Room Motherzilla

by Rachel

I’m one of THOSE moms. The kind you love to hate. I’m a driven, obsessive-compulsive, competitive, do-it-up-big, overachieving, get-the-hell-out-of-my-way mom. If I could keep this at home I might actually get my closets cleaned but NOOOOOOOO, I have to take it public. I’m a homeroom mother.

As homeroom mother I organized the 3rd grade Valentine’s party this year. Spending weeks and weeks and weeks in preparation, my husband threatened to put valium in my coffee if I didn’t chill out. I. Couldn’t. Stop. Myself.

After all the prep work, it took me three trips to the school to unload all of the party crap items. Then I had to negotiate extra set-up time from the teacher because I had so much party crap stuff. When I actually got to the room and hurriedly started setting up, I broke out in a sweat. I then realized that, in my haste, I forgot to put on deodorant. No time now to run home. Had to improvise. I decided to use some anti-bacterial wipes.

As I was scrubbing my armpits with the vigor of an adolescent boy with his joy stick, the principal walked in. We made eye contact - followed by weeks moments of painful silence. I couldn’t think of anything to say other than “Would you like a wipe?”

The actual party was like crack sugar-addicted kids gone psychotic. That’s what happens when overachieving moms bring too many desserts. The Cupid game which was supposed to be kids shooting arrows at targets (but was modified due to the school’s no weapons policy) became the Cupid dart gun riot. Using straws to blow Q-tips, Q-tips flew flew through the air like poison darts in an African hunt!

When the party was over other parents had to load party crap gear in their cars and follow me home because, of course, it wouldn’t all fit in my car. Overachiever does NOT equal perfect mom. In fact, perfect moms are a myth – kind of like men who genuinely want to help out around the house – they don’t exist.

For your next girlfriends party, make these fabulous chocolate chip cookies and keep the Q-tips out of the kitchen:

Divine Chocolate Chip Cookies

½ cup cocoa powder

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup softened butter

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

¾ cup brown sugar

¾ cup white sugar

2 eggs

1.5 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 package of chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix the cocoa powder, flour, baking soda, and salt. In a separate bowl, cream the sugars, butter, eggs and vanilla. Stir in the flour mixture. Add the chocolate chips. Drop by heaped teaspoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake 9 to 12 minutes, or until edges are golden brown. Allow to cool on the baking sheet for 1 minute prior to placing on a wire rack to cool completely.