Feb 6, 2014

Bad Boudoir Babe

Posted by Tonia at Thursday, February 06, 2014
By Tonia

A few weeks ago I received a Groupon for a boudoir photo shoot. Always ready to try something new, I thought, “What the f*^k, I’ll do it!” Prior to my shoot, I sat in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to look sexy without looking like I was trying to look sexy. I mostly looked like an idiot with slobbery, quivering horse lips.  

Then I ran across an article that said I should walk around naked for a few days prior to the shoot - you know, to get comfortable. While my peeping-tom neighbors would have loved that, it’s currently the dead of winter, we’re having record low temperatures and I doubt that hypothermia makes my boobs look any perkier. Plus, when I walk around naked I stick to my leather chairs and can’t fry bacon.

On the day of the shoot the photographer offered me a glass of Champagne to help me loosen up. I asked for the whole bottle but that wasn’t included with my Groupon. Guess that comes with a more expensive package.

I chose a bed as my “setting” and let the photographer have her way with me. And, let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for models and porn stars. Those sexy little poses are thigh-burning, back-breaking, arm-crippling contortions from the pits of seduction hell. Only my Brazilian wax and childbirth were more painful.

In addition to all the damn body contortions, in order to look sexy, I also had to…..

   …..Inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth - I kept waiting for the stethoscope to appear.
   …..Open and close my eyes over and over – Like a night of insomnia on fast-forward
   …..Twist/play in the sheets – Result of which was getting trapped in a knotted, tangled mass of bedding that took the photographer AND her assistant to get me loose from.
   …..Rub my hair with both my hands, turning my head ever so slightly – but, let me tell you, when I looked at those proofs, it just looked like I was covering my ears from some kind of hideous noise.

Sexpot fail.

But I DID have fun and there were a few shots that actually did make me look pretty good. I would certainly recommend it as a girlfriends’ get together and outing!

So now the big question is: what am I going to do with these damn photos? I thought about making them into a coffee table book but I’m not sure my daughter would ever let the grandkids come over again. I guess I’ll simply put them away with my 
important documents so my kids will find them when I’m gone…..


Anonymous said...

OMG!!!! You are hilarious!!!!! Love it!

Kimberly Hill on February 7, 2014 at 5:58 AM said...

Totally you!!! Lol And I'm pretty sure how my experience would end up!

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