Just Get Naked

by Tonia

 “My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Since I missed the 34th annual mooning of Amtrak in July (click HERE if you would like information about next year's event), I decided that I should go skinny-dipping. 
Since I was in TEXAS it was in keeping with my motto of “out of town; out of state; and out of control.” Such a naughty activity but, the naked truth is: it does no harm – well…..unless someone is traumatized by the sight of my body.

And, I get it, there are some things one shouldn’t do au natural – host a children’s TV show, insulate the attic with fiber glass.... And you probably shouldn’t meet your daughter’s boyfriend or your future inlaws sans clothes. But skinny dipping is such a wonderful feeling. And there are advantages to wearing my birthday suit:

-  I won't have to shop for swim suits (reason enough!)

-  I won't have to worry about pickpockets

-  I can go on a blind date and not worry about what to wear

-  I can attend my own birthday party dressed nostalgically

And, by the way, in ancient Rome when a man testified in court he had to swear by his testicles. Not sure if he had whip them out and place one hand on them as he swore, but its an interesting image….

And, for your next girlfriends’ get together, go skinny-dipping!! (But leave the cameras at home!)

Nuttier than Nutgrass

by Tonia

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
-  Doug Larson

I like to garden – flowers mostly – but lately I’ve become obsessed with my lawn. That’s because I’ve declared war on the nutgrass that is growing where I DID NOT PLANT IT! I’ve used three different weed killers on it and gotten a second mortgage to pay for more nutgrass napalm. That shit grows faster than the green stuff in my refrigerator!

Now, every time I get out of my car, I have to pick nutgrass on my way to the front door. I. Can’t. Stop. Myself. I'm watering my lawn with my own perspiration! It has become more demanding than my children. In fact, my lawn is SIMILAR to my children – stubborn, wild, and hard to contain!

I’ve read so much on nutgrass that now I’m a little nutty. One expert said that nutgrass is a sign of low calcium levels in the soil. Osteoporosis in the dirt? Seriously? I didn’t realize that osteoporosis was contagious; that my soil could catch it from me! Pass the milk, please.

Another “expert” recommended eating the nuts as they taste like almonds. Really? I’m going to harvest my nutgrass? I can’t wait to tell my neighbors, “It’s not a weed; it’s a cash crop!”

The “Dirt Doctor” website said, “There is only one guaranteed, foolproof method to completely kill nutgrass. First, dig out every tiny piece of the plant including the seeds and nutlets. Make sure you sift the soil through a mesh screen. Dump the collected material on the driveway and burn it. Sweep up all the ashes and seal in a concrete box. Drive to the coast and dump the sealed box 20 miles off shore.” He may be on to something. 

Right now I’m just waiting for the first snow so that my lawn will look as nice as my neighbor’s.

And, for your next girlfriends’ party, consider a lawn party – croquet, maybe? We call croquet “Bustin’ Balls.” It’s a ton of fun if you play while serving cucumber sandwiches, petit fours and tea – Long Island Tea, that is!

Go Topless Day

By Tonia

Did you know that August 25^th is Go Topless Day? Yep. Started in 2007 as an annual event to support (well, without certain support) the right of women to go topless in public. It’s to promote gender equality since men are allowed to go topless. I would go – it’s a summer Sunday and it would be fun to hang out in a park with half naked people - but I hear that attendance is sagging in Oklahoma.

I love a good protest – takes me back to my hippie days. And this seems like a good cause. Isn’t this the Land of the Free? Shouldn’t my Ta-tas go free? And think of the benefits! No more tan lines or wrong-sized bras; Peeping Toms would go out of business; and, if allowed at work, male absenteeism would decrease significantly! But I guess the down side would be that eye contact would become nonexistent.

And, I wonder, if we were allowed to go topless, would we become fashion conscious about our boobs? Would we be trying to turn our breasts into better shapes and colors? Personally, I wouldn’t mind a little perkier. Otherwise I’m good. I’m somewhere between dollar-size and Good-God-Almighty-size.

All kidding aside, Go Topless Day is actually scheduled on the Sunday closest to Women’s Equality Day (Aug 26^th) which celebrates the passing of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote. No laughing matter. This was the result of DECADES of effort by women suffragettes. Click HERE to see Bad Romance: Women’s Suffrage, a parody music video paying homage to Alice Paul and the brave women who joined together, protested, went to prison and died so that we would share with men the right to vote.

For this month’s girlfriends’ get together, in honor of Women’s Equality Day, consider a movie night and show Iron Jawed Angels with Hillary Swank and Anjelica Huston – a tribute to the “defiant young activists who took the women's suffrage movement by storm." It’s inspirational. 

Jack and Jill: Over the Hill

By Tonia

“The older one grows the more one likes indecency.” – Virginia Woolf

I was recently walking through a drug store minding my own business with absolutely NOTHING lewd on my mind. Really. Promise. And then I saw it - magnifiers hanging over the family planning/sexual products section. What???

Which got me to thinking about geriatric sex. Why not? Granma still wants to make whoopee. Why are people so squeamish about the idea? I guess they think she should be knitting or cooking or reading stories to the grandkids. She has no business gadding about, having  <shudder the thought> wild sex!

A study in 2007 showed that 73% of those aged 57-64 were still getting some, 53% of 65-74 year olds were still doing it and 26% of 75-85 year olds were making the horizontal mombo. And, get this, in another study, 30% of the partners of patients on VENTILATORS reported continuing to have sexual intercourse! I’m tellin’ ya, it gives a whole new meaning to “you take my breath away.” Makes you wonder what kind of assistance one can get at an Assisted Living Center!

So evidently there are still LOTS of older folks fornicating. Hollywood is certainly recognizing it – think Grumpy Old Men; It’s Complicated; Something’s Gotta’ Give; Hope Springs. Instead of Sex in the City, we’ll be watching Sex in the Nursing Home. I loved Meryl Streep’s interview response to being asked about how challenging it was to do the masturbation scene in Hope Springs. She paused; then responded, “What makes you think I was faking?”

Personally, I just had my 59^th birthday. And it hit me – 60 comes after 59 (yes, I have a PhD and can figure out these complex math problems). I’m approaching the geriatric set. Oh, hell, I’m already there. But I still want to get lucky. I’m not dead yet.

For your next girlfriend’s get together we suggest a book discussion of Jane Juska’s A Round Heeled Woman: My Late Life Adventures in Sex and Romance. Its Jane’s story of how she decided she’d been celibate too long and placed a personal ad in The New York Review of Books that said, “Before I turn 67—next March—I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me.”

So I leave you this story stolen from the internet:

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

Happy fucking!