Floss is the Boss

by Tonia

"If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas" - Mason Cooley

Occasionally I get complimented on my smile. Thank God for good orthodontic work. And dental work. Not that I love going. I mean, who loves someone’s fingers crammed down her mouth? Well, unless you're involved in some kind of kinky sexual activity I guess….

I DO enjoy reading the magazines in the waiting room, though. It lets me put my mind on Duhhh. I mean, where else would I get to read about skiing Santas or find out if I’m psychic? During this week’s dentist visit I read, My Husband Likes to Wear My Panties, Is This Normal? Good stuff!

My dentist and his perky, little, pearly-white-toothed hygienist are big on flossing. They ask, "How often do you floss?" My answer, "Not as often as I should." Translation: “Only when food is stuck.” 

Actually, only 28% of Americans claim to floss daily. Liars. Most of us would rather do almost anything than floss. Personally, I’d rather clean my garage or organize my porn collection than floss. All that string just gets twisted all over my hands and face and somehow ends up in my hair. I end up only flossing my favorite teeth.

I want my lovers to floss, though. The Journal of Periodontology reports that gum disease is seven times more common in men with erectile dysfunction than in men who can “rise to the occasion.” That’s because bacteria in gum tissue travels throughout the body, causing blood vessel damage that pumps up that ol' dart of love. (Aren’t you glad you read this blog?)

And did you know there’s a Nat'l Flossing Council? Yep. There’s a group for everything, isn’t there? It’s got floss-related haiku, floss art, famous flossers, and Frank Zappa’s song about growing a crop of dental floss and dreaming about becoming a dental floss tycoon. Click HERE if you’re bored out of your mind and need floss entertainment.

So, for your next girlfriend’s get-together, share flossing information and see how many things you can come up with do with dental floss (HINT: emergency replacement shoe strings, thread for sewing, a clothes line, etc.). Give bacon dental floss as a prize to the girlfriend who comes up with the most ideas!