My Recovery from Mom Jeans

by Tonia

"The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this." - Mark Twain

I have no fashion sense. While I probably dress better than a typical Walmart shopper, after 50-something years, I still have no idea what looks good on me. I know this is true because my daughters tell me on a weekly basis:

-- “Please say that you are just working in the garden today!”

-- “Mom, that dress looks like bad wallpaper with a zipper.”

-- “If you wear that, you’re riding alone because I’m going in my own car.”

I admit that on a recent ski trip I wore Rachel’s sweater from middle school. I thought it was a very cute, ski-like outfit. Guess not. When I came downstairs for breakfast, she and Anna burst into hysterical laughter and moved to another table. Damn brats.

They once advised me to buy some really cute boots so that I would look more up to date. OK. I get it. Get people to look at my feet instead of my aging face and body. I wore them to work and thought I was going to have to call for a wheelchair to get from the parking garage to my office. I stayed seated the entire rest of the day and stayed late so that, after all my colleagues left, I could rip those fuckers off my feet and go back to my car barefooted.

One time Anna went shopping with me to get some jeans. Guess I’ve been wearing the dreaded, long-butt “Mom” jeans. Every pair she wanted me to try on felt like I was one bend-over from a plumbers’ look. She insisted that I find some where the pockets ended below the bottom of my ass. Supposedly it makes the butt look better. Honey, if that’s the case, I need pockets in more strategic places than just my ass!                                                          

Here are Anna’s “rules” for avoiding the long-butt, “Mom” jean look (now programmed into my phone):

   (1) Stay away from jeans that come in small, 
medium and large sizes – code for “Mom” jean.

   (2) Shun jeans without back pockets or where you can’t tell the front from the back. Your rear-end will look like a gravity-inflicted watermelon was shoved into the back of your pants.

   (3) Avoid jeans where your socks show while standing. Not the “Mom” jean look – just dorky.

   (4) Look for jeans with a definitive break where your butt ends and your legs begin. Otherwise, your butt ends up with an infinity effect….

   (5) Finally, keep away from a completely elastic waist. Now you’ve gone way beyond “Mom” jeans. You’ve gone to jean hell.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a Progressive Fashion Consulting Hor d’oeuvres Party. Each friend whose home is used lays out her main wardrobe pieces that she doesn’t know quite what to do with. As she asks her girlfriends questions and/or tries on things for advice, everyone is able to nibble on goodies. Time limit should be 30 min. at each house. Here is a fun recipe to match the theme! 

The Party Dress Veggie Pizzas

Roll out refrigerated crescent roll dough and cut with a dress cookie cutter. Place on a cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes. Mix one 8 oz package of cream cheese with half a package of Hidden Valley Fiesta Ranch Dip Mix. Once the “dresses” have cooled, spread the cream cheese mixture on each dress. Design your Vera Wang gown with items such as:  red bell pepper, pimento, sliced American cheese, chopped black olives, grated carrot, cherry tomato, spinach leaves, broccoli, cucumber strips, etc. 

Tell us your fashion faux pas!!