Sticky Teeth Syndrome

By Tonia

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you." ~ Andy Ronney

Recently I’ve noticed that food is sticking to my teeth more. Yep, remnants of meals past. I'm calling it Sticky Teeth Syndrom (STS) - a condition where teeth become magnetized for pieces of food like lettuce, corn, blueberries, and pieces of meat. It is the rare food product that can escape its power. My smile ends up looking like a post-it note of dinner – or like I’m auditioning for a sequel of Deliverance. Ugh.

My girlfriends have an array of responses to my affliction. Some of them ignore it; some subtly point to their own teeth behind a napkin; some just reach over and pick it out. But my very best friend always offers me more salad to go with my meal tidbits. Bitch.

I found out that Sticky Teeth Syndrome is really dry mouth. So I guess my mouth has gone the way of my skin, my eyes and my vagina. Dry, drier, and driest. My body has become a human Sahara Desert. Even my brain is drying out (yep, our brains lose moisture and shrink with age). Instead of "shit for brains," I'll have "sand for brains." Life is not a dry run, but this body sure is!

So I want to know, does this new arid state of being mean that someone left me high and dry - or just hung me out to dry? Will it enhance my dry sense of humor? Is STS like arthritis where I’ll be able to predict weather changes when I have something stuck in my teeth? God, I hope something good comes from it. This aging thing is not for the faint-hearted.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together host a Five Wishes Party. See their website and party suggestions HERE. Not a laughing matter, and very important, Five Wishes is the US’s most popular living will - an easy to use legal document that lets folks plan how they want to be cared for in case they become seriously ill. Pass copies around and discuss; fill them out and witness one another’s documents. Fun party ideas include:

(1) Put blow pops in a bowl with a sign, “Aging Sucks.”

(2) Serve trays of seedless grapes without stems with a sign, "Loose Marbles."

(3) Wedge a slab of colored cream cheese (resembling denture cream) in a set of plastic teeth and surround it with crackers.

(4) Read or pass around Dr. Suess’s book, You’re Only Old Once.

(5) Make an adult diaper cake as a centerpiece. Put products in it like a can prunes, some Exlax, Pepto-Bismol and Beano.

(6) Hang a poster for guests to sign that has the title “Advantages of Growing Older.” Be the first to sign it with “I can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time.”

Let us know how it goes! MUAH!