Takin' Care of 'The Girls'

by Tonia

“Women’s breasts are like martinis. One isn’t enough and three is too many.” - unknown

Last week I decided to go bra shopping. My ‘girls’ needed a lift in spirits and, more importantly, a lift from gravity. I was losing the wrestling match to keep my strapless bra off my waist. I wanted to strip it off and shoot it across the store - but it was the only thing keeping my boobs from hanging down to my vagina. 

I decided I would consult with a “bra specialist.” It had been several years since I had been fitted and there had been a few changes. Well, maybe more than a few. You know, things like weight fluctuations …. pregnancies …. breast feeding …. hormone changes. Yea, it was time to get refitted. When the very nice bra specialist took me into the dressing room and looked at my sagging bra she said, “Oh, my.” Translation: “Lady, were your born in a barn? Why did you even fucking bother?” But she very politely measured me, holding back her gales of laughter.

Then she left to get some bras, leaving me topless under the disapproving florescent lights. (Hell, by the way, will have florescent lighting.) While she was gone, some over-sugared, hyperactive kid pushed my door open so that all the male Christmas shoppers could catch a glimpse of my newly liberated ta-tas. Certainly this was a Christmas bonus for them and for those who view the security camera tapes. I better not see this on YouTube. I want royalties.

But back to the bra fitting: I have always worn a bra in the 32-34 B/C range, but, after this bra lady’s measurement, she informed me that I SHOULD be wearing a 30 DD. Had she been smoking crack in the naughty nightgown department while I had been flashing the girls to random shoppers? These girls could NOT be DDs!

I started to argue with her but she quickly shut me up by explaining that 80% of women wear the wrong size bra. Looks like I may be one of them. And it turns out that the most common mistake women make is wearing bras that are too loose around the back and too small in the cups. Most women who wear an "average" 36C bra should actually be wearing either a 34D, 34DD, 32DD or 32E. And the cup sizes are in proportion to the band size, so a DD cup is not the same size in a 30 inch band as it is in a 36 inch band size. Hmmmmmm.......

Well, the story has a happy ending. I found some bras that keep my girls tucked in and at attention without pain, reduced oxygen, strap marks or wrestling matches. They're happy so I'm happy.

So, if you want to celebrate ta-tas at your next girlfriends get together, here are some party suggestions:

  (1) Invite a bra specialist and find out everyone's REAL bra size
   (2) Have everyone bring a bra and bedazzle them with all kinds of jewels, feathers,      decorations, etc.
    (3) Have guests write down their first "Second Base" stories (i.e. first time getting "felt up") and see if everyone can guess whose story belongs to who
    (4) Ask guests to sketch ideas for alternative uses for old bras (i.e. toe warmers, a toddler harness, a sling shot, etc.)
     (5) Do something for Breast Cancer Awareness