Dumped by My Gynecologist

By Tonia

My gynecologist recently broke up with me. Got the Dear Jane letter. I could hear Hit the Road, Jack in the background. She said it wasn’t me – it was her, “I have made a decision to conclude my practice and take my career in a different direction. It has been a privilege to be your physician.” WTF? I know what to do when a lover breaks it off - simply destroy the remote control. But this…. 

When I think of her I am flooded with memories - of butcher paper and latex gloves; of stur-ups and refrigerated metal devices; of boob massages and backless gowns. **Tearing up** Sometimes I can still hear her voice, “Scoot down, scoot down. Just a little more.” 

I’m left with so many questions. Was she in some kind of a pickle? Did she have vagina burn-out? Did she go over to the dark side - of scrotum? Did she leave the little stool on wheels to become hell on wheels? 

All of this left me inspired to create a break-up party. If one of your girlfriends has recently ended a relationship, support her by having a He Stinks or She Stinks party (depending on her orientation!). Print off the Dear John/Dear Jane “letter” below and have her check off the answers that best apply. Then make blank copies for all your guests and ask them to check off the answers that they THINK the guest of honor has selected. The person with the greatest number of correct responses wins the ex! HA!!

Dear _______ :

Well, it was good while it lasted, but now _______ 

___ the county health department wants your phone number.
___ I need to go have some good sex.
___ I must go fumigate my bed.

___ I need to go find my jewelry that you hocked.

I no longer feel the need to _______

___ fall for partners who won’t catch me.

___ pretend to have a headache.

___ pretend to have an orgasm.

___ embrace all that is bad for me.

In fact, I’d rather _______ than be with you.

___ change my sexual orientation

___ use a prickly dildo

___ stick myself in the eye with an ice pick

___ have my whole body waxed

I like myself too much to ______

___ stay and watch the flame of love get torched.

___ stay and continue to have nightmares about sex with you.

___ pay for another date with you.

___ see you naked again.

But call me if you ever need ______

___ a pallbearer.

___ someone to pack your parachute before you go ski diving.

___ someone to slap some sense into you.

___ a ride to the asylum.

Sincerely glad to not be yours,
(signature)