Blow Jobs for Dummies

by Tonia

“An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.”  ~Author Unknown

Since I spend summers alone in Santa Fe, NM, I often look for things to do by myself. Alone but not lonely, ya know? On one particular Wednesday night I was bored and looking for something to do. I could go to a movie; I could take myself out to dinner; God knows I could shop. OR I could go to a “Mastering the BJ” class – a course “for anyone who has a dick in his/her life and wants to show it some oral love!” I’ve had some dicks in my life, alright, but I think they meant penises.

So I drove myself to Self Serve in Albuquerque, a woman-owned sex positive toy shop that has won a ton of awards (BIG SHOUT OUT FOR SELF SERVE HERE – click on their name to link to their page). I tried to get my gay friends to join me but they said they didn’t need lessons – people had been begging them to TEACH the class for years. Whatever.

So I went by myself. I figured it would be fun and the only stiffs in class would be the dildos. And were there dildos! Holy penis! The only color I didn’t see was Smurf blue and the only size I didn’t see was Elephant.

Now let me say: giving a blow job is hard work. Talk about multi-tasking! You gotta’ sheath your teeth, generate spit, suck, work your tongue, move back and forth at the right rhythm - all while trying to look sexy, not gag and make eye contact. Seriously. And if it takes too long my mind drifts to Did I lock my car door? What do I need at the grocery store? I wonder what’s going to happen on this season’s Orange is the New Black?

But our instructor said we’ve got to have ENTHUSIASM so I need to keep my mind on what I’m doing and show that I'm having fun. (I guess if I don’t enjoy the thought of pleasing him, I shouldn’t be boinking him.) She gave us lots of great tips and none of it was hard to swallow………

So what did I learn?

  -- I learned that a room full of women talking about fellatio is uproarious

  -- I learned that if I open my mouth like a sword swallower I won’t gag (and I’ll have new job skills for the circus!)

  -- I learned that humming creates an erotic sensation (but the William Tell Overture may give him performance anxiety)

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, fix some Blow Job drinks! You won’t mind swallowing!

BLOW JOB

Mix together the following in a shot glass -

½  oz. coffee liqueur

½  oz. Irish cream liqueur

½ oz of vodka

Add whipped cream on top.

Have your guests drink their Blow Jobs without using their hands. Instruct them to go down on the drink with only their mouths. Then pick up the shot glasses with their mouths, tilt their heads back and drink up!