Swiping Right, Right, Right

By Tonia

“Is it hot in here or is it just our fevers and shortness of breath?”- Twitter @ThunderFerret

I'm single. Really single. So, over the years, I've been on a few (OK......TONS of) dating websites, swiping a little to the right and a lot to the left.

But, in these times of perpetual boredom, I've found myself stalking the sites, swiping myself into a case of severe carpal tunnel. 

While I'm generally pretty selective in my right-swiping,desperate times call for outrageous measures. I mean, it’s such a weird time for all of us, I might as well make it weirder, right? So I've been swiping right just to get a little ….. uh ….. social interaction.

·      Doesn't look homeless? Swipe right.

·      No crotch pictures? Swipe right.

·      Background doesn’t look like he lives in his mother’s basement? Swipe right.

·      Doesn’t have a crazed, psychotic look in his eyes? Swipe right.

·      Spelled more words correctly than incorrectly? Swipe right. 

·    Doesn’t have a pic of himself with 6 kids in the back seat of the car? Swipe right.

·     Smiles in at least one of his pictures? Swipe right.

·     Looks like he has survival skills for the Apocalypse? Swipe right.

Of course there’s no meeting. I mean, I’m not even supposed to touch my own face, much less someone else’s ….. or any other body parts for that matter. Not that the guys aren’t trying to meet! Offers during quarantine:

·      “Can’t spell quarantine without u,r,a,q,t, Wanna meet?”

·      “Hey, do you need toilet paper? Because I could be your Prince Charmin.”

·      “Let’s do drinks at my place before we all get the Rona.”

·      “Whose flat screen is better for a little mutual confinement?”

Since carnal knowledge with new people doesn’t flatten the curve, sexting has become my entire love life now. But, let me tell you, if autocorrect doesn’t spoil the mood, my own ineptness does. Several years ago I accidentally texted a super risqué picture of myself to my daughter. I think she may still be in therapy…..

I also tend to poke fun at the wrong times. An “I want to kiss you all over” text gets “Like all over the house? All over the yard? All over the neighborhood?” as a response. When asked for pics, I can't seem to stop myself from sending the nude meme above and the pic you see here. I truly suck at this (and not in a fun way). Is there a class I can take somewhere? Sexting for Dummies?

But, I guess I’ll keep swiping (should I be wearing gloves?) and see how many men I can continue to terrorize. Ya gotta do something when under house arrest!

So, or your next girlfriends’ party, consider sharing the cheesiest pick-up lines you’ve ever heard. Then maybe admit to your own romantic faux-pas. That may take a few drinks, though.

Bonjour from Quarantaine

By Tonia

Anyone who knows me knows I love to travel. I love to see new places; I love to meet new people; I love to have adventures and tell stories about them afterwards. I recently went to Panama and was planning a trip to Spain and Morocco but…..well…..The Rona.

Living alone and being housebound is kind of the antithesis of all that I love. But I’ve tried to make the best of it. I’ve now counted all the change in my change jar, removed the dog hair from every piece of clothing in my closet, exfoliated my face and feet, read the backs of all my canned goods, plucked all the hair within an inch of my eyebrows…......

So I decided to take a trip. In…my…own…house. Destination: HME

I put on one of those dog hair-free outfits, grabbed my backpack and told Remington to get ready for our vacation (which, by the way, meant that my dog hair-free outfit now had dog hair). We headed straight to the museum (living room) for a viewing of the art.

It wasn’t exactly the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. Hell, it wasn’t even like the Dog Collar Museum in England. It’s theme was more like Affordable Art for the social worker on a budget. As we strolled around the room, I found myself more fascinated by the new cracks in my walls than the art. Remington wanted to know if the pictures of trees were available for peeing.

Next we went to the beach (bathroom). I put on my bathing suit and went for a swim. I couldn’t really swim very far out but Remington kept an eye on me from the beach (bathroom rug). Fortunately I didn’t get my hair wet.

After all that activity we were pretty hungry so we stopped by a little bistro (back yard) and had a snack and some wine. Remington doesn’t usually drink wine (especially out of a glass) but he did don his French beret and try to bark in French. It was a fabulous ending to a very constricted vacation. But, hey, I’m doin’ the best I can.

For your next girlfriends’ get together, hop on Zoom and share your most hilarious vacation experiences!

And don’t forget to wash your hands and clean your keyboard before logging in……