Keepin’ It Alive: Vagina Care

By Tonia

“Charlotte: ‘Oh, my God! Vagina weights!’

Samantha: ‘Honey, my vagina waits for no man.’” – from Sex in the City

I went to the gynecologist a few weeks ago with … well … problems. Was diagnosed with “Vaginal Atrophy.” WHAT??? I mean, doesn’t a muscle atrophy when it goes unused for long periods of time? For the love of God, I may not be getting laid very often but I DO use a vibrator. Doesn’t that count for a relationship ... I mean ... for vagina use? Now I'm tempted to think of my vagina as a deteriorating, withered, cracked wasteland – a shell of its former Va-Jay-Jay glory.

I discovered that Vaginal Atrophy is an inflammation of the vagina due to decreased mucous secretions - part of the whole post-menopause thing. Guess my pussy has gone the way of my face – dry, drier, and DRYEST. Now I’m the Sahara Desert inside and out. I should have gotten a clue that I was drying up when, in the mornings, I had to pry my top lip off my teeth. I wonder if Estee Lauder has ‘gina moisturizers.

I thought that being post menopausal was going to be a GOOD thing. My children aren’t afraid of me any more; I don’t have to label things to remember what they are called; I no longer fantasize about living in the freezer. But it looks like I’ve gained all that just to suffer with Vaginal Atrophy.

Never one to moan and bitch TOO long I have researched some solutions:

(1) Water soluble lubricants. My car and I will both be getting lube jobs now. At least I don’t have to make an appointment for mine. While my partner is waiting for his Viagra to kick in, I’ll be applying my K-Y. Is K-Y cheaper if you order it by the case?

(2) Vaginally administered estrogen creams. You’ll need a prescription for this - which, of course, will mean an appointment in the stirrups. Ride ‘em, Cowgirl! But I want to know - what happens if my partner gets some of it on his penis? Does he grow breasts? Does his voice change?

(3) Regular sexual activity. Finally a solution that I can climb on…I mean, live with! Good sex = sending my vagina to the gym for a work out. I knew there could be a happy ending to this.

Girlfriend Party ideas? I say get your book club together and read Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex by Joan Price. It’s an honest and frank book about senior sexuality - the changes, the challenges, the surprises, and the delights. Discuss it; share your own experiences. Have some fun and get some ideas!

Come Up and See Me Sometime

By Tonia

“A dame that knows the ropes ain't likely to get tied up.” - Mae West

Some girlfriends and I recently went to see a stage production of Mae West’s play, Sex. It was in a funky, back street theatre that had bleachers and folding chairs for seating. We had to use the GPS to find it, but it was well worth the navigation arguments in the car. (Still love ya, Anna.) Ya gotta’ love a theatre that sells Boone’s Farm and popcorn for refreshments. Pay attention, AMC!

The play was about Margy, a prostitute, who follows her own true path. She refuses to conform to society’s demands and lives an adventure-filled life that takes her from Canada to the Caribbean to Connecticut (guess she was working on the letter C - including her her happiest place, Clitorus-ville). It’s a story that reflects much of Mae West’s (and my) own philosophy about living life on one’s own terms. 

Mae was arrested on obscenity charges the first night that Sex was performed. I was willing to go to jail once for something I believed in - but decided I didn’t look good in an orange. Not on my color chart. Besides, I wasn’t sure that my family would bail me out.

Mae was more than just a bombshell. She was one of the first women to consistently write the plays and movies that she starred in. Her second film, She Done Him Wrong, was even nominated for an Academy Award as Best Picture. At one point in her career, she was Hollywood's highest paid star and, unlike many other actresses, she ALWAYS remained in charge of her own career and her own life. She played leading ladies into her 50s and worked into her 70s (maybe there's still hope for me). She was also a friend to gays. An inspiration.

And I’ll always love her for her wit - her innuendo and double entendre that poked at a puritanical culture. Things like:

--“I do all my writing in bed; everybody knows I do my best work there.”

--“When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better.”

--“A hard man is good to find.”

--“It's not the man in your life that counts. It's the life in your man.”

--“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

So, for one of your girlfriends’ parties, honor the spirit of Mae West by renting one of her movies and having a discussion about ways you've been (or would like to be) in charge of your own life. Tell us about them here, too! We want to support you!

Get Out the Ropes and Handcuffs

By Tonia

“Go in peace my daughter. And remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman.” Queen Hippolyte

Awwww…..Wonder Woman. That fabulous Amazon woman who taught us the way to success is through personal strength – not through a relationship with a man. Of course super powers are nice, too. Personally, I’d be happy with just some normal powers - like the power to match my Tupperware lids to their containers and to find my sock mates in the dryer.

Better than Batman and Superman, Wonder Woman battled injustice with intelligence and love. Gloria Steinem proudly put her on the cover of the first Ms. Magazine as a representation of brains, free spiritedness, and strength. But I also love her for her great sexual presence - both in body image and in costume design. I’m just not sure how she fought crime in those damn boots.

Actually, early issues of the Wonder Woman comic book repeatedly showed characters being tied up and spanked. Hmmmmm. Ya gotta’ love a woman who knows how to give a spanking!

The history of Wonder Woman is also a fabulous example for women’s parties. On Paradise Island (where she came from), women ruled for over 3,000 years. Their entertainment included games of dressing up as stags and running through the forest chasing each other.

So, I’m thinking that in honor of Wonder Woman - and Linda Carter, who taught us how to run strapless - a Wonder Woman party is definitely a girlfriends’ party worth having. Who doesn’t want to dress up as Wonder Woman? Seriously. Starry panties. A lasso of truth. Bullet deflecting bracelets. A boomerang tiara. An outfit for the party AND for fun and games with your significant other later at home!

Game Suggestions for your Wonder Woman party:

(1) Sock it to Me – Handcuff four guests so that their hands are behind their backs. Place a pile of six single socks in front of each one, only two of which that match. See who can find the match and fold/roll them together into a ball. First one to complete the task wins.

(2) If I Had the Power – Ask guests to write down on index cards two things they would do if they had the power to do it (one humorous and one serious). Mark each one with a different letter of the alphabet (A, B, C, etc) and lay them all out on a table. Then give each guest a piece of paper and ask them to match the letter with each guest. See who has the most correct answers.

(3) Toss the Tiara – Use tiaras instead of horseshoes to toss at a stake. Or use a wig head. Or a plastic penis.

Takin' Care of 'The Girls'

by Tonia

“Women’s breasts are like martinis. One isn’t enough and three is too many.” - unknown

Last week I decided to go bra shopping. My ‘girls’ needed a lift in spirits and, more importantly, a lift from gravity. I was losing the wrestling match to keep my strapless bra off my waist. I wanted to strip it off and shoot it across the store - but it was the only thing keeping my boobs from hanging down to my vagina. 

I decided I would consult with a “bra specialist.” It had been several years since I had been fitted and there had been a few changes. Well, maybe more than a few. You know, things like weight fluctuations …. pregnancies …. breast feeding …. hormone changes. Yea, it was time to get refitted. When the very nice bra specialist took me into the dressing room and looked at my sagging bra she said, “Oh, my.” Translation: “Lady, were your born in a barn? Why did you even fucking bother?” But she very politely measured me, holding back her gales of laughter.

Then she left to get some bras, leaving me topless under the disapproving florescent lights. (Hell, by the way, will have florescent lighting.) While she was gone, some over-sugared, hyperactive kid pushed my door open so that all the male Christmas shoppers could catch a glimpse of my newly liberated ta-tas. Certainly this was a Christmas bonus for them and for those who view the security camera tapes. I better not see this on YouTube. I want royalties.

But back to the bra fitting: I have always worn a bra in the 32-34 B/C range, but, after this bra lady’s measurement, she informed me that I SHOULD be wearing a 30 DD. Had she been smoking crack in the naughty nightgown department while I had been flashing the girls to random shoppers? These girls could NOT be DDs!

I started to argue with her but she quickly shut me up by explaining that 80% of women wear the wrong size bra. Looks like I may be one of them. And it turns out that the most common mistake women make is wearing bras that are too loose around the back and too small in the cups. Most women who wear an "average" 36C bra should actually be wearing either a 34D, 34DD, 32DD or 32E. And the cup sizes are in proportion to the band size, so a DD cup is not the same size in a 30 inch band as it is in a 36 inch band size. Hmmmmmm.......

Well, the story has a happy ending. I found some bras that keep my girls tucked in and at attention without pain, reduced oxygen, strap marks or wrestling matches. They're happy so I'm happy.

So, if you want to celebrate ta-tas at your next girlfriends get together, here are some party suggestions:

  (1) Invite a bra specialist and find out everyone's REAL bra size
   (2) Have everyone bring a bra and bedazzle them with all kinds of jewels, feathers,      decorations, etc.
    (3) Have guests write down their first "Second Base" stories (i.e. first time getting "felt up") and see if everyone can guess whose story belongs to who
    (4) Ask guests to sketch ideas for alternative uses for old bras (i.e. toe warmers, a toddler harness, a sling shot, etc.)
     (5) Do something for Breast Cancer Awareness

Bake Sale Drama

By Rachel

“I have CDO. Its like OCD but the letters are in the right order like they should be.” – Unknown

Recently, I served as the chairwoman of a bake sale to raise money for our local women’s shelter. It was a great cause and I was happy to do it. I tend to overcommit myself and like always, I had several other obligations along with the bake sale. Now you need to understand that when I get stressed or overwhelmed, my OCD kicks in and I tend to do things WAY over the top …… and then later deal with the aftermath.

Here's what happened: people began dropping off their baked goods at my house. I could see that they were packaged in less than attractive ways – one was wrapped in 4^th of July bags and a few looked like they had been tossed from the car window. They certainly didn't match my fall themed table décor. I found myself preoccupied with this disaster and HAD to fix it. So I decided to redecorate/repackage the items so that everything matched my color scheme. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and tore through all of my fall decorations. My husband was mortified when he saw what I was doing. He told me I needed professional help. If I had a dime for every time he has said that to me, I'd have $ 6,237.40. Geez. I told him to mind his own friggin’ business. (Someone needs to tell my husband that these are dangerous conversations to have at 3 a.m. when I am in an OCD rampage.)

When the day of the sale arrived, a few of us showed up early to set up the table. It was then that I realized I had gone waaaaay too far. Women asked me where their baked goods were. Shit! I pretended not to hear them or I changed the subject.  I ended up buying some of the items I had completely redone just to hide the evidence. Maybe I should seek therapy for this….

The next time you and your friends get together, make this fabulous Pumpkin Spice Cake. But don't invite me. I might do something to it. 

Pumpkin Spice Cake

1 box yellow cake mix

1 cup canned pumpkin

¾ cup light brown sugar

½ cup vegetable oil

2 teaspoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon nutmeg

1 teaspoon allspice

4 eggs

For glaze:

1 cup butter

1 cup light brown sugar

1 to 1.5 cup chopped pecans or walnuts

Combine cake mix, pumpkin, brown sugar, oil, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice. Beat for 1 minute. Add eggs. Beat 2 minutes more. Pour ½ cake mixture into greased bundt pan. For topping (glaze), melt butter with brown sugar. Add nuts. Pour half of glaze mixture on top of cake batter. Pour remaining cake batter on top of glaze. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 – 50 minutes or until top is springy to the touch and a wooden toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool in pan for 15 minutes, then invert onto plate. When completely cool, drizzle remaining topping (glaze) on cake.