Bad Boudoir Babe

By Tonia

A few weeks ago I received a Groupon for a boudoir photo shoot. Always ready to try something new, I thought, “What the f*^k, I’ll do it!” Prior to my shoot, I sat in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to look sexy without looking like I was trying to look sexy. I mostly looked like an idiot with slobbery, quivering horse lips.  

Then I ran across an article that said I should walk around naked for a few days prior to the shoot - you know, to get comfortable. While my peeping-tom neighbors would have loved that, it’s currently the dead of winter, we’re having record low temperatures and I doubt that hypothermia makes my boobs look any perkier. Plus, when I walk around naked I stick to my leather chairs and can’t fry bacon.

On the day of the shoot the photographer offered me a glass of Champagne to help me loosen up. I asked for the whole bottle but that wasn’t included with my Groupon. Guess that comes with a more expensive package.

I chose a bed as my “setting” and let the photographer have her way with me. And, let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for models and porn stars. Those sexy little poses are thigh-burning, back-breaking, arm-crippling contortions from the pits of seduction hell. Only my Brazilian wax and childbirth were more painful.

In addition to all the damn body contortions, in order to look sexy, I also had to…..

   …..Inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth - I kept waiting for the stethoscope to appear.

   …..Open and close my eyes over and over – Like a night of insomnia on fast-forward

   …..Twist/play in the sheets – Result of which was getting trapped in a knotted, tangled mass of bedding that took the photographer AND her assistant to get me loose from.

   …..Rub my hair with both my hands, turning my head ever so slightly – but, let me tell you, when I looked at those proofs, it just looked like I was covering my ears from some kind of hideous noise.

Sexpot fail.

But I DID have fun and there were a few shots that actually did make me look pretty good. I would certainly recommend it as a girlfriends’ get together and outing!

So now the big question is: what am I going to do with these damn photos? I thought about making them into a coffee table book but I’m pretty sure my daughter would never let the grandkids come over again. I guess I’ll simply put them away with my 

important documents so my kids will find them when I’m gone…..