The Long and UNwinding Road

by Tonia

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

Each summer I drive from Tulsa, OK to Santa Fe, NM so I can spend my summers away from Sweat-My-Boobs-Off Land. This year I drove my badass Prius and took the dog. Unfortunately, I gave no thought to my traveling attire - wore white pants and a black top. The pants ended up as a record of every drink and snack I had along the way and the shirt was a high-powered dog hair magnet. By the end of the trip I looked like a hang-over buffet on the top (hair of the dog) and a food smorgasbord on the bottom. I guess if the crumb fits, wear it!

The dog is a happy pup that loves to go anywhere. I really should have gotten him goggles and a scarf for his traveling attire. Never once did he ask me if we were there yet.

The trip is about 9.5 hours of straight driving. This year I took a different route to avoid the putrid smelling cattle yards on I40 at Wildorado, TX. You can’t imagine the stench. HOLY COW. Well, not really holy. Smelled more like Satan’s outhouse after a curry orgy. Rolling up the windows and turning off the A/C doesn’t help either – you’d have to hold your breath for 10 miles – which is greatly discouraged by the Texas Highway Patrol.

Instead, I took the northern route through Guymon, OK, where the largest PORK processing plant is. I definitely squealed when I met the biggest cock I'd ever put my arms around (or any other part of my anatomy, for that matter).

But the drive was still boring. I especially hated those areas without cell phone/internet connection. Couldn’t comment on Facebook or play Words with Friends!! So I ended up just counting telephone poles and flashing truck drivers.

And, when I couldn't entertain myself in those ways, the road just became hypnotic. Center line after center line after center line. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. Watching that line and listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance over and over again. Now I can't quit thinking about giving up my career in academia and becoming a sex slave. Does anyone know how to undo hypnotic suggestion?

And, so for a girlfriend get-together, take a road trip! Just hop in the car and take off for someplace. Tie a bra to your antenna, stick your heads out the windows, sing at the top of your lungs, moon the truckers and laugh yourselves senseless. Then try to remember how to get home. Happy travels!