Torn About Porn

By Tonia

"Do you have any idea what its like when you try to make home porn? My husband and I tried it. We looked like charging hippos. Best to leave it to the pros." -Alisha Tyler

I recently took an interest in pornography. You know, tryin’ to spice things up a bit. It seemed like a better idea than peeking in my neighbors’ windows. I used to think porn was for those creepy male masturbators in raincoats -- but then I found out how many women watch porn - supposedly 50-66% of all adult women watch porn. So I watched some movies on Pay per View and on the internet.

OMG. Someone should have warned me about the hokeyness factor. I couldn’t quit laughing. It was like a freak show on silicone. Not that I was expecting the cinematography of Gone with the Wind – but the lighting, the dialogue, the story lines were as fake as the orgasms. And those poor starlets – they sounded like injured animals. It was about as arousing as the weather channel.

Someone suggested I make my own tape. Awhahahahahahahaha. **catching my breath** Here are the reasons why that’s NOT going to happen:

1. If I stay on my back my boobs are going to disappear; if I get on top my stomach is going to hang. No, sireee, we are NOT making When Hairy Met Saggy.

2. I don’t want to see my face in the middle of an orgasm. All contorted with my mouth gaping open – the agony/ecstasy of le petit morte … or a difficult bowel movement. No making of True Grimace with this middle-aged babe.

3. I also don’t want to hear myself in the middle of an orgasm. No repeats of The Howling, thank you very much.

4. Finally, not sure that after I’m dead my children and grandchildren will appreciate seeing naked Mom/Mimi doing it. In fact, my children have already warned me to mark any such tapes. They've threatened to use my cremains as cat litter if I don’t.

But, why not invite some girlfriends over to laugh at some goofy porn flick? Or have a sexy lingerie party? CLICK HERE for a fun Sex Quiz that we created. And, in keeping with the sex theme, why not fix sugar cookies decorated to look like Thongs Gone Wrong?

(P.S. I’ve not lost porn hope – I actually found some pretty steamy non-hokey porn made for women. To learn more about porn for women, check America’s leading sexologist, Violet Blue’s website HERE)

Tonia’s Special Sugar Cookie Recipe

Go to the grocery store and purchase refrigerated sugar cookie dough.

  

Directions:

  

Roll out the dough 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick on a floured surface. Using a heart shaped cookie cutter, cut into hearts (duh!) and then cut off the points of the hearts. Place cookies on ungreased cookie sheets and bake according to directions. I like using the timer. Otherwise, I have to use the fire extinguisher. Cool completely before icing. 

Tonia’s Special Icing Recipe

While you are at the grocery store purchasing refrigerated sugar cookie dough, pick up different colored icing in those small tubes – you won’t need much. If you want to get really fancy buy some sprinkles as well.

  
Directions:

  

Look at the picture. I think you can figure it out. Be creative!