Just Say NO

by Tonia

"The Ukraine girls really knock me out..." - Beatles (Back in the USSR)

In the news: Ukrainian women are just saying “No” (or “Nyet”) to doing the deed with Russian men. It’s a protest to Russia’s takeover of Crimea. Several Russian journalists have wondered what’s gotten into these women. Uh ….. not YOU! Ukrainian women have decided that Russians are big dicks - and not the lucky kind. So, like the Smurfs, some Russian men are singing’ The Blue Ball Blues.

The story reminds me of the ancient Greek play about Lysistrata who persuades the women of Athens to withhold sex from their partners to force an end to the Peloponnesian War. This play has everything, by the way: erections, gender politics, more erections, old guys in dresses. It’s the Animal House of ancient Greece. In one scene the old men bring fire to burn down the city’s gates but the old women soak them with water – kind of a reverse wet tee-shirt contest.

But the women soon start to feel desperate for sex (I know THAT feeling!) and begin to make excuses to return to their beds – “Uh, I need to wash my sheets,” “Uh, I need to air out my comforter.” But Lysistrata whips them back into shape (well, not literally – see blog on Fifty Shades of Grey if you’re interested in THAT sort of thing) and they stay strong for the cause.

Meanwhile, all of the men are burdened with enormous erections. (On stage this scene looks like a Viagra festival – my favorite part.) They finally agree to peace talks. There’s a huge celebration in a hybrid May Day Parade/Orgy scene. Everyone gets laid and lives happily ever after.

So I hope that the Ukrainian women have the same success. Recently on Facebook they wrote, “Russian women, care to join us?” and “Our men are all still at home, but yours appear to be going to war.” How do you say, “Hold out there, Bitches!! We’re with you!!” in Ukrainian?

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider finding a cause to protest or support. Solidarity! 

Moaning Over Myths

By Tonia

March is Women’s History Month and, while I could certainly acknowledge many brave, intelligent, pioneering women here, its more my style to look at the ridiculous. So, for Women’s History Month, I’ve decided to take a look at some of the bizarre historical myths about women. Here they are:

Too much “female semen” turns women into demonic shrews. Supposedly “female semen” accumulated and festered in a woman’s body. I wonder if there was a bulge somewhere – you know, like pregnancy or zits. This terrible condition, this amassed female semen, was diagnosed as “female hysteria,” and its cure required women to orgasm. Hey! I got no trouble with that! And, truth be told, I probably DO feel a little bitchy if I haven’t had my whoopee in awhile. 

Women who think too much become sterile. Dr. Edward Clarke of Harvard University announced that women should not be exposed to higher education because thinking drew blood to their brains and away from their reproductive organs. Maybe women who think don’t WANT 12 kids! But the association of brains and genitalia is an interesting one – men thinking with their dicks?

Menstruation is poisonous. It was once believed that food exposed to a woman on her period would putrefy. Fruits and vegetables would rot; butter wouldn’t set; and meats would get moldy. Hey! Great excuse not to cook! Get me some red dye for my underwear…..

The body heat of young women could reverse aging in old men.  Apparently there are still men who think this but, sorry, guys, it’s a myth. But it was believed, even in the medical profession, that young women’s heat and moisture would revitalize wrinkly old bodies. Hell, if that’s all it takes, I’m spending WAY too much money on Botox and moisturizers!

Some vaginas have teeth. Yep. A whole set. Supposedly women who had these could castrate any man with a single bite. Instead of “eat me,” I guess those va-jay-jays were more the “eat you” type. Too bad the young girls who were made to sleep with those dirty old men didn’t have a set! I wonder if a set of dentures would fit in my……..

And, on that happy note, Happy Women’s History Month. Celebrate with your closest girlfriends playing the game Cards Against Humanity. It’s every kind of wrong but you’ll laugh your ass off (which is always a perk, in my opinion).

Date Night with GLORIA

by Tonia

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." – Woody Allen

I recently went with a date to see GLORIA, a Chilean film (yes, with subtitles) about a late 50ish woman who has a love affair with a slightly older man. I was fascinated because I’m a late 50ish woman and I wanted to see how my love affairs sized up against hers. Well, that, and I heard there was a penis in the nude scenes….. 

So, yes, there was sex. And despite the typical big screen's gorgeous young bodies boning it up, Gloria and her partner look like real middle-aged people – with sag jiggling right there in bed with them. But, even with that, their sex is lusty and passionate and seemingly quite gratifying! I started to stand up and cheer for them but my date reminded me that it wasn't an Olympic event. It was just sex. Hollywood may be making a few movies about mature lovers (i.e. It’s Complicated, Hope Springs and Something’s Gotta Give) but they’re certainly not showing mature sexual encounters. THANK YOU, Chilean film makers! 

And, while the idea of mature sex probably horrifies young people (including – uh, ESPECIALLY - my children), research shows that sex is still important to us even into our 80s. If we have less sex as we age its because partners become less available – it’s not because we don’t want it. Personally I’m enjoying sex more now than I ever have. And that’s because:

(1) I feel sexier. I’m less inhibited and more confident now; I'm comfortable in my own skin. In my 20s I was pushing out babies; in my 30s I was trying to look smart in graduate school; and I don’t know WHAT the hell was wrong with me in my 40s!

(2) Sex is funnier now. When I was younger I thought sex was supposed to be romantic and serious. Now I’m just having fun. My partners and I are dealing with farting and leg cramps and clumsy position shifts (sometime I'll blog about a Reverse Cowgirl situation!) - and laughing about it - which is kind of sexy. 

(3) I’m more financially stable. I can afford those sexy little outfits and sex toys! I've just got to figure out a way to stay stocked in batteries!

(4) I have a gratitude attitude. As my dating pool dwindles, I’m truly thankful that I’m still getting laid. Seriously. It’s in the top 5 of My Things to Be Grateful For.

So guess what my date and I did after the movie……yep, we let the flab and sag go crazy!   :)

At your next girlfriends’ get together, go see GLORIA. She’s inspiring (and not just because of the sex)!

Taking It Off

by Tonia

“Never trust an anti-aging cream with an expiration date.” - unknown

As I face 60, I’m facing my face. Old age is accosting me like an unwelcome intruder breaking down my damn door. So I’m trying to get some inspiration. Recently I looked at some celebrities turning 60 (their lives are just like mine, right?). I found an article about Christy Brinkley’s secrets to looking young. Her advice? Much like her marital advice: Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate.

Exfoliation is not a new concept. Ancient Egyptians made exfoliation products out of alabaster, honey and sour milk. Sour milk?? OMG, if I put SOUR milk on my face my brain would go into high alert, signaling for evasive actions – like puking. No thanks, Cleopatra.

The Egyptians also used finely ground sand to rub off dead skin. Is that the original sandsoap? It gives a whole new meaning to having a sandy complexion (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Under normal (i.e. younger) circumstances about 30,000 skin cells fall off our bodies every hour – but, as we age, this process slows down. And guess where those dead skin cells go - they turn into dust and settle all over the house. Bits of our former selves everywhere – kind of like ‘Mini-Me’s. But,hey, if this process is slowing down, shouldn’t my house be less dusty? 

Now days there are so many choices for exfoliation, most designed to sell a product rather than actually do anything. But, in case you were wondering, exfoliation falls into two (2) categories: mechanical and chemical. One involves scrubbing and one involves, well, chemicals. It’s important to know your skin so that you use the right products. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like Samantha from Sex in the City after her chemical peel (see the scene on YouTube HERE).

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, bring out the scrubs, the alpha hydroxyl acids and the moisturizers and give each other facials. Serve apple martinis. Apples are good for you, right???