We're All Bag Ladies

by Tonia

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.” – J.B. Morton

I’m having a crisis. I need a new purse. My old one has a shredded handle, holes in the pockets, ink stains and dried God-knows-what on the inside. And…..uh…..it smells. But I HATE to buy new purses!

I have a love-hate relationship with purses anyway. While they allow me be a mobile hoarder, they also conceal the very items that I need ASAP. Hours of desperate searching do not produce the needed item until it is no longer needed. And while there is something deeply satisfying about having that special guy ask sheepishly, “Would you put this in your purse?” I always worry about what might stick to his item.

There are women who change purses every day to match their outfits. Let me say - I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. I’ve attempted this but I only end up carrying 2 purses – my usual purse (with all my junk) – and the outfit-matching purse I am trying to transfer necessary items into all day long.

There are women who work 3 jobs to own designer purses. I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. To me, a purse is just a purse. But I googled “most expensive purse” and discovered that the Mouawad 1001 Nights Diamond Purse (18 karat gold with 4,500 diamonds) costs $3.8 million, earning it the honor of being in Guinness World Records for the most valuable handbag in the world. Motherf*^@*er! A purse like that needs to stay in a safe and not be carried in public!

 

I would rather have an obnoxious purse anyway. It embarrasses my fashionista daughters. I like the ones made out of car parts or discarded cigarette packages or coconuts or feathers. In fact, I’m currently deciding between the rubber chicken, the aardvark and the bloody knife. OR there’s always duct tape on the old one.

 

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a purse swap or a craft night where you make purses out of bras. Check out the directions HERE on wikihow.