Internet Dating Round 2

By Anna

"Curiosity may have killed the cat but it also got a lot of pussies in trouble." - unknown

So, if living with my mother at age 32 isn’t bad enough, we’re both single, sharing a computer and on the same dating site. At least she didn’t show up as a match for me like she did for my brother. Yuck!

So after the mother hurdle, my next online dating challenge is the full-of-myself, dim-witted, pound-my-chest screen names. Let me just say, if your screen name is Hardcock8tulsa, Rockstarpimp69, Filmgod420 or KenDollExtraodinaire – sorry - not interested.

My very first match seemed to be Dexter. Yes, from Showtime Television (see picture). Uh, I sense a problem.

Some of the other matches were also … uh … less than desirable. See illustrations below:

Illustration #1 

PM_HairFetish69 was ALL about some hair. He mentioned doing hair SEVEN times in his profile. The site asks, “What do you typically do on a Friday night?” His response, “Getting some rest so I can rock out some hair on Saturdays!” 

He messaged me, “Hey, I’m Paul, I do hair for a living, would you want to chat? Message me.” When I responded I simply asked him if he did anything or thought about anything other than hair. No response.

Illustration #2

TallCountry36’s message: “Hi.”

Wow, you blew me away, Cowboy. Where do I meet you for another intense and intellectually stimulating conversation?!

Illustration #3

HardSwingingCock messaged me daily because he wanted a threesome with me and his wife.

Yes, Mr. SwingingCock, I did get your message the first time and I’m ignoring you for a reason.

Illustration #4

It’s been interesting to read profiles that are so honest and raw, like this guy’s: “Message me if you are a whiny bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. I know that in time you will become coolly hostile as I fail to meet your every need you’ve ever had.” This same man went on to say that age was unimportant  “but will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.”

This man, I will say, deserved a response. Here was mine:

"Seeking a 30s male that will make me laugh, be my friend and turn me on sexually. After a year I will convince myself that there is someone better out there and drop you like my iphone off the ski lift. I will continue to date you casually for another year in order to make us both completely miserable. Men in their 20s need not apply. I will only rehash my father issues with men over 39."

This conversation went on for a couple days until I realized we were both total assholes. Another internet dating account deleted. So, for now, I'm sticking with my girlfriends. Here is a recipe for you to share with your girlfriends at your next get-together. Enjoy the Fruit Loop Vodka!

Loopy Nights 

1 part Three Olives Loopy Vodka

1 part Champagne

2 parts Ginger Ale

Mix in glass with ice.

OPTIONAL: Garnish with raspberries