Getting Lucky

By Tonia

"A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are." ~ Victor Lownes

I love words. I love their history. I love their double meanings. But sometimes I just have to question their absurdity. For example, why do we say a race is “neck and neck”? Its a competition – not a make-out session.  And why do men ask for her “hand in marriage”? Aren’t they really asking for her vagina?

And, for God’s sake, why is sex described as “getting lucky”? There’s no luck involved. It’s a friggin’ achievement! I go to a lot of trouble to get laid. Shave my legs, put on clean sheets, wear cologne, try to be charming …. Give me some credit here, people.

If we need a “luck” expression for sex I think some of our other “luck” expressions might fit better. You know, like ….

HARD luck

PUSH your luck

STROKE of luck

DOWN on your luck

Personally, I think getting lucky has more to do with the morning after – I’m lucky if I don’t have to peel a used a condom off the floor; I’m lucky if my make-up stays on all night and I don’t look like a raccoon waking up; I’m lucky if I can find a breath mint in my nightstand; I’m lucky if the guy is a great cook and brings me breakfast in bed (mostly because I can never find my recipe for toast).

But “luck” DOES rhyme with “fuck” so, heck, go ahead and get fucky-lucky. It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day.

And, for your girlfriends’ party consider making vagina cupcakes. They're easier than penis cupcakes. It's hard (or not hard) getting that frosting to stand up as a penis. 

Waxed to the Maxed

By Tonia

After several wonderful, youthful hippie years of not shaving my legs, I eventually gave in and commenced leg and armpit shearing. I've been doing it now for over 35 years. Ugh.

Recently I started hearing women talk about getting rid of their PUBIC hair. I was fascinated – well, ‘obsessed’ is probably a better description. I began taking informal surveys wherever I went, “What do you think of pubic hair?” “What do others think of your pubic hair?” “What do you do with your pubic hair?” (I really need to separate my personal life from my academic life.)

I found out that women have all kinds of hairdos down there - some by shaving and some by waxing. I was intrigued by waxing. There's bikini; there's Hollywood; there's Brazilian. Now, I’m not anti-bush but I was especially curious about the Brazilian wax. You know, the ultimate “no hair left behind” technique. At first I thought only strippers and porn stars ripped out all their pubic hair by the roots but then I found out that BABY BOOMER women are the ones who most frequent the Brazilian wax bars … I mean, SALONS … wax salons. Holy crap. I’m a Baby Boomer woman.

I’d never waxed anything in my life so I knew I had to try it. I went to a recommended salon and met She-na, Warrior Woman against all Willful Body Hair. Perky and friendly, she had me lay back on the table with my legs positioned froggy style. A bit awkward but, hey, I’ve had babies; I’ve been exposed. Then RIP! RIP! RIP! If I hadn’t felt the warmth of the wax I would have sworn she used duct tape. Then she told me to turn over. Turn over?? Wait a minute! I wasn’t expecting THAT pose! Then she told me to spread my cheeks. I’ve spread a lot of things in my life (love … joy … margarine) but I have never purposely spread my butt cheeks. But I obeyed. RIP!

When I got home I took a look. My crotch looked like it had a sunburn. That was two weeks ago. Right now my compulsion is to scratch – which seems greater than my need to be socially acceptable ... or sexy.

Girlfriends’ party idea? Well, if you’re brave, go together and try it! Bring liquor .... lots of it.

Calamity Car Wash

By Rachel

“My brother was a lifeguard in a carwash.” – Henny Youngman

True confession …. I never take my car to the car wash. It looks like something from the bottom of the black lagoon but, hey, I have other things to wash – dishes, laundry, floors ….. CHILDREN. And I figure it’ll get washed when it rains. Well, except that it doesn’t rain much in Texas. My husband calls it the Dirt Mobile. I have a name for him, too, but I’ll refrain.

A few weeks ago I lost my mind and decided to take it to the car wash. One opened a few miles from our house so I decided to give it a try. Distracted by a phone call, I didn’t exactly read all the instructions prior to entering. I do remember something about not braking while going through the wash.  I was in a hurry so NO PROBLEM. They didn’t have to worry about ME braking!

The attendant guided my wheels onto the track and off I went. Damn! I was FLYING through that wash. I decided I would definitely come back to this wash as it was FAST! Then there was a knock on my window. I screamed and jumped - which caused me to hit my horn. It was a very pissed attendant. He had chased me into the car wash to tell me that I failed to put my car in neutral (OOPS .… it was still in drive). Guess that explained why I was flying through! He shut off the car wash and told me to drive out and get back in line as I would have to go through again (the right way). I drove out and saw the line of cars waiting their turn. There was NO WAY I was getting back in line. I left the wash with soapy bubbles trailing behind me.

The next time you and your girlfriends’ get together to talk about the dirt in your day, make these fabulous no bake cookies! They are simple to make and so delicious!

No Bake Chocolate Cookies

4 tbls unsweetened cocoa powder

1 ¾ cup white sugar

3 cups old-fashioned cooking oats

¾ cup peanut butter

½ cup milk

½ cup butter

2 teaspoons vanilla

Combine the cocoa powder, sugar, milk, and butter in a medium saucepan. Bring the mixture to a rolling boil and cook for 1.5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in the oats, peanut butter, and vanilla. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto wax or parchment paper. Let cool. EAT!