Like Mother, Like Daughter

by Tonia

"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement." - Florida Scott-Maxwell

There’s a Jewish proverb that says, “What the daughter does, the mother did.” Really? Ewwwww. TMI. I know what I’m doing. Don’t want those images of my mother.

But it’s true that I carry my mother inside me. Well, not like she’s been my organ donor or anything. More like she’s in my head ….. and tumbling out my mouth. I am frequently horrified by the phrases that roll off my tongue like lemmings running off a cliff. Holy crap. It’s her inhabiting my vocal cords.

I see similarities between us more and more each day. I’m even starting to lose my hearing like she did. “Huh?” God help me. My mother was REALLY hard of hearing and refused to use her hearing aid. Sometimes we would mouth our words or speak VERY quietly to frustrate her. I’m thinking that this is going to be bad karma for me...

I’ve also inherited my mother’s need to send CARE packages to anyone in the family living outside the city. You know, because there aren’t stores outside of Tulsa, OK. I gather up goodies (like she did) and send them to the grandkids in that third world country - Ft. Worth, TX. 

And what IS that weird mother-food connection? No matter how much I had just eaten, if I went to my mother’s house, I became a locust descending on her refrigerator. No left-over, no mac and cheese, no pudding or cake was safe from me ….. and she would simply ask me if I was still hungry.

Four years ago this week my mother died of lung cancer. In the months immediately following her death I remember wondering how other people could just eat and drink and act normal when my mother was no where to be found. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t think. Part of me was gone forever.

And, while four years later I can say that it DOES get better, I still miss her to the core of my soul.

But, with that said, Mom, if you can see this message from wherever you are, I hope to God that you don’t haunt me this Halloween with any images of “What the daughter does, the mother did.” Save your dignity. Love you. Always have. Always will.



Doris Anne Ryan Caselman 1928-2009

The Toilet Paper Capers

By Tonia

Until recently Anna and my sister were both living with me. Three women and one bathroom. While this arrangement had many hilarious moments, today’s blog is about toilet paper.

I had no idea how much toilet paper three women could use. We were rippin’ through a roll a day. As a person interested in research I wanted to know if this was average usage or if we were abusing our toilet paper rights. I wanted to get to the “bottom” of it. Turns out, it takes 71 separate visits to completely use a roll of toilet paper. We were either frequent flyers to the bathroom or we were wadding up massive amounts of TP looking like the Michelin Tire guy to avoid the possibility of a little pee-pee on the hand-hand.

I became frantic about not running out of toilet paper so I began stock-piling it. I couldn't bare the idea of having to drip-dry. When I removed the towels from the bathroom cabinet to make room for more rolls, my sister and Anna did an intervention on me. I’m now in a 12-step program, Over-TP-Buyers Anonymous. I was powerless......

But not all toilet paper is created equal. You’ve got your double rolls, triple rolls, and even Mega rolls. There’s one-ply, two-ply and three-ply. So hard to decide! And then there’s “special” toilet paper. There’s holiday toilet paper, $100 bill toilet paper, Sudoku toilet paper, “Shit Happens” toilet paper, camouflage toilet paper, the “No job is finished until the paperwork is done” toilet paper and, for those wanting to learn a new skill, origami toilet paper.

I recently read about author Koji Suzuki who had his nine-chapter novella “Drop” printed on toilet paper. But I’m confused. What if my sister has to pee and I miss that section of the story? Grrrrr……..

Further research led me to another important finding. When it comes to toilet paper, men tend to be folders and women tend to be wadders. Not sure what that shit is about. Any hypotheses?

Then, of course, no blog about toilet paper would be complete without addressing the Great Over vs Under debate. The advantage of OVER is less chance of scraping the wall with your knuckles thereby avoiding germs; the advantage of UNDER is less chance of unraveling by pets and small children. Personally, I’m just glad to have toilet paper at all. And, don't tell my sister or Anna, but I have some hidden under my bed!

For your next girlfriends’ get-together consider creating a toilet paper fashion show/competition. Or simply sneak out like teenagers and go tee-peeing. I may have done the latter once or twice….recently.

Cocktober

WARNING: this blog post contains adult content which some may find offensive. It was submitted by a guest blogger and, while bawdier than most of our posts, we took it in good fun. We hope you will too. 

by Sparkles Stonybrook

We all know about December. And Christmas. A day for all the "nice" boys and girls in red and green sweaters with Amazon gift cards waiting for them under the tree, left there the previous night by some fat guy in a red suit as recompense for an entire year of good behavior.

But what about those naughty girls and boys? What of the sluts and the whores, the hussies and hookers, the gigolos and Doms? Don't they receive any reward? Are they really left with nothing but a lump of coal to ruminate over as they consider the error of their promiscuous ways?

The truth is, they get their rewards a few months earlier. Long before the Xmas rush, there comes what is REALLY the most magical time of the year: Cocktober. Thirty one days filled with big, fat, throbbing fun.

All those slutty, smutty, dirty girls get dildos and garters and whips and chains. For the baddest of boys there are cock rings and masturbators and anal beads. But most of all, Cocktober is about getting cock. For an entire month - big cocks, small cocks, fat cocks, cut cocks. Seven inches, nine inches, and for those who have been especially naughty, ten inches of rock hard, good to go cock.

Forget about that red-suited fat dude. Cocktober is ruled by Priapos and his divine staff of lust. And don't EVEN think about leaving milkand cookies for him. Condoms and lube are far better offerings for He-of-the-Permanent-Hard-On. No sneaking down chimneys for him; he is a back door guy through and through.

Priapos, (or as he is known in France, Monsieur Cockteau) loves naughty girls and boys. He is driven by lust, never love - and it is his mission to convert everyone he meets to the pursuit of Hedonsim, Debauchery, and above all, to lead them to worship at the altar of the Almighty Orgasm. He is willing to go to any extreme necessary to achieve this goal - oral, vaginal, anal and, in rare cases, nasal or ear penetration if need be. He sprinkles pheromones and hormones on every naughty girl and boy - filling their heads with thoughts of tumescent cocks and their loins with burning desire.

Many prepare for this special time with frantic self pleasuring; rubbing and grinding themselves deep into the night. Night after night the month of Cocktober is filled with the moans and groans of the naughty ones. "Deeper, harder, yes, yes, YES" can be heard echoing through the land as cocks are thrust in and out, over and over again.

The final night of this month coincides with Halloween, another harmless holiday focused on costumes and candy, but those who partake in Cocktober have their own celebration on that day: Slutoween. They blend in with the other revelers, but if you look closely, you can pick them out. Treating tricks in their teeny tiny costumes. They are already planning how to be as naughty as possible in order to ensure a return visit from the mighty Priapos next Cocktober.

To do so, they must live by his motto, "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, but rather for whom the cock grows."


About the author

Prior to February 2012, Ms. Stonybrook was serving what she thought was a life sentence of monotonous, monogamous matrimony, only to have her sentence unexpectedly commuted (Read: the schmuck left her for another woman). She is reveling in her new found freedom, and is now a full time student. However, it turns out she will go to great lengths to avoid studying, including writing pieces of this caliber......and lower.