My Footnote about Football

by Tonia

“Football combines the two worst things about America: violence punctuated by committee meetings.” – George F. Will

 

Ugh. It’s football season - professional football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, prenatal football (OK…..maybe I went too far). There’s Sunday nights, Monday nights, Thursday nights, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and all of January – and, of course, the motherload of football, the Super Bowl. I know that there are women who like football but, frankly, I would prefer the zombie apocalypse.

How is it that a 60 minute game can take over 3 hours??? And, if running and passing are the primary ways to advance the ball, why is it called FOOTball?? And why do tackles look more like collisions? Maybe I’d like football more if the players wore Chippendales outfits as uniforms and danced the ball to the goal line.

I looked up the history of football (can always find humor in history!) and discovered that when the snap was first introduced players were allowed to hold on to the ball indefinitely. In a game between Yale-Princeton each team held the ball for an entire half, resulting in a 0-0 tie. Needless to say, spectators were NOT happy. Reminds me of the kind of action I get on some of my dates.

So here are some things I would rather do than watch football –

-- Rearrange the items in my frig in alphabetical order

-- Pluck the hair from my armpit

-- Clean out the 3 years of clogged hair from the bathtub drain

-- Pick up the mountains of dog poop in the back yard

-- Complete FAFSA forms for all of my granddaughter’s senior class

So if you and your girlfriends are avoiding football, have an anti-football party by cheering for your girlfriends. Decorate with pom-poms. Serve champagne and finger sandwiches. Dedicate songs to each other. Have each guest write her name and a goal on a poster board; then have everyone write on each poster why they think that girlfriend will be successful in accomplishing her goal. And, most of all, hug – don’t tackle.