Motherhood Shmotherhood

by Tonia

"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement." — Florida Scott-Maxwell 

Mothers Day is approaching. I’m hoping for some fabulous gifts because I nearly ruined my vagina having those three kids! I figure those gifts are my compensation for pain-and-suffering. And I’m not just talking about child birth…..

I was decent mom. I wrote creative IOUs from the Tooth Fairy; I kept cereal on hand for dinners; I held on to their artwork…… 
                                                                      for a little while.

And the lies I told them weren’t BAD lies. You know the ones – the “It’s bedtime” lie when you want some peace and quiet; the “I don’t know where your candy is” lie when you just devoured it all in a single sitting; and the “We were just wrestling” lie when you were ….. well, you know. 

Motherhood DID give me super powers, though:

   -- I can shoot daggers from my eyes and make a child stop dead in her tracks

   -- I can extend my right arm from the driver’s seat and save lives

   -- I can make ice cream invisible in the freezer and later, when I’m alone, make it reappear

   -- I can sniff out evidence of a working digestive system

Some of my other motherhood survival accomplishments include:

   -- I can pee in front of just about anyone

   -- I can pick a booger that isn’t mine

   -- I can fake enthusiasm for performances (this has come in very handy in my dating life, by the way)

So, for one of your next girlfriends’ get-together, gather up some moms and go rent a hotel room for a slumber party. Play MOTHERHOOD: TRUE CONFESSIONS. Here’s how to play (but feel free to adapt as needed):

MOTHERHOOD: TRUE CONFESSIONS

Create cards out of the topics below (add as needed). Place these cards face down on a table. Select one person to be the Judge – this person does not answer cards; she “judges” and keeps score.

Oldest mother goes first (“age before beauty”). Everyone except the Judge takes turns selecting and answering cards. After each person has responded to a card, the Judge ranks that mother’s level of “confessionality” on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being “not much of a confession at all” and 10 being “OMG, we can’t believe you really said that out loud” and writes it down on a score card. Everyone takes turns responding to cards until they are all used – or until everyone has answered the same number of cards. Highest score wins.

Cards

The most soiled outfit I ever wore in public

The best trick I ever played on my kids

The longest period of time I’ve gone without a shower

The longest period of time I’ve gone without shaving my legs

My worst attempt at being sexy after motherhood

The most disgusting thing I ever found in my car

The most ridiculous consequence I tried to give one of my kids for misbehaving

The longest time I’ve gone without doing laundry and how I did it

The worst breakfast I ever let my kids eat

The worst lie I ever told my kids

The longest time I ever let my kids watch TV at one sitting

The worst thing I ever cooked or baked

The biggest bribe I ever made to my kids

A time I “lost it”

A time I embarrassed one of kids on purpose

The longest time I left a kid in time-out because I forgot s/he was there

A time I blamed a kid for something I did

My worst holiday planning

My most embarrassing moment as a mother

The worst thing I ever did/said to my mother-in-law