Pedicure Virgin

By Tonia

“Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.” –Unknown

Recently a friend of mine bought me a pedicure. I’d been a pedicure virgin. That’s right. At fifty-something I’d never been touched by anyone’s polishing tool; never been stroked by the pedicurist’s hands; never felt the afterglow of being finely serviced.  I’d been holding out for Kevin Costner – hoping he’d paint my toenails like he did for Susan Saradon in Bull Durham. But I’ve been waiting since 1988 so I guess that’s not going to happen.

I HAVE painted my own toenails. My self-administered pedicures were done leaning over my knees on the toilet or pulling a knee up to an ear lobe in order to get a foot in my lap. These contortions really should qualify me as an Olympian athlete…. they CERTAINLY didn’t qualify me as a pedicurist.

And, by the way, the sight of middle-aged women’s feet is not for the faint-hearted. Only other women actually have the stomach for it – kinda’ like childbirth and baby diarrhea. The layers of dead skin is like the rings that grow on a tree each year. And, when you’re getting as old as I am, those layers are getting pretty dense!

My own feet have their own special challenges. I have one toenail that is particularly thick and needs a hacksaw to trim it. I could have hired a blacksmith instead of a pedicurist. And then there are my little toes which turn sideways like they’re looking to leave the other toes. Don’t know what pissed them off exactly, but they have been very antisocial with the others.

But the pedicure was fabulous. I highly recommend them. So get a group of girlfriends together to go get pedicures. Take some Drunken Gummy Bears with you as a snack. No one in the salon will ever know that you are eating your liquor. Check out the recipe HERE at the Sweetest Temptations. Their stuff is FABULOUS!

House of Horrors

by Rachel

We recently sold our house and have been looking for a new one. I've been on a whirlwind tour of old houses, new houses, tall houses, short houses, fat houses, skinny houses; houses that looked like the psychotic kids were in charge of the upkeep; houses that looked like Monk lived there. We saw so many houses they started to become a blur so we started naming them, i.e. the “Western Saloon House” and the “Pepto Pink House.” Need I say more?

During our house tours we’ve been fortunate to be able to dump drop off the kids at friends' houses for playdates. Well … until last weekend.

Our realtor lined up 2 houses for us to look at. We had the kids with us. We survived the first tour but the second one ..... holy crap. I told the hubby to watch the kids while I toured with the agent (sucker!). He decided to return a call to his friend about playing golf. The kids seized the opportunity to go berserk, knowing we wouldn't beat them senseless in front of the realtor. First, they found the pantry and decided to fix themselves a snack. Then my son began playing “shoot ‘em up and knock ‘em down” with the Precious Moments figurines in the formal dining area. My daughter saw a cat outside and let it in, assuming it was the owners'. She figured out it didn't live there when the dogs went berserk and chased the cat ALL OVER the house. We finally got the damn cat out and cleaned up the mess. The agent faked a “forgotten appointment” excuse so she could escape us. I gave husband the “silent treatment” all of the way home - a heck of a lot better than what I WANTED to say to him!

So, if your girlfriends like house hunting, invite them over to watch HGTV’s House Hunters while you play this House Hunters Drinking Game. Click HERE for how to play the game and, if you get a chance, make these fabulous chocolate chip cookies. But if you don’t get to make the cookies, don’t worry about it … you will have had so much to drink you won’t even care!

Amazing Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup softened butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup white sugar

2 eggs

2.5 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups flour

1 cup ground oatmeal

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream together both sugars and butter until smooth. Beat in the eggs and then add vanilla. Add baking soda and salt and then stir. Stir in flour and then add chocolate chips. Drop by large spoonfuls onto ungreased pans. Bake for about 10 minutes, or until edges are browned.

Poker Bitch

By Tonia

“Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.” - Unknown

I love to play poker. Pretty much suck at it, though. In fact, I recently hosted a poker party where I taught everyone how to play but ended up the Big Loser – down $7 when we only bought $5 worth of chips. Don’t ask. It was better than taking my clothes off. My chances of getting a Royal Flush were better in the bathroom than at that poker table.

I actually used to have Bathroom Poker Parties. Everyone would come in “powder room” attire: PJs, face cream, hair rollers, etc. I would fill the bathtub up with ice for the beer, and use one of those room wraps to create a casino. While playing cards we would turn on the bathroom fan and smoke cigars. Well, TRY to smoke cigars. We usually couldn’t keep them lit so we did other obnoxious things with them. (Sometimes a cigar isn’t just a cigar.)

One time I was out of town visiting some friends and we decided to have a girls’ poker night so I ran to the store to pick up some cards. About the third hand my friend had a pair of aces –aces of spades. Turned out I had bought pinochle cards instead of poker cards. Who knew? We played on, though. Didn’t let a little thing like cards screw up our poker game.

I HIGHLY advise a girlfriends’ get together for poker! Even if you don’t know how to play, you can look up the rules for great variations of poker like Follow the Bitch, Guts, Roll Your Own, and Crazy Pineapple. And, besides the traditional poker finger foods, make some of these adorable poker cookies at BigFatCook – Click HERE 

Outlawed Sex

By Tonia

“Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.” From Murphy’s Laws of Love

Today’s blog is about unusual sex laws that are still on the books. Pay close attention as these laws may be applicable in your state and you do not want to be arrested. I, personally, look terrible in orange.

In Bozeman, Montana, it's illegal to have intercourse with a person of the opposite sex on the front lawn after sundown if the participants are nude. I think you can get around this one if you have sex with someone of the same sex … or leave at least one sock on.

In Newcastle, Wyoming, there is a law which prohibits a couple from having intercourse standing inside a market's walk-in-meat freezer. This one is easy. Simply lay down …. and hope to God your ass doesn’t stick to the freezer floor!

The entire state of New Mexico does not allow a couple to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch breaks and if the vehicle has curtains. For God’s sake, take those curtains down! Let us watch!

In Cleveland, Ohio, a woman may not wear patent-leather shoes and a skirt at the same time because a man might see the reflection of her va-jay-jay in her shoes. This law brings shoe porn to a whole new level. My thoughts: if you’re wearing patent-leather, tap dance your way through the day. Hard to catch a reflection that way.

In Clinton, Oklahoma, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people have sex in a car. Maybe those New Mexicans can send their car curtains. Other advice: see if the couple will move to the lawn. After all, it’s not Bozeman, Montana!

In Willowdale, Oregon, men must pay a fine if they talk 'dirty' during sex. Since this law is gender specific to men, I think we’re OK here, ladies. Talk as dirty as you like!

According to the law in Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun while his female partner has an orgasm. Wow. Not even sure what to say here. WTF???

For your next girlfriends’ get-together be sure to have some Sex-on-the-Beach (if it’s not illegal in your state, of course!). Here’s our recipe:

Sex on the Beach:

Pour the following into a shaker with ice cubes:

1.5 oz of vodka  

1 oz of peach schnapps

2 oz of orange juice

2 oz of cranberry juice

Shake well; strain into a glass; garnish with an orange slice and maraschino cherries. Enjoy!! (But don’t be shooting off any guns when you drink!)

Women's Bodies in Time Travel

By Tonia

Question: When is a woman who’s not pregnant actually pregnant?

Answer: When she lives in Arizona.

Einstein theorized that time travel was possible. I’m a believer. I’m watching women’s rights go back in time……back to a time when pushing out babies was a woman's only purpose. Back to a time when it was believed that “the uterus has naturally an incredible desire to conceive and procreate.” 

Gosh, I’ve had some incredible desires in my lady parts but none of them were for making a baby. Most of my “incredible desires” were for … uh … the Big O.

Seriously. Birth control only for medical purposes? I foresee LOTS of women with medical problems in the future! In some states there is even proposed legislation that women can only get insurance coverage for the pill if their companies approve birth control. Really? If this passes, be sure to ask your boss if lunch is on the approved list of foods! And certainly stay away from bananas and cucumbers. You know how sexually dangerous THOSE things can be!

When did legislators become so interested in the most personal aspects of women’s bodies? Let’s all write letters to our Congressmen updating them on our periods (color, flow, cramps, etc), our pregnancies (weight changes, stretch marks, mucus plugs, etc.) and our menopause (hot flashes, vaginal atrophy, hair loss, etc.). Now that we know how much they care.

Here is some personal legislation I‘m thinking about proposing:

(1) Create state regulation over vasectomies – all vasectomies must be approved by a panel of women

(2) Criminalize ejaculation outside of a woman’s vagina – should be considered an action against an unborn child

(3) Require a rectal ultra sound in order to prescribe Viagra – make sure that prostate is in good shape before increasing blood flow

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, find out what ridiculous legislation your state has pending against women’s reproductive rights and organize a demonstration on the capital steps or sign petitions and/or letters and send them to your legislators. Let us know how it goes!