Pain in the Ass

by Tonia

“What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons.” - anonymous fourth grader

Recently, while finishing up the "paper work" after completing my “business” on the toilet, I discovered something growing out my rectum. Holy shit. This thing was new and it was HUGE. And I’m not talking out my ass here. Upon further investigation I decided I either had a new testicle from some kind of old lady hormone imbalance or I had a hemorrhoid large enough to serve as a third “cheek.” It was so big it almost had a life of its own - so I named it. Beelzebub. You know, like the devil - a nasty creature residing in darkness.

So I went to the drug store to buy some Preparation H. The happy, chirpy, little store clerk asked me how I was doing. Had to hold off the sarcasm – “I’m great. Just came in to window shop and ended up with this impulse purchase.” Smartass. I took my Preparation H home and covered my ass – but it did nothing. Now I assumed I had ass cancer. Next stop: the doctor’s office.

After showing my ass, seems the “mini testicle” is an external hemorrhoid – the thrombosed kind. Not to be confused with the musical instrument - although that particular region has been known to play a few tunes (CLICK HERE for Fucking & Farting blog). The doctor                                                    agreed it was a doozy. (Is "doozy" a medical term?)

I wanted the doctor to get his ass in gear and remove it, no matter how he sliced it. Unfortunately, he wanted me to just leave it alone so it would go away on its own. A pain in the ass that takes a long time to go away? Sounds like my last boyfriend – the himorrhoid.

So now I’m taking long romantic Epsom salts baths with Beelzebub and giving people lots of standing ovations wherever I go. I’m leaving for an international trip soon. You can bet your ass I’m praying for no cavity searches at TSA…..

For your next girlfriends’ get together have a Pedicure Party. Instead of soaking your asses, soak your feet and paint each other’s toe nails. Here’s a great soak:

In a pan of warm water add….

…One teaspoon tea tree oil

…One teaspoon witch hazel

…Half cup Epsom salts

…Three drops peppermint oil