The Never Ending Asphalt Hell Story

By Tonia

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." -- Unknown

Over the holidays I drove to Ft Worth to spend time with the grandmunchkins. I was excited to see them, but the drive down is more tiresome than a texting fanatic date. It is a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing endurance test of Never-Ending-Asphalt-Hell.

Unlike the boring meetings at work, when I’m driving I can’t answer emails, update my dating profile or google naughty pictures. So, after flipping through every friggin' radio station, picking at all the skin blemishes I could locate, and finger combing my hair until sparks flew off the ends, I thought I should engage my mind in something. You know, something besides my typical pornographic thoughts. I could think of a story line for the next great American novel…….Nah.
I could revise my life goals…….Nah.

I could plan my will…....Nah.

I finally decided on thinking up pranks. Things like:

(1) Rigging my medicine cabinet so that marbles fell out if someone opened it during a party

(2) Scraping the icing out of Oreo cookies and replacing it with toothpaste

(3) Pouring water in my hand, pretending to sneeze and throwing the water on someone

(4) Super-gluing the lids on people’s plastic water bottles

(5) Taping a small piece of duct tape to the bottom of a faucet (it creates quite a spray when turned on)

So what do you think? Give me YOUR best pranks in the comments below!

And, for your next girlfriends’ get-together consider playing The Joys of….. game.

Directions:

Pass out one index card to each person. Ask everyone to title their cards by completing the phrase The Joy of….. using a current uncomfortable situation from their lives. (Examples: The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old; The Joys of Being Fifty and Single; The Joys of Working Retail, etc.) After writing their titles, have everyone number their cards 1-5 in a column on the left side of the index card (as if they were going to take a spelling test).

Then direct everyone to pass their cards to the person on their right. That person must fill in #1 with a humorous statement about the title. (Example: for The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old, someone could write, “I can add Temper Tantrum Tamer to my resume;” for The Joys of Being Fifty and Single, someone could write, “I now have a closer relationship with my vibrator,” etc.)

After everyone has written something on another person’s #1, instruct everyone to pass cards to the right again. The next person then writes a humorous statement on #2. Continue until 5 people have each added one humorous statement to 5 different cards. Then return the card to its owner. Encourage guests to post these at home when they need a distraction!