A Concrete Example of a Semi-Empowered Woman

By Tonia

“If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ”― David Brent 

I recently decided to renovate my garage and turn it into a studio apartment. Simple enough. Just add plumbing, electricity, walls and cupboards, right? Except that - There. Were. Problems. At. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. And those problems transmogrified into a mammoth vacuum that sucked my bank account dry.

By the time the floor was ready to be done, I was broke. Not one to shy away from a little challenge like pennilessness, I decided I could level the concrete floor and paint it myself. A DIY project! An I am Woman; Hear me Roar project! Never mind I had just learned that screw drivers weren’t really paint can openers ….. 

So, after 1,538,982 trips to Lowes and several YouTube videos, I was ready. I bought my concrete and 5 gallon bucket; I rented the recommended 800 RPM drill to mix it. I had no idea what 800 RPM meant but, hey, it had two handles and looked like a jack hammer. ROOOAAAARRR!

I went out to the garage apartment, poured the concrete into the bucket, added water (“Just like baking a cake,” I thought), stuck the drill bit into it (“Just like a mixer,” I thought) and turned it on. Holy hijacked high ten! That bastard lifted my arms into the air, whirled the bucket around like an Oklahoma tornado and attacked every wall in the room with concrete. Newly painted walls, I might add.

After I frantically grabbed every available item within my reach and cleaned up splatters of concrete E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E, I made two decisions: do this outside and hold that damn bucket down. Since I was by myself I straddled the bucket between my legs and grabbed that drill tight <insert naughty comments here>. I tried again. This time that motherfucker snatched the bucket out from between my legs and smashed it into my shin.

I looked around and decided that 800 RPMs might be stronger than me but it certainly wasn’t stronger than my fence post. So I wedged one handle of the drill against the post and went at it again. By God, THIS time the drill wouldn’t fling the bucket. But, as revenge, that #*^@ drill went straight through the bottom of the bucket and concrete oozed out all over the grass. I grabbed my patio ice bucket to save whatever concrete I could.

For most people this would have been enough but I had come too far on this apartment to stop now. So I ignored the directions on the concrete (ain’t nobody got time for dat!) and added more water to my mixture and simply mixed it with my bare hands. It poured beautifully. And, best of all, it dried!

After it was all over my sister made a list of all the items that gave their lives for my DIY project. A moment of silence please for…..

2 buckets

1 ice bucket

1 blanket

2 bath towels

10 rolls of paper towels

2 butter knives

1 steak knife

1 glass

1 Vitamin water

10 fingernails

1 section of grass

1 shin

1 bank account

1 mind

And my advice for your next girlfriends’ get-together? Hire a sexy construction guy……and watch him work while sipping margaritas!