tail near the Christmas tree….

Me: “Don’t wag your tail so close to the tree!”

Remington: “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

Me: “Of course I want you to be happy. I just don’t want you to be happy around the tree.”

Remington: “I can’t believe my own maid is trying to sabotage my happiness.”

Me: “I’m NOT your maid!”

Remington: “I hope to God you’re not going to put those ridiculous reindeer antlers on me again this year.”
Me: “But you look so CUTE in them! And I LOVE to dress you up!”

Remington: “I oughta’ dress YOU up! Maybe I’ll dress you up as a street walker…..oh, wait, that would be your everyday attire.”

Remington: “I think that Christmas is scarier than Halloween.”

Me: “Really? Why?”

Remington: “Because of that fat white guy that stalks us in the front yard and that fat red guy who tries to break in the house through the chimney.”

Me: “That’s Snowman and Santa Claus, goofy!”

Remington: "Maybe Snowman is cool, but I can feel Santa’s presents when he’s in the chimney."  

Me: <groan>

Remington: “Why are you putting up mistletoe? Don’t I greet you with enough kisses?”

Me: “Yes, but I may want to snatch a few human kisses.”
Remington: “It’s so disgusting how you humans suck on each others’ mouths!”

Me: “HEY! We’re not the ones who sniff butts to introduce ourselves!”

Remington: “You need to butt out of that! Get it!? Get it!? God, I sleigh myself…..”

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