Buh Bye, SkyMall

By Tonia

"If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?" — George Carlin

I recently flew (yes, in an airplane). As I searched the seat back pocket in front of me for an airline magazine and a SkyMall catalogue, I discovered NO SkyMall catalogue. WTF! Am I the last one to know that SKyMall filed bankruptcy a few weeks ago? Geez.

Besides death and taxes, SkyMall has always been something I could be sure of. Who is going to babysit me now in the airplane if I don’t have SkyMall? What am I supposed to do with all my time if I can’t search for that one God-I-Must-Have-It item among all the kitschy, expensive, unnecessary crap? I mean, my son-in-law seemed delighted with his Armadillo Beer Can Holder that shits peanuts. And the boyfriend assures me that he frequently wears his Pillow Tie to work. And, since Oklahoma allows concealed weapons, the GirlyGoGarter was a perfect gift for my grandmother.

I just feel sick about the bankruptcy. Sure, call me a Shopocondriac but my pain is real. Instead of SkyMall shopping, all I could do on my recent flight was exercise my brain with crossword puzzles and Sudoku – and I’m about as thrilled exercising my brain as I am exercising my body – not to mention that it lowered my self-esteem. Instead of feeling the exhilaration of the shopping FIND, I felt like a word-deficient, number-failing blockhead. At least with SkyMall I felt competent looking at pictures and turning pages.

But I guess SkyMall’s time has passed - like wringer washers, ice boxes, and VCRs. (Well, I actually still use a VCR.) There’s supposed to be an auction in late March. I need to find out where it is so I can get a deal on that Bigfoot Garden Yeti. And, for all you SkyMall haters, at least they never sold flatulence filters, monkey thongs and spray can skin touch up paint for morticians found on Ebay! (Although that mortician touch up spray paint could have saved me a ton of money in what I paid for plastic surgery!)

For your next girlfriends’ get together, don’t wait until the holidays to have a White Elephant gift exchange! Have everyone bring a wrapped kitschy White Elephant gift to swap; serve tacky foods like bacon flavored candy, chia pudding, kale cupcakes, crazy stinky cheese, or turducken; brainstorm a list of the most worthless advice you’ve ever been given. And drink. And say your Good-byes to SkyMall. RIP, SkyMall. RIP.