Fire in the Hole!

By Anna

"You know you're a redneck if you take your car keys and dig your ear wax out ya ears." – some Redneck somewhere

I'm only 32 years old but I’m pretty sure I have the hearing of an 82 year old. I noticed the funky ear problems in my 20s. First the ringing of the ears, then the ongoing battle with swimmers ear, then a diagnosis of "ear eczema" – otherwise known as Dry Flaky Itchy Ear Syndrome.

And then the small problem that I just CAN’T FUCKING HEAR! While the upside is that I no longer hear people talking behind my back and can stay in hotels on major airport flight paths, the downside is that I have to compensate. About 2% of the time I tell people I can't hear them; 3% of the time I try to move closer; and 95% of the time I just laugh and hope to God the person didn't ask a question.

I try to take good care of my ears. I clean them gently, I avoid getting my drums wet and I even use my prescription. But I also have too much ear wax. Turns out my body manufactures all kinds of things I don’t need – zits, farts, fat, ear wax…..

I’ve always wondered about ear candles. Do they work? Does it hurt? Do I need fire insurance? If I try them, will my mother be reading about my demise in the newspaper the next day: YOUNG WOMAN KILLED IN EAR BLAZE?

So I questioned one of my girlfriends about them and she booked me an appointment on her couch the very next day. She supplied the candles and I brought the tacos (NOTE TO SELF: in the future do ear cleaning BETWEEN meals). If you’ve never heard of this technique, an ear candle is put into the ear and lit with a match by a second person. The flame creates a vacuum that pulls the wax out of your ear.

So like the good patient I am, I nestled myself on her couch, head on pillow, fire extinguisher in hand. I squirmed and whimpered softly while she positioned the fire in my hole. About 10 minutes later we rushed to the kitchen sink to inspect our findings. Oh yeah, really gross but SUPER cool stuff – especially for those of us who love all things disgusting….

But no - no hearing improvement, just clean ears.

I'll be making my next ear appointment with Clear Tone. Thanks anyway, Beth!

Invite 4 of your besties over on a hot summer day & throw an earwax party.
And serve these:

Frozen Earwax

1/4 (12fl oz) can frozen lemonade concentrate
1/4 (6oz) can frozen OJ concentrate
1/2 cup strong brewed black tea
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup whiskey
1 3/4 cup water
1/4 liter chilled ginger ale soda
1/2 lemon cut into wedges

In a large container combine lemonade, OJ, tea, sugar, whisky & water. Mix well & freeze for 24 hrs.

Scoop into a tall glass, 3/4 full, & pour chilled ginger ale to fill glass. Stir & garnish with lemon wedge.

Serves 5