Take Me Away!

By Rachel

Calgon…take me away. Carpools, classroom parties, toilet training, Kumon, Girl Scouts, karate, soccer, play dates, PTA, volunteering at the school.……when will it ever end? Even when I try to get away for an hour or so I am interrupted by my husband’s call about our 3 year old flushing his underwear down the toilet (at least it wasn’t the dog this time). I threatened him about not interrupting me again - exceptions being the children are unconscious or the house has exploded - or I would book a month at a spa at an undisclosed destination and leave him with the children ALONE. 

Mmmmmm. Spas. I love them. I'm not sure that my husband gets it, though. The last time I got a sea algae body wrap he asked me if I had been to a sushi bar. Yes, sweetie, they wrap us in sea algae, dip us in soy sauce, and then we eat our way out...

The only less-than-relaxing spa experience I ever had was in Thailand* - a "Thai massage." I thought that simply meant a massage in Thailand (a Jessica Simpson moment, I admit). WRONG! The "Twisted Torture Technique" (aka Thai massage) is a body contortion method that pushes arms and legs around your torso like a deformed Gumby doll. It must be some kind of ancient brutality to foreigners. In my pain-shrouded hallucinatory state I couldn't help wondering, "Gosh, is that knee/elbow/hip supposed to bend more than 135 degrees?" I may have blacked out at one point from the pain. (And I paid money for this??) After the ordeal I gave my torturer a big tip - not for the massage - but to help me back to my hotel room where I could drink all the alcohol I could get my hands on.

But, despite that particular trauma, I still love spas and the rejuvenation that they provide. But, if you can’t take your girlfriends to an out-of-town spa, plan a girlfriends’ Spa Party at home!

Rules: no cell phones, no make-up, only ugly/comfortable clothing, and lots of trashy magazines.

Activities: manicures, pedicures, facials, and telling your most embarrassing spa story.

And here is a wonderful recipe for a homemade facial that will leave your skin feeling nourished and moisturized.

Banana Avocado Mask

½ overripe banana, mashed (you can use the rotten bananas you’ve been trying to get your kids to eat)

½ overripe avocado, mashed

2 tbsp plain yogurt (go for the full fat kind)

1 tsp olive oil

Combine ingredients in a medium sized bowl and mix well. Apply the mixture to a clean face and neck. For maximum benefits, leave on for 25 to 30 min. Thoroughly rinse with warm water.

As party favors, you can make a sugar scrub to give to your guests.

Sugar Scrub

1 cup white sugar

1 cup Almond oil or a light olive oil

Oil from 1-2 vitamin E capsules

1 or 2 drops of essential oil, lavender or orange

1 16 oz. glass container with lid

Throw all of the ingredients in a bowl and stir until well blended. Using any utensil you can find that will not make a mess, transfer the mix into the containers and secure the lid. The recipe yields 1 party favor. Multiply times the number of guests.

*I really did love Thailand. It was beautiful and the Thai were some of the friendliest people in the world.

One Step Forward for Womankind

By Tonia

Have you noticed when women get together for more than five minutes they exchange some kind of personal information and start to laugh? That’s because we get it – we understand each other’s experiences. We share and laugh together because we feel validated by each other.

Women have distinctive experiences being female. We have complex body functions, special wardrobe needs, huge family responsibilities, and mind-boggling multi-tasking skills that, while amazing, are also comical. To bring humor and connection to you and your girlfriends, try this game at your next get-together.

Line up four-six participants behind a line at one end of the room or yard. Explain that you will be reading off a number of female experiences and, for each one that they own up to, they can take one step forward. (By the way, ALL of these ideas came from my girlfriends', my daughters’ and my own real experiences. Frightening, I know.)  The woman who has stepped forward the farthest at the end, wins! 

• If you have ever gotten chewing gum stuck in your pubic hair, take one step forward.
• If you have ever sustained an injury while putting on panty hose, take one step forward.
• If you have ever carried hand-cuffs in your purse, take one step forward.
• If you have ever complimented another woman on her shoes from inside a bathroom stall, take one step forward.
• If you have ever farted during sex, take one step forward.
• If you have ever lost a wrap-around skirt in public, take one step forward.
• If you have ever danced on a pole in public, take one step forward.
• If you have ever danced on top of a bar in public, take one step forward.
• If you have ever shot your diaphragm across the bathroom while trying to put it in, take one step forward.
• If you have ever faked multiple orgasms during a single sex act, take one step forward. Aw, heck, take two steps forward.
• If you have ever been skinny dipping with a group, take one step forward.
• If you have ever dated three or more people at the same time, take one step forward. If you have ever dated three or more people in the same night, take two steps forward.
• If you have ever forgotten your child's name, take one step forward.
• If you have ever been arrested for protesting/supporting a feminist cause, take two steps forward.
• If you have ever bought food, put it in your own serving dish and claimed it was homemade, take one step forward.
• If you have ever had sex on an airplane, take one step forward.
• If you have ever flashed a policeman, take one step forward.
• If you have ever really photocopied your butt, take one step forward.
• If you have ever eaten baby food simply because you liked how it tasted, take one step forward.
• If you have ever really told a partner that s/he is lousy in bed (because s/he WAS!), take one step forward.
• If you have ever driven a car, pumped breast milk and talked on the phone at the same time, take two steps back.

Feel free to comment below on how many of these experiences are in your past. I'll confess to nine.....but I'm not telling which ones!

Period Party

By Anna

“The Curse.” “Aunt Flo.” “On the Rag.”

Shedding that eggless uterine lining has no silver lining in it, I can tell ya! I swear my period feels like someone is reaching into my uterus & cutting it out with a dull, rusted steak knife. There just isn’t enough Midol or a big enough heating pad to put this beast to rest. Cramps, diarrhea, moodiness, headaches, backaches, tiredness… I think birds have the right idea - lay that egg and sit your butt on it ‘til it hatches. No uterus needed.

Seriously, there are times when I feel like having a little revenge on my female organs. I know most of my girlfriends feel the same way… and, well, we’ve discovered a way to do just that! Check out this crazy Uteriñata (uterus piñata): click here . Fill it with tampons, pain relievers, hot pads & chocolate. Then get your girlfriends together for a Period Party. Have everyone wear her most outrageous red outfit. Slap on some maxi pad name tags and show that bitch just how you really feel during your period!

Then play:

(1)   Shoot the tampon through the vagina

(2)  Pin the uterine lining back in the uterus

(3)  Don’t spill the Midol (substituting Midol for beans in the game Don’t Spill the Beans)

Serve red wine - or one of my other favs. Funny enough, it's a fancy BLOODY Mary. But today we’re calling it the Raging Hormone.

Raging Hormone
Fill a 16 oz. glass with ice

Pour in

   1 oz. Vodka
   3/4 cup Zing Zang Bloody Mary Mix
   2 Tbls olive juice & throw in a couple
   Dash of dill
   Dash of celery salt
   2 drops Tabasco
   2 drops Worcestershire 
   ½ teaspoon of horseradish
   ½ teaspoon of chopped fresh jalapenos
   Squeeze in ¼ lime
   1Tbls fresh cilantro

Shake & garnish with celery stick, lime slice and olives    
     

Estrofest for Pre-Estrovites

By Rachel

 In one of my manic Martha Stewart supermom attacks recently I decided to throw a “Fashion Party Sleepover” for my daughter’s 8^th birthday. Estrofests for Pre-Estrovites, right? Teach girls to connect and value each other, right? Oooohhhhh……. 

Making decorations before the party, I had so many paper cuts it looked like I had made-out with Edward Scissorhands. Burned off all my fingertips, too, with the friggin’ hot glue gun - permanently changed my fingerprints. Guess the FBI won’t be able to identify me now! What the hell was I thinking? There’s a McDonald’s play area right up the street….

Sent out 19 invitations so no one’s feelings would get hurt – trusting that we would only have a 40% acceptance rate. Lying internet! I had 15 RSVPs. I was prepared for 6-8. Had to call in the National Guard: AKA mom, sister and mother-in-law.

When the first guest arrived - an hour early - I was still wearing clothes I spent the last 2 days in and sporting a “birds nest” hairdo.  Not quite the Hollywood housewife look I was going for. But here are some highlights of the party:

 Ceiling fan fatality – We ruled it death by helium balloon string. Had to bury it in the backyard. My husband was overcome with grief – probably had something to do with the 8 hours it took him to install the new one.

 Guest disappearance – After a game of Post-It Note Hide ‘n Seek (still finding these little suckers), one of the girls decided to spend the rest of the party hidden. That little Houdini could contort her body to fit into all kinds of tiny and bizarre spaces. Finally had to keep all doors and cabinets open so I could keep track of her.

 Bathroom closure – Had to shut it down due to clogged toilet from excessive toilet paper. Freud would have had a hey day with whoever needed to wipe her ass that much! Personally, I’m buying stock in Charmin if this is someone’s regular habit.

 Wall redecoration – After pizza, desserts and lots of hyperactivity, Polly Puker exploded with projectile vomit that changed the color of my walls. Mom slid through the puke on the floor to rush her to the last working toilet in my house. Note to self: eight different desserts is probably too much for one party.

Vomit, toilet, and ceiling fan aside, the girls really did have a good time and my daughter said it was the best party she had ever been to. So here is how I sum it up for me:

Decorations: $225

Refreshments: $275

New ceiling fan: $200

Mom chugging vodka in the closet: Priceless

The biggest dessert hit of the party was the chocolate mousse cups so I want to share this really easy dessert with you for your next girlfriends’ get together.

Directions:

Use pre-made chocolate cups* and fill with chocolate mousse. Top with whipped cream and sprinkles if desired.

*You can make your own chocolate cups with candy molds but, remember, I was handicapped with cut and glued hands.

Snowpocalypse Food Fest

By Tonia

For anyone living in one of those nice weather states like Florida and California, I just want to say, you totally missed it. You missed the adventure of Snowpocalypse. Seriously. We had "thundersnow" – thunder and lightening with snow. And temperatures of 20 degrees below zero - so cold that when I tried to get my Siberian Huskies to go outside they looked at me like I had had a psychotic break. (See picture of idiot dog in the snow.)

Every damn thing in the state closed for days - schools, malls, newspapers, banks, interstates, turnpikes…..nail salons. We even called in the National Guard to rescue our rescue crews. Oklahoma is not too good at this snow stuff.

But, along with the state disaster, I had my own crisis - trapped in my house for days with no way to get out. I surfed the internet until my fingers bled; I tweeted until my Tweeps thought I was stalking them; I facebooked until people started unfriending me in mass.

And, most of all, I binge ate like locusts in my kitchen. Honest to God, I could now make the 'Freshman 15' look like anorexia nervosa. Cookies – gone. Popcorn – gone. Triscuits – gone. Cheese Whiz – gone. Ice cream – gone. Graham crackers – gone. Six year old jam in the back of the ‘frig – gone. I think I even put mayonnaise on my vitamins. I couldn’t get my ass pried off of the couch.....except to go get more food! Even began to wonder how a Huskie might taste....

All of my friends were home baking lovely little treats for their families. I, on the other hand, couldn’t wait for anything to actually bake. I just ate the ingredients right out of the pantry. I was thankful that I no longer have young children at home – or I would have snatched food right out of their little hands.

And then it kept snowing and snowing and snowing. Day after day after day. Trucks couldn’t get through to supply the grocery stores. Thought I had died and gone to When Hell Freezes Over. There were two nights in a row when I slept in the same PJs without ever taking them off during the day. Loved that elastic waistband. If that blizzard had lasted any longer I would have had to twist a sheet around me to go shopping for larger clothes.

So, after all that solitary confinement, I’m ready for a girlfriends’ get together. Maybe it’ll be a I Dug Myself Out of the Driveway Party or a I Survived the 2011 Snowpocalypse Party. Either way, if you’re interested in having one of these celebrations yourself, consider these games:

Snatch that Food Off the Grocery Store Shelves

Put the Children in the Closet

Find the Car Under the Snow Mound

And be sure to serve snow ice cream, a snowball cake, and Oreos® and maraschino cherries dipped in white chocolate to look like snowballs. I’d give you the recipes and directions for these things but I have to go eat now……

What Would Girlfriends Do?

By Tonia

“A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you and say, ‘Damn that was fun!‘”

My best adventures are always with girlfriends. Like the time I went skinny-dipping in the Atlantic  Ocean and my girlfriend almost drowned me trying to get her bathing suit back on. Or the time I went sky-diving and couldn’t peel my fingers off of the plane and my girlfriend waited patiently for me to LET GO. Or the time a girlfriend and I were in a car accident and 30 cucumbers exploded in the trunk (don't ask). Or the time a girlfriend and I slept on the roof and spied on the neighbors. Or the time a couple girlfriends and I went to Mexico and I smuggled Cuban cigars across the border….. oops, maybe I wasn’t supposed to share that one.

I love my girlfriends. They save me tons of money in therapy. I play lots of roles in my life and wear lots of “hats” – but, when I am with girlfriends, I remember who I really am.

In honor of women’s freedom to be authentically themselves with one another, here is a game to play at your next girlfriends’ get-together. We call it, What Would Girlfriends Do? Play it after a couple of drinks, but remember, what’s said at the party, stays at the party!

Directions:

Prior to the party, copy and paste the questions below into a Word document. Fill in the blanks with the names of your guests. Then make enough copies for everyone. (If you would like to make more than one version of this little “quiz,” simply change up the names and make additional copies.)

At the party, distribute to each guest. Ask them to circle the truest response for each item. When everyone is finished, ask the girlfriend whose name is on each item to reveal the correct answer. The girlfriend with the most correct answers wins.

1. What would make ___________ happiest? 

1. A new sex partner
2. A new vibrator
3. The death of an old sex partner
4. Menopause

2. What would make ___________ happiest?

1. Government subsidized tampons
2. Self-cleaning teeth
3. Bra warmers
4. Days alone with Haagen Daz 

3. When ___________ breaks up with a lover, which of the following is she most likely to do?

1. Get a restraining order
2. Get a new dildo
3. Get her naked pictures back
4. Go to therapy

4. What would ___________ say if she ever got arrested?

1. “Damn, that was fun!”
2. “Please call my attorney.”
3. “Wanna’ search me, Officer?”
4. “Will there be room service?”

5. If ___________ were trapped on a desert island alone for a week, what would she want to take with her?

1. Vodka
2. A trashy novel
3. Chocolate
4. A douche

6. What would make ___________ feel most embarrassed?

1. Walking into the men’s restroom
2. Finding out she had lettuce in her teeth when she met with the boss
3. Getting a sex toy stuck
4. Walking out of the restroom with toilet paper stuck to her shoe

7. What would make ___________ feel most embarrassed?

1. Getting the hick-ups while giving a presentation
2. Dropping her purse and having several condoms fall out
3. Getting a leg cramp during sex
4. Getting caught skinny-dipping

8. If ___________ were to write a Dear John/Dear Jane letter to a lover, what might she say?

1. “I no longer feel the need to fake my orgasms.”
2. “I’d rather stick myself in the eye with an ice pick than be with you any longer.”
3. “Having recovered from my psychotic break, I need to leave now.”
4. “Call me if you ever need a ride to the asylum.”

9. If ___________ were a goddess, which goddess would she be?

1. Domestic Goddess
2. Sex Goddess
3. Wine Goddess
4. Strong-willed Goddess

10. If ___________ were to have sex outdoors, where would she do it?

1. On the 18^th green of a golf course
2. Under a bush at a park
3. In a back alley
4. Under a street light in her neighborhood

11. What would be ___________‘s coping skill if she were having a hard time at work?

1. Hiding in the supply closet
2. Calling in sick
3. Going to Happy Hour every night after work
4. Photocopying her butt and anonymously sending it to her boss

12. If___________ were to pull a prank on her gynecologist during a pelvic exam, which would she most likely do?

1. Post a note on her vulva
2. Ask the dr. to keep her eye out for her lost ben-wa balls
3. Talk for her vagina as the dr. is working
4. Tie bows on her pubic hair