Jan 31, 2013

Valentines Day – Because Life isn’t Complicated Enough

Posted by Tonia at Thursday, January 31, 2013 0 comments
By Tonia

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox!" - Woody Allen

I see the signs - pink and red M&Ms; crowds at Victoria’s Secret; teddy bears wearing “I wuv you;” heart shaped … EVERYTHING! Valentines Day must be approaching. 

Some historians believe that Valentine's Day is celebrated in mid-February to mark the anniversary of St. Valentine's martyrdom. Love and martyrdom, huh? Seems about right based on the lyrics in our most popular love songs.

Consider When a Man Loves a Woman. Tossing friends aside, destitution and not having enough sense to come in out of the rain – all in the name of love. I’d like to suggest that we rename it, When a Man Becomes So Neurotically Obsessed that He Loses all Respectability by Acting Like a Buffoon.

Then there’s Every Breath You Take – the ramblings of a stalker / peeper. I’d call that one Creepy Psycho Ex-boyfriend Gone Completely Berzerk. Is this really our idea of love? God, I hope not.

Well, for those of you in less psychotic relationships - you know, the kind, caring and egalitarian ones, we wish you Happy Valentines Day. For the rest of us … well, there’s vodka. And our girlfriends.

But don’t sit home alone of Valentines Day. Invite your girlfriends over for a board game night. Two really fun games made especially for girlfriends are Girlfriends Intuition (click HERE for description) and What’s a Dame to Do? (click HERE for description). Or create your own games like Name That Ex or The Anti-Valentines Scavenger Hunt. Serve lots of chocolate and screw the calories for one night! 

Now give us some of YOUR ideas!

Jan 24, 2013

Internet Dating Round 2

Posted by Tonia at Thursday, January 24, 2013 2 comments
By Anna

"Curiosity may have killed the cat but it also got a lot of pussies in trouble." - unknown
So, if living with my mother at age 32 isn’t bad enough, we’re both single, sharing a computer and on the same dating site. At least she didn’t show up as a match for me like she did for my brother. Yuck!

So after the mother hurdle, my next online dating challenge is the full-of-myself, dim-witted, pound-my-chest screen names. Let me just say, if your screen name is Hardcock8tulsa, Rockstarpimp69, Filmgod420 or KenDollExtraodinaire – sorry - not interested.

My very first match seemed to be Dexter. Yes, from Showtime Television (see picture). Uh, I sense a problem.

Some of the other matches were also … uh … less than desirable. See illustrations below:

Illustration #1 
PM_HairFetish69 was ALL about some hair. He mentioned doing hair SEVEN times in his profile. The site asks, “What do you typically do on a Friday night?” His response, “Getting some rest so I can rock out some hair on Saturdays!” 
He messaged me, “Hey, I’m Paul, I do hair for a living, would you want to chat? Message me.” When I responded I simply asked him if he did anything or thought about anything other than hair. No response.
Illustration #2
TallCountry36’s message: “Hi.”
Wow, you blew me away, Cowboy. Where do I meet you for another intense and intellectually stimulating conversation?!
Illustration #3
HardSwingingCock messaged me daily because he wanted a threesome with me and his wife.
Yes, Mr. SwingingCock, I did get your message the first time and I’m ignoring you for a reason.
Illustration #4
It’s been interesting to read profiles that are so honest and raw, like this guy’s: “Message me if you are a whiny bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. I know that in time you will become coolly hostile as I fail to meet your every need you’ve ever had.” This same man went on to say that age was unimportant  “but will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.”
This man, I will say, deserved a response. Here was mine:
"Seeking a 30s male that will make me laugh, be my friend and turn me on sexually. After a year I will convince myself that there is someone better out there and drop you like my iphone off the ski lift. I will continue to date you casually for another year in order to make us both completely miserable. Men in their 20s need not apply. I will only rehash my father issues with men over 39."
This conversation went on for a couple days until I realized we were both total assholes. Another internet dating account deleted. So, for now, I'm sticking with my girlfriends. Here is a recipe for you to share with your girlfriends at your next get-together. Enjoy the Fruit Loop Vodka!

Loopy Nights 

1 part Three Olives Loopy Vodka
1 part Champagne
2 parts Ginger Ale

Mix in glass with ice.
OPTIONAL: Garnish with raspberries

Jan 20, 2013

Soup-er Bowl Exchange

Posted by Tonia at Sunday, January 20, 2013 0 comments
By Tonia
“My idea of a super bowl is a self-cleaning toilet.” - ecard
Super Bowl Sunday is approaching - the most watched TV show in the US. Must be the Power of the Pointy Ball. In Oklahoma the pointy ball is so mighty that couples use football schedules to plan their wedding dates. I kid you not.

When I accidently catch a little football on TV, I shudder at those tackles with visions of Flat Stanley. For a homophobic nation, we sure like to watch guys lay on top of each other and slap each others’ asses. And, I want to know, how is it that the last 30 seconds of this game can take 2 hours? Grrrrrr…..

Personally I’d rather stab my eye out with a sharp knife than watch football. Or jump out of an airplane without a parachute. Well … unless Johnnie Depp was coming over to watch. And then I’d happily watch with him. But I’d be hoping he’d make a pass at me with lots of instant foreplays. I’d let him sack me, of course, with a whole lot of touchdown there. Sigh. Well, back to reality…

If you’ll be avoiding the game this year like I'll be, try having a girlfriends’ party instead. Call it the SOUP-ER BOWL EXCHANGE. Whatever number of girlfriends you invite, ask them each bring that number of 6-cup freezer containers of their most delicious homemade soup. When guests arrive, open and heat one of each person’s containers and set them out as samples. Serve wine, salad and bread with the soup tasting. Then at the end of the evening make sure that everyone takes home one of everyone’s containers of soup (like a cookie exchange). Fun night with a practical take-home goodie!

Jan 9, 2013

Humor: The Super Glue of Friendships

Posted by Tonia at Wednesday, January 09, 2013 1 comments
by Tonia

"Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families." 

I love my girlfriends. Their love, support and hilarity have kept me out of psychiatric institutions. I tell them crazy-ass stories and they don’t judge me. I tell them about my stressful situations and, after they try to be empathic, they poke fun at them. Our shared humor brings me deep comfort because I know they “get me.” When they turn my angst/ fears/ heartbreaks/ disappointments into laughter, they turn my stinkin' straw into gold.

Women bond with laughter (both with and without eye-rolling). It’s our way of saying, "OMG, I know!" We share stories of midnight rendezvous with Ben & Jerry; of wrap-around skirt failings; of fake orgasms and mind-bending orgasms; of screaming babies with comatose partners; of incinerating, hell-preparatory hot flashes; of evil plots of revenge on exes….

If one of us complains about a husband’s irritating habit of rolling his eyes at her, someone responds, “Who does he think he is – a teenager?” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

If one of us has morning sickness, someone says, “Yea, getting knocked up means a hangover every morning ... but without the shit-faced fun the night before.” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

If one of us has a cooking disaster, someone has a similar story, “Hey! I tried to use Fruity Pebbles instead of Rice Krispies for snowballs - looked like balls of puke.” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

It’s hard for girlfriends to get together for more than five minutes and not exchange some kind of personal information and start to laugh. It’s ‘estrogenergy’ – special female chemistry that has inspired quilting bees, garden parties, teas, sororities, bridge clubs, bridal showers, and baby showers for centuries. WE call them ‘estrofests!’

In honor of ‘estrofests,’ here are some hilarious woman-honoring games for your next girlfriends’ get-together:

FAKE ORGASM OLYMPICS – Ask three girlfriends to be judges. Equip each of them with five (5) pieces of paper with the numbers 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 written separately on each one. Then ask three participants to sit in chairs in front of the judges. Instruct the participants one at a time to spend 30 seconds doing their best imitation of an orgasm (think Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally). When the demonstration is complete, ask the three judges to hold up their “scores” (one of the five numbers). Add the score and then repeat with the second and third participants. Highest score wins.

SUPERMOM RELAY – Set up two identical mommy task/obstacle courses (described below). Form two teams of 3-5 women. Have each team create a line; give each team three  (3) dolls (representing children). Explain that each team member must run through a Mommy Task/Obstacle Course and complete each chore while holding on to her “children” (team members who drop children will be reported to Child Protective Services – this can be whatever you’d like it to be: starting over again, running a lap around the yard, etc.). When a team member has completed the course, she should return to the line and hand off the “children” to the next teammate so that she too can run the course. The first team to have all team members complete the task/obstacle course and return to the line wins. You can set out as many or as few tasks/obstacles as you like (just make sure that you set out two identical ones – one for each team). We have used some of the following:

(1) Grocery sacks with 5 (five) canned goods. Participants must put unload sacks and then load them again.
(2) Children’s books on chairs. Participants must sit down and read the first page out loud.
(3) Pans of water with a stack of 3 (three) plates. Participants must dip each plate in the water and restack.
(4) Lipsticks and mirrors. Participants must put lipstick on.
(5) Unfolded towels (as many as you have participants). Participants must fold one towel.
(6) Suit jackets. Participants must put jacket on and then take it off.

GET THAT MAN OFF YOUR BACK CONTEST – Using three male blow-up dolls and three game participants, tie one blowup doll to each participant’s back. To increase the level of difficulty you can also handcuff the participants. When the hostess says “Go!” the participants make every effort and gyration to try to get the “man off their backs.” First one to successfully do so wins.

Share with us some of your women-honoring games below!


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