Oct 27, 2015

Datesasterous

Posted by Tonia at Tuesday, October 27, 2015
By Tonia

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Well, I’m back on the market – yep, the online dating market/arcade/bazaar. And it’s no coincidence that ‘dating’ rhymes with ‘hating.’ If it weren’t for the great dating stories I get to tell afterwards I’d probably give it up. But my girlfriends expect to be entertained - they love hearing how I’ve wasted yet another hour of my life in some idiotic meet-and-greet.

So let me tell you about two different first dates I recently had. I’ve learned over the years to plan these things at coffee shops. Some people think this is for safety reasons – but it’s actually for the extra caffeine I usually need.

First Date #1 could hardly introduce himself before starting a caustic and relentless rampage about the evils of suburbanization and car-dependency. This is how you’re flirting with me? He had some kind of grudge against modernity and told me how big cities were doomed to collapse. I may be doomed to collapse during this date! Every time I tried to change the subject he took me back to the impending Dark Ages. Is there no light at the end of this date? “Call me,” he said as we parted – but that would be like staying in touch with my kidnappers after they let me go….

First Date #2 at least waited 5-10 minutes before divulging his complete medical history and recent bout with Diverticulitis. I got a detailed report of his surgeries and stay in ICU – complete with a description of his open surgical site and his current problems with a hernia. Is this guy hoping for sympathy sex?  As if that wasn’t enough medical information he continued to tell me about his multiple sports injuries. This date is more torturous than being flogged at a BDSM Club – and not nearly as kinky or fun. I need more than coffee here – I needed antacids.

Maybe I need to give up the online dating and go back to traditional dating – you know, picking guys up in bars!

So I really do need a girlfriends’ get together…..with alcohol. Who’s buying?


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