Driving Ditz

by Tonia 

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'" - Tommy Cooper

I hate driving. Mostly because I’m a bad driver. Josh (son) told me he was nominating me for the Bad Drivers Hall of Fame. Rachel (daughter) asked if my car had life insurance. Ugh. Remind me again - WHY did I have children?

I don’t MEAN to be a bad driver. It’s just that I like to multi-task. Changing clothes and redoing my make-up while driving saves me time. And aren’t red lights for responding to texts and checking Facebook? Hellloooo! What else are you supposed to do while you're waiting?

And it doesn’t help that my city streets are full of pot holes and road construction. I constantly have to make sudden psychotic swerves like some kind of friggin’ crack-using slalom driver. My dog needs a seat belt!

And, while I’m complaining, I HATE it when I’m ready to run a yellow light and the damn person in front of me chickens out. Grrrrrr….

My family loves to tell the story about when my mother and I were driving cross-country many years ago. I was at the wheel and she had been sleeping. She woke up, looked around and asked why the signs were all facing backwards. Not only was I driving on the wrong side of the interstate, it was a closed road. Holy shit. That lost us several hours.

My most recent driving incident involved a STOP sign. I guess STOP actually means four tires must stop rolling without the use of the sign itself. OOPS!

I’ve also had my share of speeding tickets. I LOVE it when hot uniformed troopers with handcuffs pull me over. But, unfortunately, too many of them have the personalities of bricks (though that isn't fair to bricks). They just keep giving me their autographs and nothing more up close and personal.

But at least I haven’t ended up in parade like one of my girlfriends. She ignored a divert traffic sign and found herself between two floats. All she could do was stay in line and wave. 

For your next girlfriends’ get together consider brainstorming a list of great excuses to use when/if you ever get pulled over. Make copies for everyone to keep in their glove compartments - fun AND useful!