No Break From Spring Break

By Rachel

MY spring break (unlike the KID'S spring break) included scrubbing crayon and marker drawings from my walls, settling disputes over who touched who first, and an emergency trip to the vet (dog hit in the eye during an unsupervised indoor golf game). Even our favorite stores put "No kids allowed" signs in their windows. To save my house and pets from further mayhem, I called a girlfriend to go to the Arboretum. It was a beautiful day and I was looking forward to seeing the spring flowers. Here is a summary of our adventures.....

The drive took a while but you would have thought we had driven for 40 days and 40 nights instead of 40 minutes. I pretended not to see them trample a bed of flowers when they got out of the car. As I surveyed the beautiful scenery, my son ran up to me with a bouquet of stolen flowers......roots and all. How does he get away so fast??

At the fountain the kids wanted to throw in some change so I dumped my purse on the lawn looking for some. Found my missing credit card that I had reported stolen (OOPS!), my husband's missing car keys (OOPS again!) and a reflex checker from the pediatrician's office. I guess my 3 year old put it in my purse when he was getting a check-up. Now I have to make another appointment to slip it back.....

As my girlfriend and I were enjoying the fresh air and horticulture and chatting about how neither of us can even grow a cactus, I suddenly heard a man yelling. I looked up - our kids were IN the fountain picking UP coins! I guess they ran out of money. The only thing left to do was take them home to spend quality time with their father while I made my favorite drink (recipe below) and locked myself in the bathroom to get some alone time.

This drink would be fabulous in a drink fountain for your next girlfriends' get-together!

Sangria Punch
1 orange
1 lime
1 lemon
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup white sugar
1 - 1/2 cups rum
3/4 liter bottle dry red wine (drink the other 1/4 while you are making this drink)

Freeze the orange juice into ice cubes (this will help keep your drinks cold without diluting them). Chill the wine, fruit and rum.

Slice the orange, lime and lemon into thin, round slices and place in a large pitcher. Add the rum and sugar. Chill for 2 hours to allow flavors to cultivate.

To serve, crush the fruit lightly with a spoon and stir in the wine. Add the orange juice cubes. Serve in your favorite drink fountain or pitcher. Enjoy!

Dumped by My Gynecologist

By Tonia

My gynecologist recently broke up with me. Got the Dear Jane letter. I could hear Hit the Road, Jack in the background. She said it wasn’t me – it was her, “I have made a decision to conclude my practice and take my career in a different direction. It has been a privilege to be your physician.” WTF? I know what to do when a lover breaks it off - simply destroy the remote control. But this…. 

When I think of her I am flooded with memories - of butcher paper and latex gloves; of stur-ups and refrigerated metal devices; of boob massages and backless gowns. **Tearing up** Sometimes I can still hear her voice, “Scoot down, scoot down. Just a little more.” 

I’m left with so many questions. Was she in some kind of a pickle? Did she have vagina burn-out? Did she go over to the dark side - of scrotum? Did she leave the little stool on wheels to become hell on wheels? 

All of this left me inspired to create a break-up party. If one of your girlfriends has recently ended a relationship, support her by having a He Stinks or She Stinks party (depending on her orientation!). Print off the Dear John/Dear Jane “letter” below and have her check off the answers that best apply. Then make blank copies for all your guests and ask them to check off the answers that they THINK the guest of honor has selected. The person with the greatest number of correct responses wins the ex! HA!!

Dear _______ :

Well, it was good while it lasted, but now _______ 

___ the county health department wants your phone number.
___ I need to go have some good sex.
___ I must go fumigate my bed.

___ I need to go find my jewelry that you hocked.

I no longer feel the need to _______

___ fall for partners who won’t catch me.

___ pretend to have a headache.

___ pretend to have an orgasm.

___ embrace all that is bad for me.

In fact, I’d rather _______ than be with you.

___ change my sexual orientation

___ use a prickly dildo

___ stick myself in the eye with an ice pick

___ have my whole body waxed

I like myself too much to ______

___ stay and watch the flame of love get torched.

___ stay and continue to have nightmares about sex with you.

___ pay for another date with you.

___ see you naked again.

But call me if you ever need ______

___ a pallbearer.

___ someone to pack your parachute before you go ski diving.

___ someone to slap some sense into you.

___ a ride to the asylum.

Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)

Celebrate Me Because I’m Hot, Single and Fabulous!

By Anna

"I don't have a baby. Everyone drink!" – Samantha, from Sex in the City

I’ve been to more bridal and baby showers than Lindsey Lohan has relapsed. I figure with the money I’ve spent buying gifts, decorations, drinks, food, sex toys & cab fares, I could have bought myself a new Range Rover. Seen too many women wrapped in toilet paper bridal gowns; seen too many brides-to-be miss all the questions about their fiancées; seen too many candy bars and baby food in diapers. It makes me wonder, why don’t men host these things? What is it about having tits that makes hosting and attending showers MANdatory?

I HAVE attended a few memorable showers:

(1) A drinking game at a baby shower based on when anyone said “Awwww…” at a gift. Prissy office girl got plastered out of her mind and told us more information about her sex life than any of us cared to know. Said she had developed a closet pot smoking habit to try to cope. TMI!!

(2) Showing porn at a bridal shower. The bride-to-be seemed shocked - but was secretly taking notes on a napkin in her purse. New hubby should have sent us a thank-you note!

(3) A trick on the bachelorette. After she irritatingly kept calling her fiancé all night during her bachelorette party, a friend stole her phone, changed the fiancé’s number to her number, and reset the voicemail telling her she was no longer allowed to call her sweetie. The expression on that bachelorette’s face the next time she tried to call was priceless.

I love my girlfriends and I love girlfriend get-togethers, but why do I have to get married or have a baby to be the guest of honor at a freakin’ shower?! I’ve graduated from college, gotten promotions, and even gotten engaged…euh, twice. I want a shower! We could call it the FOREVER Bachelorette Party – or the Create a New Love Nest Shower.

I want to pick my colors, invitations and venue. I want balloons, a cake, chips, dips and all that crap. I want to register at Pier 1 and Condom Sense for an upgrade in ambience and preparedness. 

So, a fabulous excuse for a girlfriend get-together is a shower all about ME…. .or you. Celebrate with Cosmos and bring that sexy back! You could create a personalized scavenger hunt or pub crawl. Tell all the bartenders you’re celebrating being hot, single and fabulous! Now give me my free drink!

All About ME Tini (aka Cosmo)

1 oz. freshly squeezed lemon juice                       

1 oz. cranberry juice

1 oz. Cointreau

2 oz. Vodka

In cocktail shaker add all ingredients. Top with ice cubes. Shake like Mr. Big is watching you. Strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish, if you like, with lemon slice on rim of glass. 

Here’s the Dirt

By Tonia

I love to garden. I sometimes garden in the dark by flashlight. Hell, I’ve even been known to pull weeds and deadhead marigolds at the fast food drive-through. Gotta’ love an activity where you don't have to shower or comb your hair to show up. I only have to slap on the SPF 1,200 sunscreen so my age spots don’t look like age stamps.

I grow lots of hostas because I have mostly shade (which is great for my outdoor parties). There are a bazillion different kinds. I like the ones that remind me of…uh…other pleasures – the Big Kahuna, Little Stiffy, Get Nekkid, Nooner, Striptease, Feather Boa and Risky Business.

But I do have some gardening handicaps – mainly 2 Siberian Huskies. When I plant, I see them watching with evil anticipation. “Can I pee on this? Chew on it? Dig it up?” Damn canines. I did learn a little gardening trick, though, to keep them off – put their feces on the area. They won’t go near it. After years earning a PhD, I’m now a dog shit hunter and mover.

But what does all this have to do with women’s parties? Well, a great way to indulge in two pleasures (not the one alluded to with the hostas) is to get together with your gardening girlfriends and swap clippings and/or seeds from your garden. Girlfriend fun AND stuff for the garden!

A cute refreshment/table decoration to serve is Potted Carrots.

Ingredients:

Hummus

Baby carrots

Curly parsley

Supplies:

3 oz cups

Mini terra cotta pots

Directions:

Spoon 3 tablespoons of hummus into each paper cup

Poke a hole in the top of each carrot and place a sprig of parsley into each hole

Then “plant” 3-4 carrots in the hummus.

Put the cups in the mini terra-cotta pots and enjoy!

Will Work (out) for Childcare

By Rachel

I am a tax season widow – hubby is a CPA. The other morning I caught a glimpse of him and almost called the police. I thought a stranger had broken into the house! 

So guess who wrestles with the kids 24/7 these days? Moi. I wanted to duct tape them both to the wall when I found out the gym has free childcare. OMG….FREE childcare! I hadn’t worked out in 10 years but, hey, it was FREE childcare! So I dug out some old work out clothes and headed off for the gym..... 

MONDAY

I felt a little dated with my neon pink leotard, matching tights and scrunchie. Guess the kids were embarrassed by my attire because they acted like they didn’t know me when I picked them up. They kept screaming something like “Stranger danger!” Brats! Had to go shopping for new workout clothes.

TUESDAY

I felt sexy in my new workout clothes and decided to try the Spinning class. Sweating like a nun in a field of cucumbers and praying for the end of class, I heard the instructor announce the end of warm up and to turn the resistance knobs on our bikes. I promptly fell off the two-wheeled devil-machine (bike) and had a herd of anorexic-wanna-be-fitness instructors ask if I was OK. I decided it was safer to go lift free weights.

WEDNESDAY

I woke up and couldn’t move my arms - had to carefully roll myself out of bed. I told the kids to just eat out of the ‘frig because I couldn’t reach for bowls. I considered brushing my teeth by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I decided to take it easy and walk the indoor track at the gym. The man in a back-brace made better time than I did.

THURSDAY

I woke up and every part of my body hurt. My kids thought it was funny to poke me and hear me scream. I had to take them back to the free childcare so they would leave me alone. But this time I hid out in the locker room to read a book. I avoided the evil glare of the front desk lady who came in every 10 minutes to see if I was still hiding out.

FRIDAY

I decided to stay home, let the kids run amuck and reward myself with one of my favorite desserts. These would be perfect for your Friday night girlfriends’ get together. Lots of calories to reward yourself with!

Chocolate Covered Oreos

12 oz bag Ghiridelli Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

12 oz bag peanut butter chips

1 package of Oreos

12 oz bag of white chocolate chips (for piping, if desired)

Sprinkles or other decorations if desired

In a double broiler, melt the chocolate and peanut butter chips. Stir until creamy. Dip Oreo into mixture and set on wax paper until firm. If you want to decorate with white chocolate chips, melt the white chocolate chips and add to piping bag or freezer bag with small hole in the end for easy decorating. Enjoy!!

Note: Sprinkles or other decorations must be added before the chocolate hardens.

Scavenger Hunt

By Tonia

My life is a one big scavenger hunt. Every day I search for my glasses, my keys, my purse, my phone, my brush, my coffee…..sometimes even my vibrator. Well, that’s not a DAILY search - more like a weekly search…..but…..oh, never mind. My life is a regular game of Hide-and–Seek with myself. The problem is – I’m always IT.

So, I got to thinking, wouldn’t this be more fun with girlfriends? We could SHARE the hunt. We could EXPAND the hunt. We could be GODDESSES of the hunt!

So here is my party idea. There are two versions depending on whether or not you want to make it a walking hunt or a car hunt.

WALKING HUNT VERSION

Get a group of girlfriends together and divide up into teams: 3-4 women per team is best. Make sure that each team has a digital camera. Everyone meet at a “cool” part of town; a part of town that has lots of bars, restaurants and shops within walking distance. Give everyone a list of places where they must go to pose with the suggested props (see below for suggestions). The rule is that every woman from the team must have a picture taken before the team can move on to the next location. The first team back to the designated location wins. 

When everyone has returned, be sure to order drinks and share pictures.

STOP #1

PLACE: Somewhere where lovers like to meet

POSE: Your best sexy look

STOP #2

PLACE: A restaurant where no one in the group has ever been
POSE: Kissing the cutest wait staff person
STOP #3

PLACE: A coffee shop

POSE: Bug eyed with 3 empty cups in front of you

STOP #4

PLACE: A bar

POSE: Sitting on top of the bar (yes, your butt on the bar top)

CAR HUNT VERSION

Get a group of girlfriends together and divide up into cars: 3-4 women per car is best. Make sure that each car has a digital camera. Give everyone a list of places where they must go to pose with the suggested props (see below for suggestions). The rule is that every woman from the car must have a picture taken before the group can move on to the next location. The first group back to the house (without a speeding ticket) wins.

When everyone has returned, be sure to fix drinks and share the pictures.

STOP #1
PLACE: Any department store
PROPS: Purses
POSE: Holding 11 purses - five on each arm and one under the chin

STOP #2

PLACE: Any drugstore

PROPS: A pregnancy test and a box of tampons

POSE: Pregnancy test in one hand, tampons in the other, shrugging your shoulders

STOP #3

PLACE: Any grocery store
PROPS: Two melons, cantaloupes or large pieces of fruit
POSE: Holding the fruit up as breasts, give your sexiest look
STOP #4

PLACE: Any bookstore

PROPS: A large book about sex

POSE: Opening the book, pretend to be reading it (or at least looking at the pictures) with your most interested expression

Have fun and be safe!