No, Nope, No Thanks

By Tonia

“Tell him I was too fucking busy - or vice versa.” ― Dorothy Parker

Ah, “No” ... from the Latin word meaning to greatly amplify a woman’s guilt using a single syllable.

I’m not talking about sex here (besides, I rarely say “No” to that!). I’m talking about women’s inability to say “No” to favors and tasks that others request from us – serving on boards, volunteering in classrooms, running additional errands, taking on additional work on the job, etc. etc. etc. Saying “No” goes against our good-girl nature (yet another reason to be a bad girl!). We say, “Yes” when we really want to say, “No – and hell, no!”

There were times in my life when “No” never escaped my vocal chords. I probably needed some sort of speech therapy to formulate the sound. I practiced saying “No” in the mirror over and over but to no avail. I would hear "NO!" in my head but my *&%^ mouth would say, "OK," "Sure," "Happy to." I needed to unleash my inner 2-year old!

So I decided to think of ways to sound agreeable but still say “No.” Here they are. You’re welcome.

QUES: "Want to hang out Saturday?”

ANSWER: "Sure! I’ve got to paint the kitchen. Come on over.”

QUES: "Can I borrow your chapstick?"

ANSWER: "Sure! My herpes is almost cleared up.”

QUESTION: “Would you make your special cupcakes for the class party next week?”

ANSWER: “Of course! My kitchen is being renovated and I don’t have an oven. I’ll just bake them on the grill.”

QUES: "Do you mind if I date your ex?"

ANSWER: "No problem! I think he just got discharged from the psych unit and is looking for someone.”

QUES: "Can you babysit little Emma?"

ANSWER: "Would love it. You know, I really miss my kids since Child Protective Services took them away."

So for your next girlfriends’ get together, have a Just Say NO Party. Here are some ideas:

-- Hang “Say NO to YES” posters

-- Hang a poster board and invite everyone write on it the thing that they wish they could say “No” to.

-- Give everyone pencil and paper. Set a timer for 60 seconds and instruct everyone to write down as many ways to say “No” as they can think of.

-- Write various scenarios that need a “No” response on Jenga® blocks. Play the game by taking turns pulling out the blocks and responding to the scenarios in humorous ways.

ENJOY!

Two for the Road

By Tonia

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket." ~Maxine

Each summer I drive from Tulsa, OK to Santa Fe, NM so I can escape the clothes-drenching, hair-style-wrecking, boob-dripping humidity of the mid-west. Seriously, even my fingernails sweat. George Carlin said, “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” If that advice were followed during Oklahoma summers, I’d NEVER get laid!

So this week Remington (the dog) and I headed west in my speedy Prius for our annual Santa Fe adventure. Typically Remington is a great travel companion. He doesn’t sing along with the music; he doesn’t change my stations; he stays in the back seat and he doesn’t criticize my driving. But this year he started the “Are we there yet?”

Remington: “Are we there yet?”

Me: “No. And don’t start it. That’s why I brought you instead of the kids.”

Remington: “Fine. Then can I drive?”

Me: “No. You don’t have thumbs.”

Remington: “You could tape my paws to the steering wheel.”

Me: “Have I mentioned that you’re a dog?”

Remington: “That was mean.”

So I told him his job was to watch for the highway patrol. He seemed satisfied.

Along the way we saw lots of road kill, a hexed exit and a rest stop that was closed. Do rest stops get to rest, too?

And we had so much f**king wind I was afraid we’d end up like Dorothy and Toto in the Land of Oz instead of Tonia and Remington in the Land of Enchantment. Or maybe it was getting my hair ready for the Wicked Witch of the West part. 

But we made it without a speeding ticket, without getting hexed and without becoming road kill. 

Now I’m ready to get my Santa Fe peeps together for some poker! And, if you want to do the same with your girlfriends, consider getting some personalized poker chips with your pics put on them (you can decide the poses)! Check it out HERE at Shindigz.