Datesasterous

By Tonia

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Well, I’m back on the market – yep, the online dating market/arcade/bazaar. And it’s no coincidence that ‘dating’ rhymes with ‘hating.’ If it weren’t for the great dating stories I get to tell afterwards I’d probably give it up. But my girlfriends expect to be entertained - they love hearing how I’ve wasted yet another hour of my life in some idiotic meet-and-greet.

So let me tell you about two different first dates I recently had. I’ve learned over the years to plan these things at coffee shops. Some people think this is for safety reasons – but it’s actually for the extra caffeine I usually need.

First Date #1 could hardly introduce himself before starting a caustic and relentless rampage about the evils of suburbanization and car-dependency. This is how you’re flirting with me? He had some kind of grudge against modernity and told me how big cities were doomed to collapse. I may be doomed to collapse during this date! Every time I tried to change the subject he took me back to the impending Dark Ages. Is there no light at the end of this date? “Call me,” he said as we parted – but that would be like staying in touch with my kidnappers after they let me go….

First Date #2 at least waited 5-10 minutes before divulging his complete medical history and recent bout with Diverticulitis. I got a detailed report of his surgeries and stay in ICU – complete with a description of his open surgical site and his current problems with a hernia. Is this guy hoping for sympathy sex?  As if that wasn’t enough medical information he continued to tell me about his multiple sports injuries. This date is more torturous than being flogged at a BDSM Club – and not nearly as kinky or fun. I needed more than coffee here – I needed antacids.

Maybe I need to give up the online dating and go back to traditional dating – you know, picking up guys in bars!

So I really do need a girlfriends’ get together…..with alcohol. Who’s buying?

My Footnote about Football

by Tonia

“Football combines the two worst things about America: violence punctuated by committee meetings.” – George F. Will

 

Ugh. It’s football season - professional football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, prenatal football (OK…..maybe I went too far). There’s Sunday nights, Monday nights, Thursday nights, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and all of January – and, of course, the motherload of football, the Super Bowl. I know that there are women who like football but, frankly, I would prefer the zombie apocalypse.

How is it that a 60 minute game can take over 3 hours??? And, if running and passing are the primary ways to advance the ball, why is it called FOOTball?? And why do tackles look more like collisions? Maybe I’d like football more if the players wore Chippendales outfits as uniforms and danced the ball to the goal line.

I looked up the history of football (can always find humor in history!) and discovered that when the snap was first introduced players were allowed to hold on to the ball indefinitely. In a game between Yale-Princeton each team held the ball for an entire half, resulting in a 0-0 tie. Needless to say, spectators were NOT happy. Reminds me of the kind of action I get on some of my dates.

So here are some things I would rather do than watch football –

-- Rearrange the items in my frig in alphabetical order

-- Pluck the hair from my armpit

-- Clean out the 3 years of clogged hair from the bathtub drain

-- Pick up the mountains of dog poop in the back yard

-- Complete FAFSA forms for all of my granddaughter’s senior class

So if you and your girlfriends are avoiding football, have an anti-football party by cheering for your girlfriends. Decorate with pom-poms. Serve champagne and finger sandwiches. Dedicate songs to each other. Have each guest write her name and a goal on a poster board; then have everyone write on each poster why they think that girlfriend will be successful in accomplishing her goal. And, most of all, hug – don’t tackle.