Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

by Anna

"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes." – Stephen Wright

One favorite car and another boyfriend later I find myself relocating and downgrading again .... I mean, downSIZING again. Downsizing - not downgrading - Must. Remember. And, while the tiny house movement is popular, there are lots of us who already live in tiny homes - called efficiency apartments. I’m thinking the only way I could live in less square footage is to commit a felony. 

But how do you know when you live in an efficiency apartment? Let me tell you!

-- The top of your fridge is your pantry

-- The only place to store your pots and pans is in the oven 

-- A toaster or microwave would have to be duct taped to the wall because there’s no counter space

-- There’s only one vent to heat and cool the place

-- The refrigerator has one rack

-- Three light switches control everything

-- The front door and the back door are the same

-- Your best friend walks in for the first time and now it's crowded

-- You always know when your neighbors are makin' up and breakin' up 

At least this winter I won't have a heating bill. I can just light a candle. But I'm not sure of the dating protocol here. If the two of us meet in the hallway, which one of us is supposed to back up?

For your next girlfriends’ get-together have a “small” party with a few friends and tiny hor d’oeuvres. Discuss the “small” things that matter in your lives. And fix this fabulous Mini Mango Moscato - pour into shot glasses.  

Mini Mango Moscato

4 oz moscato

2 oz white rum

2 oz mango juice

1 lime

Shake moscato, rum & mango juice with ice until very well chilled. Pour into shot glasses. Add a squeeze of lime. Makes 5.

Blame-ology

By Tonia

“To err is human, but to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” - Anonymous

Recently I‘ve had overabundant dealings with blameologists. Don’t know what that is?  It’s a person who is able to blame others faster than my ex-boyfriend’s attempts at fore-play. Did I somehow miss that class in high school? I mean, I’m not above blaming the dog for my farts. And I used to blame my messy house and nasty car on my kids (damn them for leaving home!). And I understand how blaming the boss can be a fabulous team building exercise. But, does one need a scapegoat for EVERYTHING?

I guess so, based on our national addiction to responsibility-avoidance. It reminds me of kids deciding who’s going to be IT in a game. Everyone’s screaming, “Not IT!”

Maybe I just need some practice at this blaming thing – you know, so I can fit in better. By God, I’m going to take the gloves off and practice some serious finger pointing RIGHT NOW. Let’s see….

  -- I can blame my messy desk at work on fracking and those damn earthquakes.

  -- I can blame my Sunday morning blood-shot eyes on allergies. Yea, that’s it. ALLERGIES.

  -- I can blame my fork for my recent weight gain.

  -- I can blame Siri for that drunk call to an old boyfriend at 2 AM.

  -- I can blame my underwear for that quickie sex I had in the bathroom the other night.

  -- I can blame global warming for my crab grass.

  -- And, God knows, I can blame my mother for everything else.

So, if you don’t like this post … or this blog … it’s not my fault! Go find your girlfriends and have a Blame-storming party. See how many things you can blame on others. But be sure to fix some Blame It on Rio cocktails! Blaming will never be so fun!

      Blame It on Rio

      ½  oz vodka

      ½  oz spiced rum

      ½  oz coconut rum

      ½  oz amaretto

      ½  oz peach schnapps

      ½  oz banana liqueur

      3 oz pineapple juice

      soda water to taste

      lime

Shake up the vodka, rum, amaretto, peach schnapps, banana liqueur and pineapple juice in a cocktail shaker with ice cubes. Pour into a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Top with soda water, to taste. Squeeze in the juice from a lime wedge. Serve. And, of course, drink!