Nuttier than Nutgrass

by Tonia

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
-  Doug Larson

I like to garden – flowers mostly – but lately I’ve become obsessed with my lawn. That’s because I’ve declared war on the nutgrass that is growing where I DID NOT PLANT IT! I’ve used three different weed killers on it and gotten a second mortgage to pay for more nutgrass napalm. That shit grows faster than the green stuff in my refrigerator!

Now, every time I get out of my car, I have to pick nutgrass on my way to the front door. I. Can’t. Stop. Myself. I'm watering my lawn with my own perspiration! It has become more demanding than my children. In fact, my lawn is SIMILAR to my children – stubborn, wild, and hard to contain!

I’ve read so much on nutgrass that now I’m a little nutty. One expert said that nutgrass is a sign of low calcium levels in the soil. Osteoporosis in the dirt? Seriously? I didn’t realize that osteoporosis was contagious; that my soil could catch it from me! Pass the milk, please.

Another “expert” recommended eating the nuts as they taste like almonds. Really? I’m going to harvest my nutgrass? I can’t wait to tell my neighbors, “It’s not a weed; it’s a cash crop!”

The “Dirt Doctor” website said, “There is only one guaranteed, foolproof method to completely kill nutgrass. First, dig out every tiny piece of the plant including the seeds and nutlets. Make sure you sift the soil through a mesh screen. Dump the collected material on the driveway and burn it. Sweep up all the ashes and seal in a concrete box. Drive to the coast and dump the sealed box 20 miles off shore.” He may be on to something. 

Right now I’m just waiting for the first snow so that my lawn will look as nice as my neighbor’s.

And, for your next girlfriends’ party, consider a lawn party – croquet, maybe? We call croquet “Bustin’ Balls.” It’s a ton of fun if you play while serving cucumber sandwiches, petit fours and tea – Long Island Tea, that is!