The Mysteries of a Woman's Purse

by Tonia

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Merency

I recently saw Love, Loss and What I Wore written by Nora and Delia Ephron. It was a delightful show; I highly recommend it. And it got me thinking about purses….

My mother always changed purses to match her shoes. I can barely FIND my purse when its time to leave. My daughters spend mega-bucks to get designer bags. I get pissed off when I have to buy one and it costs more than $25. Guess this purse thing is above my sophistication level.

Someone once suggested that a woman's choice of purses and what she carries in it reveals her personality. Uh oh. If that’s true, I’m a disheveled, disgusting, scatter-brained sugar-addicted cheapskate hoarder in need of a serious intervention. The last time I cleaned out my purse I found enough receipts to build back an entire tree and a perfume sample that smelled like Chanel Number 5 in 1985 but now smells like an dirty diapers.

My purse is a mysterious place - a place that defies the laws of physics. It can carry MUCH more than its size suggests. Yet, once I put something in it, I may not find it again for days. I’m starting to believe that it is actually another door to Narnia and that my keys, cell phone and lipstick go on adventures as kings and queens to fight evil. They come back occasionally – but at their own will.

I was fishing around in my purse the other day while talking to my Director and I plunged my hand into an opened jar of homemade lotion. I felt the cold, wet goo squish between my fingers. I couldn’t decide whether to pull my hand out and horrify my boss - or keep it safely hidden in my purse the rest of the meeting and look like a moron. My fears about other disasters befalling my hand if I left it in my purse overpowered my concerns for making a good impression, so I pulled it out and asked for a Kleenex. (There was probably one in my purse but hell if I was going to go looking for it! It was probably in Narnia anyway.)

I asked a male friend of mine what he thought of women’s purses. After his look of terror subsided, he said that even the most accomplished, most organized women have purses that look like an ADHD kid on Red Bull and sugar. He thought they should have warning labels on them and was convinced that Jimmy Hoffa’s remains were probably at the bottom of some woman’s purse somewhere. Probably so. Probably so.

We’ve suggested purse scavenger hunts for girlfriends’ get-togethers before (which is still a great idea!) but a purse swap is also a useful and fun idea. Have your girlfriends bring over all the purses they don't carry any more (hopefully, clean) and lay them out so that they can be recycled among friends! And bake and decorate sugar cookies in the shape of purses. Have fun!!