Pissed About Peeing

By Tonia

“I cough, therefore I pee….” – Pink Tomato

I recently had the flu while visiting Rachel and the grandmunchkins in Texas. I know. I know. Didn’t get the flu shot. My bad. So shoot me.

But it wasn’t just being sick that was miserable. Or being sick away from home. It was the damn coughing and peeing! Even after my last TP swipe, if I coughed, there was another squirt (and I don’t mean the sexy kind). After changing pants several times in a single hour, I stuffed toilet paper in my underwear to catch any other surprise urine deluges. Not sure what folks thought of the bulge in my crotch but, hey, it beat soggy britches!

If I felt a really long cough attack coming I’d race to sit on the toilet so I could hack away with complete abandon. Awwwwww …. no need to grab my crotch; no need turn my lower body into a pretzel. Just pee and cough to make my bladder gladder. Most of these emergency runs, however, didn’t include closing the bathroom door. No time! So let me take this opportunity to apologize to my son-in-law for all the times he walked down the hall and caught a glimpse of my bare ass. Yes, Gary, I’ll pay for your therapy. Hope the nightmares go away soon.

And, no, this post is not about golden showers (minds out of the gutter – er, toilet, please!). It’s about a fairly common problem in women (yet another thing men don’t have to deal with!) known as stress incontinence. Whoopi Goldberg calls it “the sprits” and has a funny video about it (click HERE ). Here is my commentary on non-invasive solutions for stress incontinence:

Kegel exercises: You know the ones – those pelvic floor exercises – the ones where you're supposed to stop urination midstream. Right. If I could DO that I wouldn’t be in this mess, would I?

Timed voiding: Record the times you urinate and/or leak. This lets you know your "patterns" so you can go to the bathroom at those times. Seriously? I’m going to plan my whole friggin’ life around my pee pee???

A pessary: This is a ring that a physician inserts into your vagina to put pressure on the urethra. Frankly, I can think of LOTS of other more interesting things that I would rather have inserted into my vagina!  

Injections: Bulking agents such as collagen can be injected into the lining of the urethra to increase its size and resist the flow of urine. Collagen? Did someone say collagen? Could the doctor do my face while he’s doing my crotch? I LOVE this remedy!

So, our suggestion for your next girlfriends’ get together is a Pissing Match! Divide your guests up into teams and, within a designated period of time, see which teams can come up with the greatest number of peeing expressions (i.e powdering my nose, going number one, etc). Great for baby showers and/or menopause celebrations!  

60 is NOT the New 30

by Tonia

“I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.” - George Carlin

I’m going to be 59.5 in a few days. The IRS says that at 59.5 I can withdraw money from my IRAs without the 10% penalty. Big whoopty-do. All I can think about is that I’m going to be …. wait for it …. <gulp> 60 next summer. Since I’ve been 55 for several years it’s going to be a big jump from 55 to 60. Fortunately I’m in good company: Kim Basinger, Mary Steenburger, Cyndi Lauper, Oprah Winfrey, Christie Brinkley all have recently turned or are going to turn 60 this next year. They don’t look too bad. Of course, they have bigger budgets than I do for "getting some work done" but a little Botox is doable for me.

I’ve decided that by 60 years of age most of us have accumulated evidence of our longevity, as evidenced by:

(1) Either a bathing suit or a pair of shorts that should no longer be seen in public (Rachel and Anna remind me that I have BOTH)

(2) Enough styles of Spanx to cover any body part in crisis mode

(3) A cabinet full of unsuccessful creams, scrubs, lotions and ointments for wrinkles, dark puffy circles, and cellulite

(4) Another cabinet full of supplements for thinning hair, hormone replacement, and memory loss

(5) Broken capillaries from rigorous, over-the-top, bring-back-my-youth-NOW exfoliation

(6) Abundant gray hairs from all the toddler tantrums, adolescent arguments, and grown children’s bad decisions

(7) Voluminous tubs of Christmas decorations (which, by the way, procreate during summer months) 

(8) A Bucket List (although I’m starting to create am Anti-Bucket List - things I DON’T have to do before I die – i.e. video taping myself having sex and swimming the English Channel)

(9) Some kind of information / directions for after death (i.e. who the children’s REAL father is, who NOT to invite to the funeral, etc)

What kind of party is the Queen of Parties going to have for her 60^th birthday? Stay tuned. TBA. In the meanwhile, for your next girlfriends’ get together, serve martinis and create an ANTI-Bucket List – what I DON’T have to do before I die!