Doggone It!

by Tonia

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman

I have a dog named Remington. He’s a mongrel that adopted me when I innocently visited an animal shelter. And, despite the fact that he walks around the house shedding like a chemo patient and chewing the crotches out of my panties (NOT in a sexy way!), he’s a pretty good companion. He doesn’t watch sports on TV all day and he looks me in the eyes when I talk to him!

AND he wants to be with me all the time. Hell, I can’t even go to the bathroom without him. This has made me very self-conscious about the way I pee and wipe. Am I doing it right? Is my stream strong enough? Should my wiping stroke be different? Am I remembering to go front-to-back? Is one swipe enough? Geez.

He even sleeps with me and hogs the pillow. If I do manage to escape into another room for ten seconds without him he’s as excited to see me as if I’d been gone six months. I bet if I locked Remington and my adult children in crates and came back an hour later, he’d be the only one happy to see me!

Besides the shedding and panty crotch obsession (often leaving my underwear with only a front and back flap – kinda’ like what the Indians wore in those old western movies), he tries to please me and is very transparent about his activities ….. unlike my friend’s dog .....

My friend lives alone with his dog. Each morning he makes his bed and each evening he returns to it completely unmade. It was quite a mystery until he figured out that the dog was having bitches over during the day and getting a little action. Quite the Dog Juan!

But I digress. Recently I took Remington with me on a road trip to Santa Fe. He was actually a very good traveler – was ready to leave on time; didn’t whine that he was bored; and didn’t bitch at me if I took a wrong turn. A perfect travel companion!

And since we’ve been here we’ve been doing lots of hiking. He loves it. He runs ahead of me on the trail – and then looks back at me to make sure I haven’t passed out. Now that’s love! I just need to train him to watch out for me at the bars now! And to drive me home…..

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, have a DOGGONE IT party (“Doggone it,” by the way, originated as a euphemism for “goddamn it”). Plan a fundraiser for your local shelter. Serve Salty Dog Cocktails or decorate cupcakes to look like puppies. Some great tips for animal shelter fundraising HERE. Let us know how it goes!