No Rest in the Restroom

by Tonia

I’m not crazy about public restrooms but since I have a “tiny tank” I frequent them wherever I go. Guess that makes me a toilet expert.

First let me say, I want to decide when I'm finished. I want to flush all by myself - like a big girl. I hate those pseudo-psychic/automated toilets who think they know more than I do. I either have to roll my ass around in front of the censors like a pole dancer to make them work or I get sprayed by the stream of water that shoots out like a fire hose. It makes me want to pee sideways in stealth mode so the censors never see me.

Occasionally there is toilet paper available in the stalls. When this happens, it is typically of the pine cone/steel wool/wood chip/sand paper variety. But more often, there is NOT toilet paper and I have to go on a scavenger hunt in my purse for something to wipe with because I’m not crazy about the drip-dry method. This is when I end up wiping with a Chicklet wrapper. I never seem to have anything big enough to really cover the territory.

And of course there is the entertainment on the walls - the word search of curse words, the gallery of artwork, and the address book of potential good time dates. Love a good read. One time I went into a restroom where the mirror was missing and someone had written in its place, “You look fine.” Thanks. Saved me time putting on lipstick.

So why do we call these places RESTrooms? Are people secretly napping in the stalls? Do the toilets turn into recliners when the censors are off? Is there meditation at the sinks? I get no rest in there. I just get wet.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together have a purse scavenger hunt. See who can produce the largest number of a list of items. Here are some ideas:

- underwear
- ex-partner's picture

- condoms

- gynecologist appt card

- Legos

- already chewed gum

- food of any sort

- sex toy

- coupon for dry cleaning

- cologne

- pacifier

What are some of YOUR ideas for the Purse Scavenger Hunt?