Awww, Motherhood....

by Tonia

"People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool." - Elayne Boosler

Aww, motherhood......often begins with pregnancy. Back in the days when I was knocked up we couldn't find out the gender of our unborn babies - it was a surprise. Personally, I thought it was surprise enough to see a human head coming out my vagina but then I got another surprise when I saw its genitalia slide on out. I got surprised three times -- and each one produced a child (you know how one worries).

One (of the many) problems with having children is that they are not returnable. They come. They stay. They stay for a very loooong time. I always thought I'd be the perfect mother, but that delusion quickly turned to desperate prayers of, "O God, if you'll help me not kill them, I promise to quit fantasizing about the lawn boy." I also prayed for the FDA to approve tranquilizer guns for children but that prayer was never answered. I agree with Ed Asner, "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."

But the years flew by. I let them live and now have three grown children - and most of my sanity (well.......). I think they may even have forgiven me. And because of this colossal accomplishment, I'd like to share what I have learned about motherhood from each developmental stage. Tell me if you agree.

Things I learned as a mom of young children:

-- Small Legos will indeed pass through the digestive tract.

-- When a child doesn't want his picture taken, give it up. It's easier to balance the national budget.

-- Diaper backwards spells 'repaid'.

-- If you run out of milk you can add baby formula to mashed potatoes. (Other great cooking tips to follow in another blog.)

Things I learned as a mom of school-aged children:

-- If you have trouble getting your child's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

-- If vomit is spewing from your child's mouth, don't try to run to the bathroom with the vomiter... it leaves a trail.

-- There are fifty shades of pink eye.

-- Dropping off children at school in your nightgown and robe will guarantee that you run out of gas....even if you have a full tank.

Things I learned as a mom of teens:

-- Standing mailboxes are only temporary house ornaments when teaching teens to drive.

-- Eye rolling, foot stomping, door slamming and OMGing can happen in a single motion... and at Olympic performance levels.

-- Zits are claims to be absent from school. Don’t fall for it.

-- Teens only threaten to run away. They rarely do. But the thought of it helps.

 Things I am STILL learning as a mom of adult children (God help me):

-- Don't give advice.

-- Humans are NOT the smartest species - we let our children return home after they are grown.

-- Don't give advice.

-- Giving grandkids giant chocolate sundaes with Coke to drink just before their parents arrive to pick them up is fabulous revenge.

-- Don't give advice.

-- Oh yeah, and don't give advice.

A fun girlfriends' get-together is a WEARY MOM PARTY. Activity ideas:

(1) Have everyone bring the weariest-looking picture they have of themselves and create a collage to hang. 

(2) Give everyone 3 index cards and ask them to write down 3 ways they have embarrassed their children (one on each card). Post these on the walls around the room and ask everyone to go around and mark the ones that they, too, have been guilty of. See which child-embarrassing behavior wins. 

(3) Create a Mothering Mistakes Bingo game (i.e. "Let my child eat ice cream for breakfast," "Forgot to pick up my child," "Used 
the TV as a babysitter," "Lied to my child," etc.)