By Tonia
“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita
Rudner
Well, I’m back on the market – yep, the online dating
market/arcade/bazaar. And it’s no coincidence that ‘dating’ rhymes with
‘hating.’ If it weren’t for the great dating stories I get to tell afterwards I’d
probably give it up. But my girlfriends expect to be entertained - they love
hearing how I’ve wasted yet another hour of my life in some idiotic
meet-and-greet.
So let me tell you about two different first dates I
recently had. I’ve learned over the years to plan these things at coffee shops.
Some people think this is for safety reasons – but it’s actually for the extra caffeine I usually need.
First Date #1 could hardly introduce himself before starting
a caustic and relentless rampage about the evils of suburbanization and
car-dependency. This is how you’re
flirting with me? He had some kind of grudge against modernity and told me
how big cities were doomed to collapse. I
may be doomed to collapse during this date! Every time I tried to change
the subject he took me back to the impending Dark Ages. Is there no light at the end of this date? “Call me,” he said as we
parted – but that would be like staying in touch with my kidnappers after they
let me go….
First Date #2 at least waited 5-10 minutes before divulging
his complete medical history and recent bout with Diverticulitis. I got a
detailed report of his surgeries and stay in ICU – complete with a description
of his open surgical site and his current problems with a hernia. Is this guy hoping for sympathy sex? As if that wasn’t enough medical information
he continued to tell me about his multiple sports injuries. This date is more torturous than being
flogged at a BDSM Club – and not nearly as kinky or fun. I needed more than coffee here – I needed
antacids.
Maybe I need to give up the online dating and go back to
traditional dating – you know, picking up guys in bars!
So I really do need a girlfriends’ get together…..with
alcohol. Who’s buying?
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